Hook, Line and Stinker


High school was already a cheesy sitcom. The fit boys on the football team, the it girls who depended on daddy's plastic, the geeks and the losers and me.
Welcome to St. Claire's, Nottingham, England, one of the most prestigious boarding schools in the world.

As if the school couldn't be as obsolete as it is (being 2 hours away from any signs of civilisation) my parents just had to send me over from California. If this isn't cliche enough it's about to get worse.

I have two problems with the school;
1. It is a boarding school yet it's multi sex.
As if there wasn't enough chance of boy deprived girls getting pregnant left right and centre they had to bring the boys to us. Well done who ever made that choice. You just earned yourself a gold star and a new fleet of school nurses to supply you with the heavily needed pregnancy tests. Why don't we throw in MTV while we're at it? You could then cover to have your own pregnancy ward next to the math department.

2. It is FILLED with heiresses and ladies of honour.
So you think the mean girls at your school are bad? They are at least ten times worse when they have half a million pounds under their beds and enough credit cards to drain the worlds oil supply. What about the lords and sirs and various other titles you ask? Let me tell you this, if they didn't already think they were the most awesome guy on the planet they do now.

Okay, so I have the tendency to over react but I,m being serious when I say this; I have no chance of ever fitting in. Yay me! The American freak has it all! I suppose I should become a comedian with the amount of funny things that happen to me. Even better because a comedian gets to complain about everything. Maybe I should.

I have the oddest parents ever. They're the vegan hippies from the 60's. Like wow! You waited until you were 40 to have a baby? Smart choice! Because they understand NOTHING of the modern world. You want proof? My mom calls the remote a doolberry and when I asked my dad for an Apple Mac he went to McDonald's and bought me an apple bag and a Big Mac.

I was terrified the first time I went to England. Mom came with me on the plane to "ease the tension." What does that even mean? I hated the flight over. Mom and Dad thought that we didn't need to spread loads of pollution round the world by flying to Hawaii or Milan on holiday. We had the money but it went into their "Vegan Carrot Juice" which they practically lived off. When I asked my parents why I had to go to school in another country and spread around more pollution they just blanked me.

I hate the flight over to the UK. I had never used the plane toilets before and I didn't know they used a vacuum instead of flushing. So I was sitting on the toilet just minding my own business when I accidentally leant on the lever. Let me tell you now, being sucked into a toilet is not my idea of fun. I am pretty much scared to even look at those things now.

That's where I am now. Five years later, on the plane to my last year at St. Claire's. I am nervous, tired, and busting for the toilet.