The words vibrated in her mind, shaking up her up, shaking up her entire being. She sat by her window, curled up and her mask up, allowing no emotions to show. No one could have guessed the turmoil going on.
Those two words reverberated against the walls of her mind again and again, growing louder and louder each time. She could feel the power of those two words slowly growing stronger and consuming her. She could feel the vines creeping up into her heart and choking the life out of her, the two words etched permanently into the vines.
It was like those words were always sitting at the tip of her tongue, just sitting never leaving the fortress in her mouth. It was with her constantly, it had constantly graced her with its presence much to her chagrin. It seemed to follow her everywhere she went. It was like her curse.
. . . .
"You can't go back-mouthing your father. He's your father. And even so, even after you hurt him, while he was hurting he still went and looked for what you wanted. That's goodness, that's what good people do." Her mother rambled on soothingly, her eyes warm and concerned.
Her fists tightened with every word that escaped her mother's mouth, her temper flaring. She could feel the heat heading up to her face and she was sure the fire could be seen in her eyes. Her mother's words weren't helping at all, angering her even more instead of calming her down.
"He's one of the only people who will be there for you when you're alone. You can't lose him. You need to shape up, get your act together, become more like him-"
And then it snapped.
She whirled around and hissed, "Well I'm not. I don't have any goodness in me; I will never be like him. I will always be me, sorry to disappoint mother." The words tumbled out of her mouth, oozing with venom.
Her mother reeled back, looking like she had just been whipped, the hurt evident in her eyes. As soon as she realized what she had said, she fumbled to get out those two words. She had just been trying to help.
Her mother silenced herself and nodded, "I know." She whispered before walking out of the room.
She looked pleadingly at the door, desperate for her to come back.
She screamed in her mind and kicked herself again and again.
. . . .
"Hey what's up you haven't been talking to me lately, did I do something again?" She asked cautiously as she sat down at her lunch table.
He looked up at her with disgust and said nothing. She felt the hurt settling in the instant she realized she messed up again. She groaned internally and ran her fingers through her bangs.
"Look I'm sorry, I just I don't know, I know I can be mean-"She began but was cut off.
He turned towards her, his eyes flaming with hurt and anger, "No you're not mean, you can be a downright bitch." He snapped before storming off. She gawked in his direction before slamming her fist against the table top, letting out a small scream.
Everyone turned to look at her but she was already gone, racing through the empty halls. She found an empty hall and slid down against one of the lockers, cradling her head in her hands.
She could feel the guilty thoughts beginning to slither their way in, weighing down on her heart. His eyes seared through her mind, the emotions filling up every corner of her and covering her. She clutched her hair and let out a silent scream into her lap.
She did it again, screwed up, let her temper get the best of her. She snapped again and she was finally paying for her selfish actions.
She prayed for him to come find her and help her. She wanted to say it so bad.
The words burned the tip of her tongue.
. . . .
As the days passed on, she watched as she realized who little friends she really had, she watched as she realized she was no one.
No one talked to her.
She was important to no one
And when she was sick for two days, no one even noticed.
Her selfish actions begin to stand out to her even more and more. They stood out like a tiger in traffic. She saw what little life she had. She saw what little she had left of herself.
She could feel herself losing herself in the depths of her misery. She could see herself slipping away, lost in her selfish misery. She plummeted deeper and deeper into the watery vortex that enclosed around her, trapping her. She saw the light dimming and dimming until everything was just shades of grey.
She didn't see a light in her eyes, no sincerity in her smile and no joy in her laugh. She found herself wanting to talk less and less.
I'm so damn sorry.