I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with my mom since I got into that fight about Nikki with her yesterday. I can't help but think that she really does not love me. As soon as I told her, she started screaming and yelling and accusing and assuming. If I had children, I would want them to feel like they can tell me anything with confidence and we can talk it through. In fact, I tell my little brother that if he has a problem or a secret that he can't tell our parents, he can come and tell me and big sister will fix it.

My mom did the complete opposite. She's so bad at comforting someone; she just gets loud and angry all of a sudden. This is not the first time she has done this either. Just a few days ago, my parents and little brother and I went out all the way to Great Lakes Crossing, a big mall in Michigan. We walked around and browsed and shopped for a few hours and we finally went out to the parking lot around dusk. However, it was when I stepped into the truck that I realized I left my shirt that I bought from the Converse store in one of the dressing rooms. My mom proceeded to scream at me for being dumb and forgetful and I almost wanted to cry. My dad, on the other hand, was calm and told me that I should go back to the store and see if my shirt was still there. I got out of the truck and I did find my shirt when I asked the sales lady. My dad told me that my mom wasn't mad when I got back in the truck but my mom didn't say anything and she never apologized for it.

I just don't know what to think. I love my mom but I'm starting to see that she has some real problems of her own. She has always been a rather difficult person to get along with; she's very stubborn and narrow-minded. She has to have things her way or else. But as of lately, I think it's getting worse. She's turning 40 this month and I wonder if that has anything to do with it. She's also had a very troubled childhood; my grandfather was abusive and a drunk and impregnated my grandma every so often.

I'm trying so hard to understand her. She is my mother, after all. She gave me existance and raised me and has still tried to get me ahead in life by providing me with a college education. But..

But a mother must still earn the love of her children even if she has the biological connection. I appreciate everything she has done for me and I always will. I respect her. However, I don't know if I love my mom anymore. She's a cruel person and I have trouble getting along with her. I feel like she doesn't love me; the feeling might become mutual soon.