Why am I writing this right now? It took me a long time to come to time come to this decision and no matter what anyone says it was because of one thing - forbidden love.
It seems so silly when you put it that way but it's the truth.
Definition: loving someone you're not suppose to, someone that you can't have.
Being in love like that is like...
It's a hard thing to explain to someone that's never felt it but after sitting here for so long I think I've come up with a good reference that everyone should understand.
It's like that big fat girl in the corner that is just dyeing for another slice of double chocolate chip cake. She knows she shouldn't have that extra slice, she knows she's out of calories for the day, she knows all this and yet she still wants another piece.
Because in that moment she isn't thinking about when she goes to school and all the other kids laugh at her. She's not thinking about how every time in the mirror she looks away disgusted at herself, how she can't even stand to see herself naked.
What she is thinking about is how good the first one was and how much better the second one will be. How good it will be in that moment.
That's how it is.
You desperately tell yourself that it's not worth it, how you would ruin everything by moving forward. You constantly remind yourself that not only will it never happen but it can't happen.
But in that one moment.
The moment you see them, the moment they do something so breathtaking, the moment your heart aches you can't help thinking 'I don't care about the consciences.'
It can happen to anyone, anywhere, at anytime. All it has to be is between two people that should never be together.
Like student loving a teacher, a teacher loving a student, loving your best friends girlfriend, love between family members and last but never least loving someone of the same sex.
It's someone you know deep down into the farthest reaches of your heart that you love them, it doesn't matter who they are or what they do, you just love them.
That's what it is in my case.
I'm in love with my sister's husband
I know what you're thinking - that's just asking for trouble and you would be right. You will never know how many times I tried to stop it. How many nights I stayed awake beating myself up in side over how stupid I was, about how ridicules my feelings were.
I was in love with him and he was so far out of my reach it wasn't even funny.
To make everything worse, including my guilt, he and my sister had two children.
I never had any hope of ever being with him even without the girls but when they came along it was like rubbing salt in the wound and that it was officially over.
I knew it was wrong but I couldn't come to love those girls like I should have. I pretended they were my favorite in the world but how could you love someone who made you lose hope in everything.
I tried to get over it. I tried everything, going out with other people, forcing myself to be happy, telling myself that this was what needed to happen. But it didn't work. My heart was set on him and it could only ever be him for the rest of my life.
I learned to accept it.
But it was okay, I was okay because it wasn't like I had to see him every day.
They lived in California and we lived in Colorado, a 20 hour drive away. There was flying but father was too cheap to shell out the money for that.
So it was okay.
Until father suddenly decided that family was very important and moved us to closer to them. That 20 hour drive turned in to a 20 minute drive and I became the girls permit babysitter.
It hurt more then I would ever say.
Even though Amy and Gram, my sister and her husband, had been married for 3 years they acted like newlyweds. A kiss in morning before they left for work, a hug to the girls and another kiss for Amy when they got home, playing and saying mine over and over.
It made me sick, not at them but at myself for how much it hurt.
Amy was so pretty and I couldn't help but be jealous of her. Envy turned into jealousy and that turned into resentment. It wasn't fair to her, it wasn't her fault that I was feeling what I was feeling but it was there. It was there in the back of my mind, nagging me, reminding me every time I saw them.
I told myself that I had to be strong, that I could deal with it. I told myself that over and over but it didn't seem to help.
When I went home it wasn't much better.
Father didn't like me very much because he thinks I killed my mom.
I think so too.
It was a car accident; the 10 year anniversary was coming up in two days. I was being my bratty self, as any six year old would be, mom was distracted for just a moment but it was enough. Another car ran the red light in the turn lane and was coming right for me.
It should have been me, it would have been me but at the last moment she turned our car and the other car hit her side.
I left the car with only a few scratches from the glass but I still remember...
I remember the horribly sounds of metal meeting metal, I remember the horrified screams of the people outside the car and inside the car, I remember looking over to ask momma why they were screaming to only see red.
It was something that still gave me nightmares at night.
Something I constantly blamed myself for.
I should be died and she should be alive.
So it's understandable that father would hate me, I ruined his life so everything he gave me I deserved.
Father had an anger problem, it was even worse when he was drunk. When he's sober it's only words, evil words. Words that destroy me and tear me down to the lowest of low. When he's drunk it's much worse.
He never leaves noticeable marks and he normally never touches my face or arms, unless he's really out of it. There just bruises and sometimes small cuts from glass that was thrown at me, they heal quickly. I don't tell anyone.
They always say you should tell anyone but who would I tell? A teacher, an 'adult', someone in authority? It would only make things worse, besides who would believe me?
Not over my father
But like I said before it was okay because it wasn't something that I didn't deserve or hadn't told myself already. I killed my mother and then had the nerve to fall in love with my sister's husband. Anyone that sick should, well not be alive.
That's where I was at this point.
I cry and cry, my silent pleas for help go unheard. My forced smile and laughter go unseen. My love goes unwanted and everyone else love has already moved on from me.
There was nothing left for me.
It funny, I thought when this happen what I would regret the most would be that my mother's sacrifice would be for nothing but it wasn't that. It wasn't even the fact that by doing this I would be making a lot of people sad. No, it wasn't either of those.
Right now what I regret the most is that Gram will never know how much I loved him.
But now I guess, if you are reading, you know.
Lastly, I want to apologize to everyone.
I'm sorry to my mother that everything you did for me turned out to be worthless and pointless. You should be alive right now, not me. There will never be enough words but maybe if I can get to you are at I can make it up to you.
I'm sorry to Amy, that I did this to you. I fell in love and I couldn't help it. I know your crying right now but know it's not your fault, it's mine.
I'm sorry to the people that are going to find my body floating to the surface of this lake, all bloated and nasty
Lastly Gram, I probably owe you the biggest apology of all.
None of this is anyone's faults but mine. I wasn't strong enough to deal with the pain, to just be happy watching you and being be your side as a brother-in-law. I choose to do this.
I'm sorry I fell in love
I'm sorry I could bare the pain.
After, if, you read this I hope you forgive me. It must be awkward for everyone so if it would make everything better please forget me. Go back to your normal lives, as if nothing ever happened.
That's what would make me happy.
I love you all
So to whoever was unfortunate enough to pick up and read my letter, thank you.
Even though I told myself over and over that there had to be a better solution, there had to be something better, something different but there wasn't.
So thank you for reading, I'm finally free.
With all my heart,