The only thing I could think of doing this morning was popping in George Strait's It Just Comes Natural album in the CD player of my car to ease myself as I drove to the airport to catch a shuttle to school. I know every single song on the album by heart. In my mind, this album should have won a Grammy, but he got his Grammy with Twang so I guess I shouldn't complain. After all, it is only my opinion.
Today was (and still is I suppose but some of you reading this will be reading it past the date it was written) February 13, 2013, the day before Valentine's Day. And just yesterday, February 12, 2013, my girlfriend of fourteen months—nearly fifteen months—and I broke up. It's necessary to mention that this wasn't one of those break ups that is the result of one end doing something stupid, or arguments, or anything like that. This break up happened because the distance between the two of us at school was too much for her to bear. That is not something to be upset at her about. In fact, I'm not upset at her about it. I am just upset.
I knew during the phone call we had yesterday it would have to happen. We were both in tears, crying hysterically, her more so than me. I had to be a little bit stronger, ask questions, and figure out exactly what needed to happen. She didn't want to lose me and although it wasn't the same I promised her she wouldn't lose my friendship. I didn't know how to make this any easier for myself or her even. She was so sorry and why should she be? It is not her fault. It is not anybody's fault. It is just life.
But here I am now or was earlier today the day before Valentine's Day keeping myself from bawling my eyes out by singing memorized lyrics. After all, I had to drive safely right? With the blizzard Friday through Saturday (February 8 through February 9 2013) a lot of lanes are closed and the traffic is backed up everywhere. At least they finally put some damn ice melt on Airport Drive. About freaking time. I don't need physical injuries over my mental and emotional ones.
To top off yesterday (the twelfth) I received the special "nerdy" Valentine's I had ordered from (DFTBA stands for Don't Forget To Be Awesome) in the mail. Yeah. Fucking irony! Still being friends though I wrote in her card this morning before I went to the computer lab two and a half hours early to get my Microcomputer Applications work done before it is even assigned like I always do. It was the hardest Valentine I ever wrote in my life. I did it though, crying the whole way through. Not a single person in the TV Lounge decided to see if I was okay, which was good because this was a personal moment.
I have Valentines for other people too. One of them I wrote last night to send in the mail this morning. This one was going out to a friend of mine in California. A Dr. Who fan. The obvious card choice for her was the Dalek with a heart shaped speech bubble coming out that said "Infatuate." Although, any of these Valentines would have worked for her since she is a nerdfighter like me. If none of this makes sense I'd recommend looking up How To Be A Nerdfighter on YouTube. That will explain the basics.
Those are the only two Valentines I've written so far. I'm trying to match which Valentine's go to who. My ex-girlfriend received one with the face of Hank Green on the front which said, "My Love For You Has No Edge." As awkward as that seems, I strive for the truth and that is the truth. Be it platonic or romantic, I still love her. Like all my close friends my love has no edge. But it particularly applies to her. The rest of the note is too personal to mention.
I ordered two five packs of the Valentines. So I have two of each type. Besides the aforementioned ones, I also have one with a picture of two giraffes making a heart with their necks, about to kiss. There's another with John Green's face that says, "I Like You Almost As Much As I Like Pizza." And the last pair has the nerdfighter "gang" sign (two hands doing Spock's "live long and prosper" sign crossed over each other) and says "I think you're awwwwwwesome…" on the front. The other Dalek one will go to my best friend. I still have one more definite Valentine to make. I just don't know which of the other four to use for the Valentine.
Come to think of it, to make things more ironic, since I had extra Valentines, I was planning to send anonymous Valentines to people who might have needed some cheering up. The way I was planning to do this was to get names and addresses from my friends in different parts of the country and send out these Valentines signed under my penname, Tathwem Essenuejal. And right before Valentine's Day I end up single. On top of that, I have received no names of people to send anonymous Valentine's to. Oh well I guess.
I suppose this essay sounds depressing. I can tell you it is better than depressing; it is sad. That may sound strange to some people but let me tell you that it is a blessing to feel anything at all than it is to feel nothing. And even if it may be painful, there are no regrets to the love I had to give up. She will be forever in my heart, and I can only hope that she will never regret or forget me. Moreover, I hope that she can always in one way or another, cherish the love we had. That will make Valentine's Day bearable.