Title: Plaudite, amici, comedia finite est.
Note: Applaud friends, the comedy is finished.
Some days, all I can think of is the ill hand Fate has dealt me. This cruel lady is taking away that which makes me. She is taking away that which I am.
Without sound…I am powerless.
I can hear the notes pounding away inside my head, see them as I write them down…but I cannot hear them. I can only feel them, and touch is a poor substitute for sound.
People mock me simply because they know I cannot possibly hear what it is they say. They jeer and sneer and call me deranged.
My piano has become my closest friend. It loves me still, even though I have cut off its legs. We are, together, mangled beasts in a world that understands not why we do what we do.
My housekeeper thinks I have gone insane, completely. I scream at nothing in general…she doesn't understand that I scream at God, at Fate…at myself.
This which I am becoming is not a man. I am little more than a human being. I refuse to dehumanize myself further when I know, that in all honesty, there is nothing that I can do to stop my regression.
In time, I will be completely deaf. I seek solace in the sounds I cannot hear, banging them away on these worn, ivory keys as I feel the piano's tones bellowing through the floor boards.
My neighbours must hate me. Do I really care? No. These notes are my contribution to the world…without them, I am nothing. I play softer tones, rest my head upon the glossy back of the piano and feel the mangled beast breathe. It makes me tremble to know that I cannot hear those soft wisps.
Sometimes, when I know that I will never again fully hear that which I create, when all the world seems to be wrapped in layers upon layers of cotton, I think terrible things. I think how easy it would be to swallow pills or to step off the wall and into the sea.
My heart still contains melodies, and it is this that keeps my soul firmly rooted in this world.
But sometimes…the silence is so loud and not even the prayers lingering on my lips, the tones trilling and roaring inside my mind can fill it.