I walk. I walk as far as we did that first night together. Only you were next to me, pulling me closer to you so the wind wouldn't make me as cold. Pulling me closer to make me feel safer. Pulling me closer so I wouldn't be as scared.
Now I'm alone. I have on my black hoodie, with an obnoxiously turquoise blue scarf puffing up out of it to keep my neck warm. I bury as much of my face into it as I can, breathing my warm breath into it, which warms my lips. The rest of my face is exposed. The wind burns my cheeks and blows snow into my eyes, making them burn too.
My hood is down. I know that if I pull it up it will protect my face and ears from the burning wind. But I leave it down. I don't want to warm, I want to be numb.
I've walked for what seems about 10 minutes, I think to myself that I should be there by now. I have no idea how far it is, I've only been there once. That one night I was with you.
It's snowing harder, and a layer of snow clings to my sweatshirt as I walk. My legs burn from the wind ripping through my thin jeans.
I look up from the ground to see if I'm close. It seems I've barely walked half way. I think of last night with you. How badly I messed things up.
I didn't think it'd matter...
You didn't seem to care anymore...
I think I might be crying. I wipe my face to see if there are tears. I realize its simply the cold and I keep walking. I look around hoping no one is watching.
There's no one.
I decide to stop thinking about us, those nights, everything. I focus on walking. The snow squeaks under my shoes, as the layer of ice crunches under that.
Hours of nothingness seem to pass as I walk, trying not to think. I'm no longer cold. I just don't feel anything. I see it not far ahead and pick up my pace. I finally reach it and stand there. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel silly for having come here. I don't know why I came, I just felt like I had to.
I feel my body grow weaker, every cell screaming for reprieve. I feel my body collapse. I don't think about it happening. I stare into the gray blue sky. I feel burning on my legs and hands and cheek as snow melts again them.
I close my eyes, tired of staring at the white specks that appear from the dull gray abyss.
I hear the grass crunch next to me and am suddenly intoxicated by your scent. I feel your warmth as you move closer to me. I open my eyes and see you sitting next to me in the cold snow. Your sitting with your arms wrapped around your bent knees, looking forward with a distant, serious expression. I watch you look out at the snowy ground and dense, snow covered trees that surround us a few yards away. You drop your head down, as if disappointed by the blandness of our surroundings. I lean up to sit next to you and look at you staring into the distance.
i start to say something but I don't know what.
You turn to look at me. The look on your face kills me. You look sad and disappointed, empty. I draw back, afraid you will get mad.
I fight back tears, burying my face in my arms as I pull my knees up into myself so you don't see me become upset. I hear you shift in the snow and I feel you lacing your fingers into mine, pulling me to stand up.
You pull me into you, letting me bury my face against your chest. You push me away a little and cup your hands around my face to pull me up to you. I feel your warm breath on my face as you lean your head down to my face. I close my eyes and feel your soft full lips against mine. I feel your teeth graze my bottom lip as you wrap your arms around me, pulling me closer. Leaning up to stand on my toes I grab the collar of your shirt as I press myself against you.
I hear your breath become quicker as you move your tongue to part my lips. Your arms tighten around me as my body goes numb from the cold. You pull away to hold me so I don't fall, and gently lie me in the snow. Rolling on your side you wrap your arm around me to warm me up. I tilt my head to rest against your chest, feeling a warm sensation in my stomach as I nuzzle into you.
I open my eyes to see a deep purple sky. The sun is seconds from setting. I turn my head to look at you.
But there's no one.