Out my window I watched the snow as it fell to the ground. The flakes getting fatter and fatter as the time passed and they drifted through the cold December air. I was thinking about the times when Matt was alive and everything was so ... different from how it is now. Matt had a certain way about him that when he walked into a room he could make every one tune in to what he had to say, You could say he was popular at school and in town. He had a buzz cut and bright green eyes. Matt stood at 5'11, perfect height for a young man. He had always been into military objects and stories, at least for as long as i can remember. He found it fascinating and endearing. You could say he idolized soldiers. When Matt turned 18 he decided he wanted to be in the military. My mothers heart was broken, but at the same time you could tell she was proud of what her son had come to be.
I will never forget the look on her face when he made the final decision to leave. He heart was broken and she was crushed. But something in he eyes sparkled, as i sat on the arm of the hard couch watching the moment unfold before my eyes, My mom stood a little bit taller and walked a little bit prouder. She had a spring in her step, But this was overridden with a sadness in her chest that she couldn't take on the day she found out he died by a bombing attack. I remember at nights, sometimes, she would turn on the shower full blast, The intense heat fogging up the mirrors. She would cry and cry and cry until she ran out of tears. Sometimes hours on end. I don't think she knows i know about that. She probably thought that i couldn't hear her over the beating of the water. When she was done and had exhausted herself she would stalk out of the bathroom, Red, puffy under eyes and a swollen nose. She always tried to be strong for me and put on whatever face she knew would make me happy. But i could see right through her masks and it made me sad knowing that she thought she had to be "superwoman" for me.
She never knew, i knew she sobbed uncontrollably on her worst nights. On the nights when she would of gladly traded me in order to get him back in her arms and to know he was safe. Knowing that she would trade me hurt but also made me happy thinking about myself replacing Matt in combat and dieing in his place. Knowing that this would make mom happy made me want to be able to do it even more. But i couldn't, it wasn't possible. But what i wouldn't trade to have Matt back in mothers arms, and me long gone, resting on an eternal cloud of fluff in heaven.
I snapped myself out from my thoughts. If i think about Matt for too long i get really depressed and i start to compare how my life is now to how it used to be, and i hate doing that ... It makes me think of not being in a never ending hell hole.
I look around my room and blink a few times, my eyes burning from keeping my eyes open too long, and from thinking about the past.
I hear a knock on the door, and i half think it's Matt. I guess i'm still not fully out of daydream mode.
"Come in" i say my voice sounding more scratchy than i want.
The door slowly glides open, and mom peeks her head in. An unmoving expression of sadness plastered on her face. Only this time it wasn't a mask.