Character: they say it's what you do when no one's looking. What about what you think when no one's listening; when you're all alone in the dark recesses of your mind; left in solitude with your ever whirling thoughts and emotions? That's when you're the most honest, isn't it? But we're all liars. We pretend we're better than we really are; we act like nothing hurts us; we try to ignore our faults and hope no one can see through our façade. It doesn't work; it'll never work. We're all liars; whether to ourselves or to others, it makes no difference.
This is the story of a girl who was the biggest liar of all.
The story of a girl who lied to everyone she knew and to herself most of the time.
The girl who pushed everyone away but craved nothing more than to be loved.
She had this persona she used, a mask she wore. She was the tough girl; she played with the boys and didn't let anything touch her. She pretended not to feel much, but she also pretended to feel love. You see, she didn't understand relationships; truth is: she sucked at them. She knew how people were supposed to feel and act, but she never could manage. Boys fell for her and she didn't even know. But that was probably for best because it never lasted long- for either of them. She crushed on almost every boy who was nice to her and a few fell for her also, but never at the same time. All the same though, she was never able to hold onto a relationship, never able to feel like she was supposed to when she was in one.
The first boy was when she was young- and of course foolish. She sat next to him on the bus for a weekend long field trip and they talked and talked. He put his arm around her and held her hand in the mountains. She thought he was funny and sweet- even if he was a little immature. Then, in the middle of a conversation about some trivial little thing he dropped a bomb. "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" She startled at the immature, almost childish way he asked and very foolishly said yes. She didn't really know him at all- they had actually only met that weekend- but she thought that wouldn't matter. Perhaps it wouldn't have if she wasn't who she was.
The rest of the weekend was nice; though not much different from the first half. But this is her we're talking about so it couldn't possibly last. Sure enough, on the long ride home she got scared. She couldn't tell you why- he was sweet and funny and liked her- but she was terrified to be in a relationship, no matter how immature of one it was. She started crying for an unknown (to everyone else) reason, and instead of him, it was her best friend, Sean, who had to comfort her (it was in that moment she perfected lying: she told the boy she was perfectly fine and so it was her best friend who had to come to the rescue). Sean told her to do what she felt was right, and she told him that she just didn't think it would work between her and some guy she'd met that weekend but had no idea how to tell him. So Sean, being that best friend he was, very chivalrously offered to talk to him for her. And she agreed and scurried off as Sean told the boy that she didn't want to go out with him. Then she spent the rest of the year trying to avoid him.
The next boy was later that same year. She had several classes with him and a friend told her he had a huge crush on her- he also wanted to ask her to the formal. Even though she knew he was going to ask, he still caught her off guard when he did and she was shocked into an answer: yes. You see, he asked several months before formal, and even though it was only a date he truly asked her on, it turned into them being boyfriend-girlfriend. All of a sudden she had to take into account what someone else thought- something she'd never really done before. Even though they weren't serious- he never even held her hand or slung his arm around her shoulder- he claimed her as his and she hated it. She would purposely try to piss him off- saying stupid stuff, doing things she knew he thought were bad- but he never seemed to care. He swore she hung the moon almost and nothing she did would make him break up with her. She of course didn't know how to break up with a boy.
A couple months after he asked her out- before formal though- she fell very hard for one of her friends. This second guy, Sam, was everything she loved about people- which admittedly was precious little. He was funny and charming, but he was also smart and liked to read and could always explain something, whether it be politics or science, without making her feel stupid. Sam didn't have a girlfriend or a date to formal, but she was stuck with her date and no clue how to break it off. She then had to watch Sam pine after another girl before actually helping him figure out how to ask someone else out. Tragic and cliché, right? Well, the story goes on and once again, at the end of the year, she found herself crying without anyone else knowing why. She and all of her friends, including Sam and her 'boyfriend', were sitting in the gym during their 'free day and yearbook signing' since they were eighth graders. The formal was the next night and Sam had found himself a date and would end up not giving her a second glance. So she was sitting with all of her friends, feeling unbelievably sad- and not just because the guy she loved thought of her as no more than a sister, but also because she'd be leaving all of her friends at the end of the year. Once again the guy she was 'with' had no idea what was wrong and it was Sean who comforted her (she would later learn that he had a humongous crush on her for several years). Fast forward through formal (which was a lot of fun despite her date), to a couple weeks after when she finally found a way to break up with him: they were going to different high schools. She told him and he agreed they should split up, and yet every time they ended a conversation he would say 'Love you' like they had always done. Well, after a couple weeks she stopped responding 'Love you too' and he asked why. She didn't know how to tell him she never loved him in the first place so she just didn't answer him. They haven't spoken since.
The third guy was someone she'd known in elementary school, though they went to different middle schools. He was funny, but it was a different kind of humor now. It was darker and inappropriate sometimes (most of the time). She loved those kinds of jokes. He was one of the people in their little band of almost-misfits who spent most of lunch telling perverted jokes and chucking water bottles at each other. She was aware that one of the guys had a crush on her and her best friend, whose name is Jamie, reported that two others might also. She didn't believe her until one day in March of her freshman year.
After lunch every day she and a couple of the guys went one direction to the other wing of the school. At the stairs, she'd go up alone as the others went down the hall or out to the trailers. One day, just before she got to the stairwell, Patrick asked her what she thought about it. Now she was confused as to what was he talking about, and asked him as much. Then she remembered that during lunch, he had slung his arm around her shoulder in response to a joke and someone had asked if they were dating. Realization hit her just as soon as he said 'About you and me.' He was asking her out after lunch in front of half their friends! She'd never felt so put on the spot before. She muttered a garbled 'I have to think about it' before fleeing the scene. His last class of the day was right next to hers and that day he stopped by the door and she knew he wasn't going to let this drop. She had been so shocked at his question that she'd barely thought about what would happen after she answered- do you see the pattern here? She wanted to make sure he was serious about going out, and when he said he was, she stupidly said yes. She thought they could make it work even though she had no romantic feelings for him.
