Chapter 5, my personal favorite chapter -
IT had been Six months since I came to this new world. It was completely different then what I expected and to be honest I had been so busy that I didn't have a chance to even think about anything. The first thing that happened when I got here was Aunt Mary threw away all of my stuff, to say I was shocked would be an understatement. She said that my clothes were 'not fit for someone in high society.' also that she would not be associated with a ' under privileged, unfashionable, hoodlum.
She bought me all new clothes and taught me proper edict so that I would never embarrass her if I was ever in the same room as her. Her rules were strict and it took me forever to be comfortable with it. I was always with people, there were a lot of servants and at points in time it could become suffocating. Sometimes all I wanted was to be alone. Though I say I hated it I really didn't, it stopped me from crying all day. It was okay because it stopped me from doing something that couldn't be undone
It was hard but it was worth it if I didn't have to be alone.
The house was huge, it took a lot to get use to the shear amount of room there was. I'm sure I would never have made it out of the house if there weren't so many servants. I'm sure I amused them a lot with my ability to get lost. I heard them chuckling at me when I wasn't looking. I wasn't sure if it was hurtful laughter or just good humor. I would guess a little of both. I felt like I was choking on the newness of everything.
It was hard but worth it if I didn't have to stay at that other house.
The second thing that she did was to in rule me in pear blossom private school for the rich and famous. That was an even bigger change than anything else. It was like taking my old school and turning everyone into snobby, bratty bullies that had a lot of money that they could do whatever with. They were also a lot meaner, if that was possible.
I learned real quickly the first week that it's better to keep your head down and mouth shut. If you didn't it was like tying your own noose or putting a big red target on your back.
It was hard but it was better than being at my old school.
There were a couple of nice people that didn't have really bad entitlement complexes. They talked to me and helped me up after I had been through another round with the bratty rich kids. They were mostly cowards; they always ran away right after because they didn't want targets on their backs also. I didn't mind, I was just happy that they helped me out for those moments. I was fine with it, I didn't need friends
It was hard but it was much better than being with my old friends.
They had a football team too. They were really good, they had almost won the champions last year but were beat out by another school in the end. It was still impressive. There was a lot of really, really good players. I loved watching them play, it was nothing like I could ever imagine. They were all built like trees with strong, board shoulders and personalities that could turn milk sour.
When I asked if I could join I was laughed at and mocked for weeks, even now they still joke about it. I was caught watching them play and labeled a fag which caused me to be avoided and targeted even more then I was before. I lost any sort of friends I could have been making. I was okay with it because what real talent did I have to start with.
It was hard but it was better than being on my old football team.
Being labeled a fag, believe it or not, was not the worst thing. Sure there was a lot of name calling and people throwing things at me. I was cornered more than once and beaten into the ground by so called homophobes and righteous christens that would scream out how unholy and damned I was. It wasn't all too bad, I would say that the worst was when I would walk past a group of girls/boys, it didn't really matter, and I would hear them snickering. I could almost feel as their fingers would point and their mouths form the words 'yea, that's him. Isn't he disgusting,' but really it didn't matter because they weren't saying anything I hadn't already told myself.
There were some ups to. I got a lot of boys that came up and asked me for a round or if I wanted to date them. Some pretty and some not so pretty, but I didn't really matter much to me. I always said no, some of the boys would get angry and come after me. Screaming how happy I should be that an ugly duckling like me could get someone like them.
It was hard but it was a lot better than being in the closet and always being afraid someone would find out
There were a lot of beautiful people here. Every type of beauty could be found, every type of personality could be found. Money, power, and a hierarchy of the students made for an interesting group. There were so many people that one could easily get swept up in the love that supposable felt like walking on cloud. If you were high enough in the food chain you could almost have your pick of whoever you wanted.
There were a lot of blondes
About 1/3 of the beautiful boys where blonde and about 1/4 of those blondes had green eyes. Out of the blondes with green eyes about half of them were evil and had personalities that could make the devil cry. I could easily forget everything else and devote all I had to one of these boys. I probably wouldn't be able to get any of them to fall for me but I had better chances here then at my old school.
It was hard but it was better than being with Hiruma.
All in all, this place was the best. I couldn't even begin to want to go back to everything. I was happy. I was so happy, I was dancing on rainbows. I couldn't lie, I still had nightmares every night and everything I ate, if I could eat, tasted like cardboard. Whenever I was alone my eyes would fill with tears faster than you could snap your fingers. I wouldn't lie, for every second of every minute of every day I thought about Hiruma. I thought about if I would ever see him again, I thought about if he ever thought of me, I thought about if he even noticed I was gone.
No, he probably didn't but that didn't make it hurt less to know the answer. It hurt like a hundred thousand knifes to the heart, it hurt like there was a burning sun scorching me from the inside out. I hadn't forgotten and the pain had only gotten worse. I only wanted one thing; why god did you make it something so unreachable.
