A Tourist's Guide to Time Travel

A Tourist's Guide to Time Travel

4500000000 BC

The Earth has just been created, and is currently a hot lump of rock. A perfect holiday for geologists. AVOID AT ALL COSTS if you are a firm believer in your religion (because you will discover that the world was not created by a deity, but by a 'Star-Dragon' with diarrhoea...).

3201000704 BC

A race called the 'Difplonites' are inhabiting the Earth. Difplonites are small creatures composed mainly of springy orange gunk, which live inside rocks their whole lives (which are about 5 minutes long) and then boil into nothing. To cope with such short life-spans, they are A-sexual and give birth almost instantly after being born. Perfect for biologists.

2100001769 BC

An object the size of Mars crashes into Earth, ending the reign of the Difplonites and forming the Moon (it is interesting to note that the object which hit Earth was the tooth of the same Star-Dragon which excreted it in the first place). Perfect for suicidal-maniacs.

1000000007 BC

Life begins again. Perfect for biologists.

400000730 BC

Life progresses to the stage when Dinosaurs evolved. Perfect for archaeologists and palaeontologists.

65000000 BC

An unfortunate incident occurred, involving an experimental VOID field (don't ask) and 75 tons of weed-killer....

8000 BC

The beginning of the extremely boring reign of the Human race.

2576 AD

The Froglodytes (giant frogs) take over the planet, and all Humans are forced to work in huge fly-paper factories.

2714 AD

Flies are becoming extinct, so the Froglodytes turn to a different food source: Humans.

3476 AD

Humans are becoming extinct, so the Froglodytes turn to a different food source: each other.

3592 AD

Froglodytes are becoming extinct, and the way is clear for the Biches (cross-breeds between Humans and Dogs) to take over from them.

3946 AD

Humans are now starting to devolve until they are as rare and as unintelligent as Hiphdronithith (if you haven't ever heard of Hiphdronithith it just proves how rare they are).

4612 AD

Humans are slowly making a comeback.

4944 AD

Human numbers plummet as 'Humaniside' becomes popular with Biches.

5197 AD

The Biches are locked in combat with the Cravja [Crav-y-ah] (cross-breeds between Cats and Birds), leaving time for the Humans to increase in number.

5371 AD

The Cravja win the war, and the Biches are banished to the inhospitable regions of the North and South Poles.

5930 AD

The Cravja think that the Human race is making too much of a nuisance of themselves, and then cram all the Humans into a small space-craft and launch them into the abyss.

6205 AD

A meteor (a scale from our old friend the Star-Dragon) hits, and causes extinction everywhere but the poles.

7846 AD

Humax, a race descended from the Humans which were ejected in 5930, arrive on Earth in their space-jets (they have become more intelligent since their ejection). On arrival they are attacked by Polar Biches (Biches which have evolved to withstand the freezing climate of the poles).

8209 AD

The wars are coming to a climax when suddenly..... Both sides are attacked by a new foe. The Deedly Boppers! (Deedly Boppers are little green aliens, which are easily identified by the two distinctive antennae coming from their head, and by their forever smiling faces. Boppers have actually been on Earth for many centuries! In 1999, at Torquay Boys' Grammar School, they started a full-scale assault on a year 8 boy who wishes to remain anonymous, and have ever since been living in the back of science-books, waiting for their moment.....).

8999 AD

The Boppers are finally defeated, and the Humbiches (the result of the Polar Biches and Humax working together for so long) now rule the world.

9000 AD

The Star-Dragon eats the Earth, Humbiches and all.