They went out for a couple of weeks- only four actually- before she realized that it wasn't working. She'd grown to hate talking to him because he unloaded all of his problems on her, and she had no idea how to help him. She was the type of person to keep things to herself and wanted others to do mostly the same but he was using her as an emotional crutch. Of course, the failed relationship was not all his fault; the plain truth was she didn't know how to be in a relationship. She liked to be in charge of herself, and didn't like others telling her what to do, so people called him whipped. She was the type of person to lash out when she was angry- usually by punching the person, and he said a lot of stupid stuff that made her angry. She'd come to realize that whenever she said 'love you' to him, she was lying. She didn't love him- not in the way two people in a relationship should. Their relationship wasn't working and she was the only one who saw it! This time though, she didn't stay with him just because she didn't know how to break it off. She decided to tell him before fourth period, as it was the only time she'd see him without all of their friends surrounding them. She told him 'I don't think this is working,' and he asked 'What?' 'Us,' she answered, 'I don't think we are working together.' He was heartbroken; she could see it in his eyes. He brushed past her with a 'Fine,' and went to class. For the next two months he posted the most awful things on facebook and she spent the time trying to avoid him.
When she ended things with the last boy, she figured dating her friends was a bad idea- and dating in general might not be the best. But her very best friend, who she trusted more than anyone, still had a crush on her and she felt him pulling away from her more and it was getting harder to talk to him. The worst part was she thought she might like him more than just a friend. The way she saw it, she could either do nothing and lose him for sure later on or she could act on her potential feelings and possibly ruin their friendship if it didn't work out. She naturally chose to risk her friendship and tell him she liked him. She told him she thought she was falling for him and wanted to give them a shot. He agreed and they started dating a month before sophomore year. They were great together- they weren't best friends for nothing- she was able to talk to him and he thought she was funny and beautiful. She thought he was amazing and sweet and knew he cared for her more than anyone else. After almost a year of dating, he brought up the future and what they'd do after high school. She always had a very set plan- four year degree, a job, traveling, lots and lots of animals, but never a family. She never wanted to get married or have kids, but she knew he did. He wanted what she could never handle but she didn't want to lose him either. As he was talking, she saw how bright his eyes got and how happy he was. She didn't have the heart to crush his dreams, so she went along with it, saying it would all work out, that maybe they could get married some day. She went along with it and lied about what would happen to them after high school.
Are you seeing the pattern with this girl? Can you see now why she's the biggest liar of them all?
She did love this last boy; really, she did. She couldn't see herself spending the rest of her life with him, though- at least not at first, when he was talking about it. Later on, though, oh she could see it. She believed they would last all the way through college, maybe even beyond. Maybe they would grow old together. Then they continued to date for a few more months and the dream slipped away. She could barely stand to be around him- but not because of him, god no, it really was her not him. She couldn't stand that he thought so highly of her and didn't know what a lying fraud she was. Because she knew what she was: a liar and a fraud. She lied about their future together; she lied when she told other boys she loved them; and she lied when she let the last one believe she liked him touching her and loving her. Yes, she knew what she was. Now she can feel them drifting apart, but she doesn't know whether to fight it or let him go.
It's not just with boys and in relationships that she lied. Oh, no, this girl lied in almost every aspect of her life. Like it was stated earlier, she played with the boys and of course she didn't let it show just how hard it was for her to keep up. She thought after every game that she was done; she would quit after that season because she was tired of getting beaten up every time she tried to play. She was tired of getting left in the dust and coming out of every game sore, battered and bruised. But she loved soccer so she couldn't quit playing with the boys because there was no way in hell she was going to join the girls' team. She'd worked too hard to prove she could play with the boys to admit defeat and go slinking back to the girls. She was far too proud to do that so she stayed with the boys and continued to get more and more battered at every game.
Of course, the tough girl that played with the boys would never be caught dead reading or watching romance. She claimed she hated all the clichés and junk associated with that drama, and to an extent she did. She hated the trashy romances with the hunky guy and half naked girl on the cover. But she could never resist having a little bit of romance in her novels. She read fantasy and loved magic, but her favorite books and a heaping of magic, a helping of adventure and a dash of romance. Those cheesy Hallmark movies? She could sit down at the beginning of one and predict the ending within five minutes, and claimed she hated them. And yet, while she knew they were cheesy and cliché and had awful acting, she was a sucker for them. She could never resist watching them. But she would never admit any of that, and so once again, she's lying to everyone who knows her.
Can you see now why she's such a liar? Do you understand how she's a fake and fraud, even though she says she can't stand fake people? Even though she claims she doesn't hide things from people? (Lies; she always has secrets.)
She's never told anyone just how much she thinks about how it would be if she wasn't there. If her friends didn't have to put up with her. If someone asked her if she would be considered 'troubled' (fucked up in the head, more like it), and she absolutely had to answer completely honestly, the answer would be 'depends on who you ask and what day it is'. Not like she'd ever tell anyone that, though. No, this girl has the unique ability to screw up almost every relationship she's ever had- almost only because the one she's currently in hasn't crashed and burned yet- and push people away as sure as become friends with them. How little people actually know about this girl and what goes on in her head is a testament to all of this. She's able to push off any "Are you okay?" with a simple "Just tired." She does it every day, and people always believe her. They never question it.
Yes, everyone has secrets. Everyone lies; some more than others.
Did you notice that her name was never once mentioned in this entire thing? That's because, if asked, she would have lied about that too.