My rainbow never stopped, because there was no pot of gold at the end. The leprechaun had already taken it leaving only the booming sound of his sinister laughter as proof that he had been there. He had the right to laugh; he had the right to laugh at the poor, pathetic excuse of a human dancing for gold that was already gone.
It didn't matter though, because I was happy
Getting up in the morning was the hardest for me. I had to get up at 5:30 so I could take a shower and then get to school on time. Despite everything that made this school sound like so much 'fun', I really liked this school. The work was harder but I kind of liked studying. The teachers were really cool and they seemed to like me. At least I hoped they did because I liked them.
Once I was ready for school I began the walk. I wasn't too far but I gave me enough time to mentally and physically prepare myself for the beating that I was sure to get. I didn't mind thought; at least they were giving me attention instead of just ignoring me or making me a gopher. I really hated doing that at my old school. Funny, I say that but if they asked me to I would be on it faster than you could blink.
I really was pathetic. I looked up quickly and then back down at what I saw. They were waiting for me. There were 4 boys standing next to the entering gates waiting for me, when they had a bad day they would come for me so that they could feel better about themselves. I understood. I kept my eyes down; four sets of feet came into my eye sight making me stop. I slowly looked up into their evil smirking faces and gleaming eyes. Something flashed on the head guy face and I wonder if it was because of something he saw on mine. These wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for him. Not because of something he did in specific but because of his looks.
Blonde hair, green eyes, and a personality that would make Hitler turn in fear.
I wonder what I looked like, I hadn't looked in the mirror sense I left. Whatever it was he got over it because his face was back in that horrible scowl that I knew so well. The first hit didn't come as much of a surprise nor did the name calling. To be honest I was way past being able to feel anything physically or mentally. My body was already damaged to an unrecognizable amount that any more wouldn't change anything or make it hurt more. Mentally... I had already become numb.
I had already lost everything.
I couldn't tell you how long it was or how many hits it was before the final guy spat on me, said a few choice names and walked away. I had been in and out of conciseness the whole time. I watched their backs as they walked away. I couldn't breathe and wondered if maybe my ribs were broken. I wondered if I lay there long enough would I die from suffocation.
Would I want to?
Yes, yes I would. It was simple answer but it surprised me by how truthful it was, by how much I wanted it. Maybe it was because I was a teenager and everything but I really felt like I couldn't live any more. What was there to live for? I was just being a burden, a pathetic excuse of a human being that was because everyone trouble by breathing the same air as them.
I pulled myself up from the ground and walked into the hell I call school. I didn't even bother with the nurse, I knew from experience that if anyone found out that the beating that came after was 10 times worse than all the beatings put together. I headed for the bathrooms not caring that I would be late for homeroom. The teacher for that class was probably use to me not being there. I wonder if he ever suspected something was up or if he thought I was a rebel. I didn't care.
Once in the bathroom I began to wash the blood off my arms from where the bullies' shoes ripped open the skin. After that I pulled out the bandages that I had become accustom to caring with me everywhere. Pulling up my shirt, I wasn't surprised by the sight that greeted me. My stomach, chest and all the way past where my pants came to was completely black. I wasn't horrified; I was far past that at this point and way to use to it. My eyes slowly traveled up to my face.
That was the first thing that I saw. Terrifying, lifeless, uncaring, dead eyes stared back at me. Ghostly pale skin stretched over bone, marred with blacks, purples, and yellows. Flat, dull, messy hair that really needed a cut, covered part of my face. Stick figure arms held up my shirt that looked too heavy for them to hold and my chest looked caved in. I felt something wet on my face and my eyes shot up to look.
I was crying
I couldn't make it stop. Sounds started to come from my mouth as if I was someone else. Every emotion that I had been fighting came back full force. I wanted Hiruma, I hadn't forgotten in the slightest and all I wanted was him.
I couldn't do it anymore. My hands dropped my shirt to come to my face and cover it. My sobs got lauder and lauder but I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't do it anymore. No matter what I tried to do or tried to think there was no life without Hiruma. I couldn't, no I didn't want to live without Hiruma. I hated this place; I wanted to go back to him. I wanted to go back to the way it was before.
I wanted to be in that club house just sitting with him, listening to him clicking on his computer
I wanted him to call me chibi or Eyeshield or brat or anything again
I wanted to be on the team and see the pride in his eyes when I break my own record or when we win a competition
I wanted him to smile that beautiful smirk and tell me with that confidence 'see, my plans always work out'
I wanted Hiruma.
I cried and I cried not caring about anything or anybody. They could do anything to me because nothing would ever hurt more than this does. Why couldn't those bullies just get it over with and kill me. I know they want to, why won't they. Why is everything that I want get taken away. Why is it always so close but yet so far?
A pair of arms wrapped around me but I didn't care. Maybe they would give me what I wanted, would they take pity on me. I turned to whoever it was, I couldn't see. The tears in my eyes made everything look blurry. I grabbed onto him like a life line, please god grant my wish just this once. The edges of my vision were beginning to black out and I could see spots
"Please" I begged the stranger "Kill me"