Chapter Fifteen
"I could be the one to set you free." -Avicci vs Nicky Romero 'I could be the one'
"Kitty, I have a crisis."
"What?"
"I said I have a crisis."
I followed Grayson into the cafeteria. "What's the crisis?"
"Ben wants me to sit with him. Catelynn wants me to sit with her. What the hell am I supposed to do?"
"Err..."
"This is why I never want them to break up, Kitty. Makes things lank awkward."
"Sit with Catelynn." I said. "I thought you said you were pissed at Ben."
"I am! But...he's my best friend. I can't leave him in the dark. He must be going through hell right now."
"Then go sit with him then."
"What about Cate? I can't just ditch her, Kitty."
"Grayson, just innie-minie-mo or something!"
"This shouldn't be random!" He stressed. "Oh, shit. Ben saw me. He's looking at us now."
I looked up. There he was, sitting at a table with a few of the guys on his hockey team. He looked down, but his face lit up when he made eye contact with me. He waved.
"Shit, he wants us there." Grayson's mouth curved downwards.
"Where's Catelynn?" I asked cautiously.
"Over there." Gray motioned to a table of girls who I didn't really know. I knew their names and faces but didn't aquaint myself with them. I bit my lip, my eyes still on Ben's.
"I think we should go sit with Ben..." I started, but Gray was already seated next to Catelynn. I cursed quietly and tried my best to pull off a natural smile when Catelynn pointed at the empty seat she'd saved for me. With a sigh, I reluctantly made my way to the table, leaving Ben behind.
"How are you doing, Caty?" Grayson asked with deep concern.
"I guess I'm okay..." She sighed sadly. "I've been sleeping quite a bit...I guess...but I keep having dreams about him. Then I wake up crying. Then it hurts all over again."
"Oh, Caty." Grayson kissed her forehead. "I wish I could just go drive his head against the wall for making you feel like this."
"Its not his fault." She said softly.
"It is his fault!"
"No, its not. Its not his fault that I'm still in love with him, and he's clearly not. And I can't blame him. I can only blame myself for not being good enough."
"Cate..." Grayson started.
"You should talk to him." She said raspily. "He's your best friend, Gray."
"Well, so are you."
"I'm fine. Kitty will keep me company, won't you?" She smiled at me. I shifted uncomfortably.
"Okay." I smiled weakly.
"Go talk to him, Gray." Cate said softly. Gray nodded and got up from his chair, walking over to the table Ben was sitting at. I watched him take a seat across Ben and they started talking immediately. Gray's agitation vanished within seconds. It calmed me to see Ben pouring out while he spoke. He was so calm about it.
"Do you think I'll ever be okay?" Catelynn asked me.
"You'll be okay, Cate." I said, trying my best to give her all my sympathy. Her green eyes grew.
"When? Because I hate this feeling." Catelynn scowled. "Like I'm worth nothing to someone who means everything to me. I mean, when Ben and I first broke up...I ended it, and I felt like crap. Because well, he cheated on me. And I was angry at the betrayal more than anything. And I hated him. Really hated him for what he did. But I never stopped loving him. That's why we got back together...because I didn't stop. But now, it feels permanent. Like I have to stop. But I don't want to, Kitty. I don't want to stop."
"Heartbreak is only healed with time." I said.
She bowed her head. "This sucks. I shouldn't have come to school today. I want to call my mom to come pick me up. I can't do this."
"Cate, you sure?" I asked softly. "You sure you want to leave?"
"I can't deal with seeing his face, Kitty. I just want to break out into tears whenever I see the slightest reminder of him. I need to go home, what's the point of sitting in class when I won't be able to pay any attention? When all I can think about is him? Come with me to the secretary, please."
I cursed in my head. Why me? Why why why? Why didn't I just hide in the library!
We got up from the table and I followed Catelynn out the cafeteria, noticing Ben watching us. I grimly smiled at him, before leaving.
"I still thought we'd go on a million double dates." Catelynn said bitterly.
"Cate, its not the end of the world, okay?" I said softly while we walked. "Maybe its better this way. We're in matric, you don't need the distraction of a relationship anyway. Maybe for once you'll know what its like to be independent and strong. Think of it like this, next year we'll be off to varsity. To a wider variety of people and experiences. That's where we'll find who we're supposed to be...you'll never know what you might come across. Who you may meet. High school is ending...there's an ending to everything. Including your relationship. And its okay, its going to be okay, get a grip."
"You're right." She said. "I'll probably be in this funk for quite a while, but afterwards...I'll get a grip, I will. I just need to get it together. It hurts so much."
"I know it hurts, Cate." I hugged her, a terrible wave of guilt flooding through me. "I know it does."
Catelynn kissed Ben sweetly on the cheek in front of Tabitha and I. It was the annual St Claires- St Benedicts barbeque mixer.
"I love you." He sweeped her then-shoulder length blonde hair behind her ear. She giggled and rested her head on his shoulder.
