I feel I always need to be strong,
No matter what.
I feel like I would be found as weak,
Or looked down upon if I showed any emotion other than
happiness, sarcasm, irritation, and anger.
I cannot show my fear, my depression,
Because others rely on me to be
The happy, smart girl they have all come to love.
The one person they seem to rely on,
to fall back on,
in their time of need.
But I am more than that,
I feel more than happiness.
I am not oblivious to the world passing by too quickly around me,
I am well aware of it.
I have lived through tough times
Yes that has made me stronger,
But why can't I seem to shed a single tear anymore?
I feel emotionless, I feel like I should have broken down already
Yet, I haven't, I haven't been able to.
It worries me, makes me want to cry more so than I already do.
Where have my tears gone?
I know that is just what I need to feel better,
A good cry. Yet there have been no tears.
Even though my friends know about my issues
I am still their shoulder to cry on.
While I don't mind that, sometimes
when they just keep at me with their problems and they can't
just take what I have given them
Its overwhelming, its tiring.
It makes me want to break down more,
Yet, I can't.
Every corner I turn down,
I have found bad news.
My health is slowly leaving me
I am a lab rat, a question to be probed at.
My mental health isn't any better.
I am depressed, I use to be on the verge of suicide.
Yet, here I am talking other people out of it.
Telling people how much they mean to everybody,
All the while burying my emotions so deep
I can no longer express them in a way that makes me
Feel any better. I am lost and yet I still am able to put up
This "strong" front for everyone around me.
They all judge me, think I am happy,
Think nothing is wrong with me,
But they don't know the half of it.
They don't know what I have been through,
They cannot tell if I am sad.
They see a happy teenage girl, wise beyond her years
With nothing to worry about except grades.
They all think I have it easy,
When in truth, my life, is anything but.
It's a total war between grandmother and mother,
Mother and boyfriend
Mother and daughter.
Daughter(s) and mothers boyfriend
Daughter against daughter
A never-ending cycle.
Even adults rely on me to vanquish their issues.
I usually do, but why can't anyone see that I also need
Someone to vanquish my evils, vanquish the demons that haunt me
Trying to prove my father wrong, and show him I am better than him.
Show him his lashings, his abuse did not kill me,
So, I put up this strong front,
Maybe so I am not such an easy person to hurt,
Maybe, to show everyone that there is hope,
Or maybe it's just to help me keep my sanity.
Either way, I know it's for a good reason, even if I don't know what
Exactly the reason may be, I know one day though, my strength will conquer something.