Thinking About You
He held our group together, our own Oliver Titan brand glue. I knew him the longest, ever since Pre-K. We met the twins, Taylor and Tyler, in Middle School, and CeCe when we were freshman. He was my bestest friend, while the others are just my best friend. I never will tell them that, but I'm pretty sure they could guess that. Me and him just had a bigger, stronger connection than we could ever have with the others.
I never expected it to happen, at least not yet anyway. I thought something like this would happen much, much later. He should still be the same person her was before, not like he is now. You never know what you have until it's gone, and I found that out the hard way.
"What would you do if I died, Hollie?" I remember Oliver asking me that day, when we were hanging out in my room.
"Well, I'm going to die before you, so I would welcome you to Heaven," I told him.
"How would you know that I'm going to die after you?"
"I made a plan, Ollie. I'm going to live to be 100 and you will live to my 100 and then add a day, so I'd never hafta live with out you," My plan was genius, at least I thought so.
"But then, I would have to live with out you for a whole day. I could never do that," He replied a sad tone etched in his voice.
"You could do it, you're much stronger than me, I could never do it,"
"You're stronger than you think, you could make it," he started, "Well I gotta go, mom wanted me to run errands for her. Later Holl," he told me as he gathered he started to leave. I had said my goodbye, and like that he was gone.
I find it weird that that happened to be our last conversation. It was as if he had planned, but I knew he would never do something like that. Oliver was hit by a car right after he left my house. The car had swerved trying to miss hitting a car going extra slow, and it ended up swerving into Oliver. He died on impact. Mrs. Titan told me I was the first she had called after she found out, even before her own husband, and her child's father who was at work.
I had rushed over to his house, tears streaming down my face. By the time I got there I was a shivering, snotty mess. I didn't care though, I only cared about Oliver, and he was gone. Taylor, Tyler, and CeCe came after I called and told each of them. That night was just a night of tears and trying to comfort each other. Mr. and Mrs. Titan had to go and do a corpse check at the morgue, just to be one-hundred percent sure that it was Oliver. It was. His viewing and funeral happened in a blur. I spoke this at his funeral.
"I remember the day me and Ollie met. It was the first day of Pre-K, and I wasn't having a great day. I was a shy child so I couldn't walk up to a random kid and start playing with them, like most children can. I found it hard to make friends. I was playing by myself in the corner of the classroom, watching all the other kids play with each other. He had walked up to me and asked if I wanted to play with him. I answered with a quiet, but enthusiastic yes.
"Ever since then, we had been the best of friends. We could tell each other everything. We were clung to each other during school, when they said we could work in partners. We would go to camp, vacation, and everything that could force us to spend days away from each other, just because we knew we couldn't handle spending that long with out each other," Tears that had been in my eyes all day started spilling out, "I don't know how I'm going to spend the rest of my life without him!" And that's when I completely broke down, like sobs so hard that I couldn't even stand up anymore. I had put my face on my knees letting the tears come out, knowing it was easier to that then to try and stop and CeCe had brought me back to my seat in between them, letting me cry on their shoulder, and the funeral continued. They had put him in the ground when my tears had finally subsided.
It's been a month since he passed. I've gone trough life in an Oliver haze. No emotion has been showed from me since his funeral. No tears, but also no smiles or laughs. Just blank faces, no pain, no joy, just nothing. As I had said I was a shy child, but Ollie had broken me out of my shell. Well, since he's gone, I guess I had a relapse and had glued my shell back together. I never was comfortable showing my emotions to anyone except mom and Dad when I was little, because they were the two closest people to me. Oliver had taken their place though, so he was the only one I felt comfortable showing my true feelings to, and he was else knew this was my way of coping with the whole situation, so no one bugged me to open up to them. they knew that would cause me to close up even more.
I'm going to his grave tonight around sunset, the first time I've been there since the funeral. I haven't gone because I don't want to visit him, it's because I've never had the heart to, but it's been a month since it's happened, and it just feels right to go. Surprisingly, I'm the only one going tonight. I thought at least his parents would come too, but everyone is to busy to visit their dead friend/family member. It's just going to be me and him, like the old days. The last time it was only me and him was our conversation before it happened.
"Hey Ollie. I, um, brought your favorite flower with me, Love in a Mist," that is his favorite flower because he loves the name, it's kinda corny, but a sweet name. Whenever there was fog we would joke about the love mist coming. I place the flowers down, and sit next to his grave. "Long time, no see, huh? I miss you so much, I haven't had a day where I haven't though of you, and I don't think I ever will. Oh, and if you want an explanation for me not coming, it's because I wouldn't have been able to handle seeing you like this. I'm not even sure I can handle it now." I state as my vision is blurry and I can't even see his name on the grave stone anymore.
"I can't believe it's been a month. It feels like yesterday is when it happen. I feel like our last conversation jinxed us. I was so positive that I was going to die before you, but I guessed that made you die first," The built up tears are streaming down my face as that thought passes through my mind. I had killed him. I had said something stupid and that made the universe want to prove me wrong and it killed him in the process. "You are probably say that you were right, that I could last more than a day without you. I don't feel good though, and that proves me right. I'm physically surviving without you, not mentally, and I think that matters a lot. I'm probably about a week away from having a breakdown and being sent to an insane asylum, so if I don't come back for years, you know why," I tried to laugh at that, but it came out like a mix of a sob and a squeak.
I spent the next few hours just talking and crying. It felt good, as if he was still here and the conversation wasn't one-sided. I felt like all was good, like it was complete. I told him everything that has happened in the past month. Which of our favorite bands' albums came out, who wore what to homecoming, everything. My mom had texted me around 11:00 to tell me I should start heading home. " I hafta go Ollie, and I promise to come visit more, because this felt right, the best night I've had in a month. But when I'm not here, just remember, I'll be thinking about you all the time. There hasn't been a minute where you haven't been on my mind. No matter what happens, I will be thinking about you," I get up and start to walk away. I turn back and look just one more time, realizing that he may not be physically there, but being there mentally was all I needed.