"You think they'll ever break up?" I asked Tabitha, we were sitting on a stone bench.
"Probably." She said frankly.
"But they've been together for so long. 3 years already."
"So? They got together at 12. You can't tell me a person's taste doesn't change, Kitty. As they get older they'll realise they want different things. I'm almost sure of it."
"They seem happy."
"For now." Tabitha said. "There's always a for now."
I sat beside Catelynn outside the secretary's office, keeping her company while she waited for her mom to pick her up until break ended. We didn't speak about Ben, we spoke of something else.
"Did they ask you too?" Catelynn turned to me.
"Ask me too?"
"To testify." She said. "On the Bryan Lennox Case."
"Yes." I said. It baffled me as to why Catelynn also had to testify. She was only Tabitha's roommate at the time of the shooting, what could they even possibly get out of her? It hadn't been like they were close or anything. They were at each other's throats in grade 9. Especially after the Ben incident.
"You scared?" She asked. "I am."
"I'm nervous. I have no idea what they'd ask me."
"Same here." Catelynn said,"Its still devastating what happened. Even if it was 3 years ago."
"Remember Bryan's funeral?" I said curtly.
"That was awful." She said quietly, her voice pitiful.
Second break I went to the library. I decided to return Tess of D'Ubervilles, slightly disappointed, but knew there was no way I'd be abled to finish it. I had just dropped the book into the returns box when a pair of arms encircled my waist, sending a fever up my spine.
"Ben!" I scolded. "Anyone could see us, idiot."
"I know." He murmured, pressing his cheek against mine. "I just really miss the feel of you."
I couldn't help but break out into a feverish grin.
"Ben, stop it." I said with caution. I looked around. No one within eye-distance.
Gasping out a breath he let go of me. I turned to face him. Our eyes met while he ran his fingers through my ponytail, playing with it.
"I spoke to Gray." He said.
"I know."
"He demands to know who the girl is." He said with a worrisome expression. "He told me straight that he loves me, but hates my decision. I told him I have real feelings for this girl. I told him I think I may even be falling for her."
My stomach flipped at his words. "Oh?"
"Yeah." He pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes falling to my lips. "I may even be in love already. I'm going crazy about her, Kitty. I wonder if she's going crazy too."
I grinned against his lips.
"I think she is."
I walked out the school building after school. With a sigh, I readied myself to walk home. I started up the pavement, but before I could round the first corner, there was a hooter that alerted me. I turned to see which car hooted. A black Corsa. Gosh, Ethan! Didn't he have a job? What was he doing here?
I stood there, stunned. He rolled down the window, he had a pair of Ray Bans on. I wasn't sure if they were the real thing or knock-offs. Real or fake, they complimented his skinny suit. He looked better by the day. He had a little bit of golden stubble today that gave him an edgy look which I actually thought suited Ethan well. Reminded me of the days he'd grow out his beard in the holiday.
"I'll take you home, Kitty."
"How do you know what time I get out of school?"
"I was a scholar myself."
I reluctantly opened the door and got into his car, placing my school bag on my lap.
"You can just put it in the back seat." He said, driving further down the road. I turned in my seat and tossed my school bag in the backseat.
I sighed.
"Its my lunch hour." He said. "Maybe I could pick you up regularly."
"Why would you even want to?" I asked, clipping in my seatbelt.
"Feel like I owe it to you for all the years of being a piece of shit." He said, grinning. "Besides, I enjoy your company, Kit Cat."
"You do?" I sounded suprised.
"We're friends now, aren't we?"
"We are?"
"Well, we went to McDonalds yesterday. Spoke about a bunch of personal stuff. Thought that counted for something, didn't you?"
"This is surreal."
"What? That me and you are actually getting along?"
"Yeah...it's strange."
He nodded. "Listen, I know you used to be scared of me. And I get it. You should've been. I was fucked up. I'm still pretty much fucked up, there's not a day I go without thinking about my teenage years. Not a day. But there's a whole side of me that you don't know, and for some reason, I feel obligated to show you that side of me. I kind of think Tabitha would appreciate it."
We turned into my street, and I smiled sweetly at him, unbuckling my seatbelt.
"So tomorrow at 2 again?" He asked.
"Yeah, everyday at 2." I said. "Except Wednesdays."
"All right." He helped me get my school bag. "No problem, Kit Cat."
"Thank you, Ethan."
"No, Catalina..." He said seriously. "Thank you."
"For what?" I asked him, getting out his car.
"Thanks for being one of the few people in this town who would actually give a fallen soul like me a chance."
I smiled and nodded, shutting the door. "Bye, Ethan."
You're forgetting, I thought. I'm a fallen soul too, Ethan.
