Note: Jump start your heart.
She hadn't eaten all day, save the little bit of chocolate when she woke up to stave off the brutal headache already lingering behind her eyes. She ate the chocolate with a coke, gulping the fizzy liquid even though it burned her throat. The chocolate was too sweet but it was good enough. She had woken up and reached for that little bit of technology that connected her to the outside world and tapped into society. Now that little bit of technology was turning against her.
Designs littered her skin, testaments to her battle with boredom. Her stomach had been silent all day, even when hunger gnawed at the walls of the shriveled organ.
Instead, she had run her hands roughly down her ribs, pulling at the meat and skin there as if enraged by its presence.
Her head felt heavy on her neck, as if her entire body was tired and pliable like warm lead. She laid on the cool tile floor in shorts and a tanktop, staring up at the florescent light and thinking. Her eyes were tired, exhausted and strained, needling in the back. The searing light held off the tears.
Her hands slipped down to rest on her stomach, along the taunt skin under her ribs, and she felt her pulse pound there.
Finally, she wound up in her chair in front of her laptop. Her fingers shook and quivered in the air, hovering above the keys. They felt heavy and old. Slowly, she curled them into fists and dug her nails into the palms until the pain pushed away the palsy.
Her throat felt dry even though she was gulping water, had been all day. Vicious techno beats pounded at her from the speakers of her laptop, each German word making her skin flinch. The harsh language soothed her troubled soul and stirred her weary mind. The songs made her heart curl up in her chest and quiver.
She slumped forward, welcoming the unnecessary startlement at each beat of the songs. Her entire body twitched as if every note was a gentle caress of an electrical convulsion.
Feeling entirely too heavy, too listless, she got to her feet and walked to her dresser. She ruffled through all her things until she came up with the bottles of pills. With a heavy sigh, she slumped on her bed and spilled all the contents of the plastic bottles on her covers.
Her shaking fingers prodded at each little bit of happiness as she counted out the dosages. 15 of this one. 6 of that one. 20 of the other. Her brain strained to remember taking all of those pills. Finally, she just shut out the thoughts and decided not to worry about it.
She pushed the pills back into their bottles and set the bottles aside.
If it came down to it, she could always mix and match, cut in half, take them on an empty stomach. Anything to get that buzz, to find that little bit of happiness in the world of dismal grey.
She laid on her bed, stretched out and breathing hard. Her heart was kicking in her chest, fighting against the vicious pound of her pulse that roared through her veins like a sluggish, massive beast. Even though the heat was all the way up, she was cold. Even though she'd slept in excess of 11 hours, she felt exhausted.
She shook her head even as she seemed to grow heavier. She thought briefly about drug-induced comas and mentally calculated the hours until she needed to be active again.
Appropriately, a mournful wail came on next. Heavy metal beats pounded in her ear, stirring her heart into a frenzy. The words quivered in her mind, seeming more and more appropriate as she listened and translated the song in disjointed thoughts.
"Oh ich kann nicht mehr. Ich weiß, ich werde brennen. Dein Urteil hat sich längst, um meinen Hals gelegt. Oh ich kann nicht mehr. Ich weiß, du wirst mich hängen. Und die Schlinge ist so eng, dass ich kaum noch atmen kann."
She pressed her face into the pillow, trying to muffle the words that pounded at her head, making her heart jerk and twitch, her skin flinch. The mournful music called to her, dug itself in deep in her soul, hooking in great claws and jerking and tearing.
"Oh ich kann nicht mehr. Mein Schicksal ist besiegelt. Dein Fluch schwebt genauso, wie der Galgen über mir. Oh ich kann nicht mehr. Der Himmel ist verriegelt. Doch jetzt weiß ich nicht mal mehr, ob die Hölle mich noch will."
The heat hit her suddenly, but she still felt clammy. She knew she had a fever, that the heat in the room was forcing it up even more. She shook her head and stretched out further on the bed clothes, searching for a way to absorb the failing coolness in the cotton. The last words in the song pounded at her skull, even as she tried to keep her exhausted eyes open.
"Spiel mir das Lied vom Tod. Spiel mir das Lied vom Tod. Gib mir ein letztes mal. Spiel mir das Lied vom Tod."
The pills finally swept her under, like a hand forcing her beneath black waves. She didn't even hear the last warbling note...