A/N: I thought I should upload a special story because will be my seventh one on FictionPress (hooray!). 7 is my all-time favorite number. It's the perfect number.
With that out of the way, this is a pretty personal story (the end, anyway), so I hope you enjoy it. This is all of my thoughts bundled up into a short story. There's a glimmer of hope somewhere, but I didn't add it. For now, please read it and then review it!
Have you ever felt completely and utterly alone? I have. I still do. I can never shake off that feeling of isolation because there's one aspect of me that no one understands. It's just me; me and my weird feelings.
Love. I hate it. No, I don't. But I'm scared of it.
Truthfully, I'm terribly scared of falling in love. I don't want to fall, to break, to shatter. I want to live life to the fullest, yes, but I cannot when I have been hurt so badly as to never love life itself. I don't know what love is, but I'd like to learn. Still, I'm scared to do even that. Perhaps I'm weak, and maybe you're right. I don't have the capacity to love. There's a possibility that I never will.
I locked my heart away to stay safe, but recently I tried so very hard to open it up again. I took a liking to someone, and then they told me they loved my best friend. My heart became numb. I always have a positive outlook so I can cover up the pain I feel. So I can pretend like all is right in the world even when everything is wrong. Maybe one day it will come true.
I came to realize that every time I try to open my heart, I ended up getting hurt. I'm scared and broken, and I just want it to be over. I want to understand love, and most of all I want to feel it, but I don't think it will ever happen. I'm nothing but invisible.
I've imagined love many different ways, and I've yet to decide which is real. Could it be when you get the feeling of floating on air whenever you see them? Never being able to sleep anymore because you're worried this is all a dream and when you wake up they'll be gone? Is love, instead of bringing pain and suffering, the one remedy to fix it? But for me, all I really need is someone who will let me talk and ramble, listen to me complain and look like an idiot, and tell me they love me, no questions asked and truly meaning it. Only then could I really say I fell in love.
The problem in society is that people were created to love, and things were created to be used. The reason our lives are so chaotic is because things are being loved and people are being used. That's why so far, I'm too scared to try and fall in love. As much as I want to, I don't think I can.
Sometimes I'm worried people are lying to me. But I have this silly quality of always seeing the best in people. Maybe I'm too lenient and weak, but you know what? That's okay because maybe one day you'll all realize that I was here looking out for you when you were down. I gave you a shoulder to cry on and was always ready to bury the loser that hurt you. Can't you do the same for me? Just once, that's all I ask.
If all I'm going to do is get hurt every time I fall in love, then I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone. Even if I'm lying to myself, I don't care. If the truth is hitting me in the face, I would ignore it because it isn't the truths that keep me warm at night; it's the lies. I feel so abandoned. So when that day comes when someone falls in love with me and I reciprocate the feelings, you'll leave. I just know it, and I guess that's what hurts most. It hurts because I am, and always will be, alone.
A/N: I really hate when I read/write things and realize just how true they are. I relate to many things, perhaps too many. I can sympathize and empathize spectacularly, and recently I've gotten into psychology. It's really interesting, especially all the theories on what makes people fall in love. There's one thing that everyone wants to feel. To be loved without begging to be, right?
The way people classify love really bothers me sometimes, though. If you think about it, all the people you meet you either want to be around or you don't. Of the people that you want to be around, you have close friends. That category can be further broken down into people you tell your life story to and those you don't. but the people you trust wholeheartedly, can't you say you love them? All love really is, is feeling an intense affection. That being the noun form, of course. Most people tend to think of the verb, which is the romantic way. I guess it's just how one thinks of it.
By the way...please review it for me!
"We're just like dominoes- I fall for you, you fall for another."