I got inside the house, to an empty house. It was Monday, Abuela had Care Ministry or something on Mondays. She'd often end up going for tea at the Old Age home with some of her friends. They'd share long, eventful stories about their lives. My Abuela isn't that old, still in her sixties, but she still had a rather fruitful life to report back on. Mama was at work and wouldn't be back until 7. In my younger days my sister Jules and I would use this time to bake or put on really loud music without anyone complaining. That hasn't happened since I was 12, my sister leaving this town when she was 14. I smiled fondly at the memory. Jules left shortly before I had met Tabitha. Before Tabitha, I had had a best friend. She was my sister, and I wondered if things would have been different if she hadn't left. If I'd even be close to Tabitha at all.
Feeling nostalgic, I grabbed the house phone. I scrolled for "Juliana" and pressed the call button.
It rung three times.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Jules."
"Kitty!" She sounded suprised. "Is there anything wrong at home? Brody's in town, he can come check it ou-"
"No no." I said."There's nothing wrong at home."
"Then how come you sound so down?" She asked.
"I hope I'm not bothering you."
"Of course not, I'm just chilling. Should get to the books soon, but its fine. I heard you have a boyfriend. Grayson, I hear."
"Yeah." I said limply.
"Details?"
"Not really." I said.
"What's wrong?"
"Why do you assume something's wrong?"
"I know you. There's something wrong isn't there? Is it the Case?"
"No." I said honestly. "It should be the Case, but its not..."
"What's wrong then, Kitty? You can tell me anything. You know that."
I swallowed. "I...Jules, I can't tell you."
"Of course you can."
"I'm in love, Jules." I said quietly.
"Already? How long have you bee-"
"No, its not him, Jules. Not my boyfriend. Someone else. I'm in love with him. I'm sure of it."
The line went silent.
"Jules, you there?"
"Holy shit, Kitty. That's hectic. But I've been there."
"You have?"
"Yeah...when I was 16. Remember, I was dating Tyler? Remember?"
"I remember."
"But I wasn't in love with him. I thought I was, but I wasn't. I was in love with my best friend."
"Brody."
"Yeah..." I could hear a smile in her voice."Brody."
"But you and Brody didn't even get together until you were in varsity."
"I know," she said. "And we wasted time. We really did. You shouldn't waste time, Kitty. Break up with Grayson, even if its going to crush him. Then tell this guy how you feel."
"You see, Jules. Breaking up with Gray is the easy part..."
"Oh."
Yeah he's kind of gay. He's effing hot, but he's effing gay too.
"The hard part is that he broke up with his girlfriend, he's been going out with her for 6 years now, for me. And she's one of my friends I think, and I don't know she's, so, crushed. She...she'll be devastated. You see, he cheated on her. She knows that. She doesn't know it's with me."
"That's tough." Jules said. "That's really tough. But if you really have genuine feelings for this guy...sometimes its worth her hating you. As long as you're with him, right? Look, I can't make a decision for you, because I know that caring what other people think was what got between Brody and I in high school. And I cared about what they thought...it was stupid, and it delayed things for us. But it doesn't have to be the same for you."
"Thanks, Jules." I sighed.
"Did you sleep with this guy?" She asked.
"What?"
"Did you?" She asked. "You can tell me, I won't tell anyone, I promise. I'm just curious."
"I did." I couldn't believe I had just confessed that to my sister. Cue the Catholic sibling lecture.
"Kitty, I want you to remember..." She said with caution in her tone. "Sex doesn't equal love."
"I know." I said.
"Okay." She said with a sweetness to her voice.
"That's it?" I questioned.
"What do you mean?"
"No lecture? No telling me off? No premarital sex scolding?"
She chuckled. "Oh, Kitty. I live in res. People are most probably banging downstairs right now. I may be a virgin, but I'm not a prude. I can't judge you, I have no right to judge you."
"You're a virgin?" Figures, but still. Didn't expect her to admit that.
"Brody and I are waiting." She said. "Its hard...no pun intended,but we're waiting."
"I kind of feel bad now." I said.
"Don't." She said, "Don't feel bad, Kitty. Look, you can still wait. Just because you're not a virgin doesn't mean you can't still wait."
Tuesday morning I braved into the school.
Catelynn and Grayson were talking by Cate's locker, while she shoved her tennis gear inside. They spotted me and waved at me, Catelynn smiling solemnly at me and Grayson grinning. I bit my lip and nodded at them in greeting.
Ben was walking our way, with his friend, Gabriel, from his hockey team. I made my way to Catelynn and Gray...but then I paused in my tracks.
Grayson looked at me in confusion. Here goes my sanity. I thought one last time. Then I didn't think at all.
"Ben!" I pulled him aside.
"Kitty." He looked at me astute. "What's wrong?"
"What's right?" I answered. Then I kissed him.
Yes, I kissed him. Hard. Passionately. And he kissed me back.
Right there, in front of Catelynn. In front of Grayson. In front of his friend, Gabriel. I didn't want to know how their faces looked, I didn't want to even think of Catelynn's reaction. But we did it.
It was best damn kiss of my high school career.
Because it marked the end to so much.
But the beginning to so much more.