In The Beginning...

Redecoration

Christianity

In the beginning, there was nothing.

Then God came along and thought that He should do a bit of redecorating to brighten the place up. So, in the next 6 days God almost worked Himself to death creating light, separating night and day, creating the Earth and the Heavens, creating the animals, etc. etc. etc. Then on the 7th day, He was so tiered from all this work, that He took the day off.

The next day, He felt really energetic, and ready to take on the World (or at least he would have been, if the World would have been created yet). And so, because he was in such a good mood, he decided to create a being like himself who would rule over the animals. He created this being and named it Man (for some strange reason that we will not go into, He also named it Adam). He put this 'man' into the 'Garden of Eden' (where did that suddenly come from??!).

But Adam was sad, so God thought, and He thought some more, and He was just about to give up thinking, when He had a brain-wave. "I know," he said, "I'll make him someone else like himself, so he won't be lonely!", and He did! He made this being from one of Adam's ribs (don't try this at home, kids), and gave it to Adam, who named it Woman (yet again, the new being received a second name for some reason, Eve).

God said to Adam and Eve that they could have anything they wanted, and added as an after-thought "Anything except the fruit of that funny-lookin' tree in the middle of the garden.". And this was how Adam and Eve lived for many years, abiding by the rules, and doing what they were told, under the watchful eye of God.

But then, one day, God came to Adam and Eve and told them "I'm goin' down the pub an- the public library I mean, and I want you two to be good while I'm away. OK?". And Adam was good, and he didn't do anything he shouldn't have, but he didn't realise that Eve was missing...

Then, a little while later, Eve joined him. "Err... Adam?" she said, "You know God said we could have anything we wanted..."

Adam looked horrified. "You haven't been eating the forbidden fruit have you?" he demanded.

"Oh no," said Eve, "whatever gave you that idea?"

"The fact that you have a bit of apple skin stuck to your chin." He answered.

"Well... OK... maybe I did have a little taste..."

"You know we're not aloud to!"

"Look," said Eve, "the only reason God says we can't have it, is because he wants to keep it all for Himself. It's really good stuff, you really ought to try some."

"No," said Adam defiantly.

"Oh well," said Eve, "you don't know what you're missing," and went off in the direction of the forbidden tree.

"HEY!" called Adam. "WAIT FOR ME!"

And when God returned, he found Adam and Eve stuffing their faces full of the fruit. "IS THIS HOW YOU REPAY ME? I CREATED YOU, I LET YOU LIVE IN PARADISE, I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANTED, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? I CAN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT YOU EATING THE 'FRUIT-OF-GOOD-AND-EVIL' OR SOMETHING NAUGHTY LIKE THAT, EH? WELL, FROM NOW ON I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU ALONE, AND SEE HOW LONG YOU LAST!" and with that he turned and started to leave the garden.

"Oh well," said Eve, "it could have been worse."

"Oh," said God, suddenly stopping, "by the way, start to pack your things together, because from now on you're living on Earth."

"It just got worse," said Adam.

"Oh come on," said Eve, "it's not that bad..."

"And also, Eve," said God, "from now on, when women are having children, they will experience great pains."

"Yes it is," stated Adam.

So from then on, Adam and Eve lived on Earth. And, much to the annoyance of God, did quite well for themselves. They had a few kids (even if it did cause Eve to go through great pain), and they are, in fact, your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great (you get the gist of it) ancestors! And therefor, it is your great etc. Grandmother's fault that you know the difference between good and evil (though personally I cannot see why that is a bad thing). And also, it is said that the reason men have an 'Adam's Apple' is because when Adam ate his apple, a bit of it got stuck in his throat (hence the name) and all men have had a part of that apple in their throats ever since (how this happens is not yet known as it does not seem physically possible to inherit a chunk of apple, recent experiments to fuse DNA of plants with that of animals resulted in field-mice which attract bees and ravens which drop out of the trees in Autumn)!

Judaism

In the beginning, (does that sound familiar to you?) there was nothing.

Then God came along and thought that He should do a bit of redecorating to brighten the place up. So, in the next 6 days God almost worked Himself to death creating light, separating night and day, creating the Earth and the Heavens, creating the animals, etc. etc. etc. Then on the 7th day, He was so tiered from all this work, that He took the day off.

The next day, He felt really energetic, and ready to take on the World (or at least he would have been, if the World would have been created yet). And so, because he was in such a good mood, he decided to create a being like himself who would rule over the animals. He created this being and named it Man (for some strange reason that we will not go into, He also named it Adam). He put this 'man' into the 'Garden of Eden' (where did that suddenly come from??!).

But Adam was sad, so God thought, and He thought some more, and He was just about to give up thinking, when He had a brain-wave. "I know," he said, "I'll make him someone else like himself, so he won't be lonely!", and He did! He made this being from one of Adam's ribs (don't try this at home, kids), and gave it to Adam, who named it Woman (yet again, the new being received a second name for some reason, Eve).

God said to Adam and Eve that they could have anything they wanted, and added as an after-thought "Anything except the fruit of that funny-lookin' tree in the middle of the garden.". And this was how Adam and Eve lived for many years, abiding by the rules, and doing what they were told, under the watchful eye of God.

But then, one day, God came to Adam and Eve and told them "I'm goin' down the pub an- the public library I mean, and I want you two to be good while I'm away. OK?". And Adam and Eve were good, and they didn't do anything they shouldn't have, at least not to begin with...

Then, a little while later, as they were walking past the 'funny-lookin' tree' they heard a faint voice. "Adam, Eve," it said.

"Wh... who's there?" Adam asked.

"Adam, Eve," said the voice again.

"Who's there?" Adam demanded.

"Adam, Eve."

"Who's there?"

"Adam, Eve."

"Who's there?"

"Adam, Eve."

"Who's the-"

"You humans really are stupid," said a small serpent which had suddenly appeared in front of them.

"Who are you?" asked Adam. He wasn't bothered about being called stupid, because he had no knowledge of what was good and what was evil.

"I'm a serpent," said the serpent.

"Oh," said Adam, "what's one o' them?"

"I'm the thing that was calling you," explained the serpent. And before Adam could ask any more awkward questions, he continued "Do you know why your so stupid? There are two reasons."

"What does 'stoo-ped' mean, anyway?" Eve asked.

"All right, there are three reasons.

  1. Your minds are so one-tracked that you keep on asking the same question over and over again.
  2. You can't figure out that the only reason God says you can't have the fruit from this tree, is because he wants to keep it all for Himself. It's really good stuff, you really ought to try some.
  3. You don't even know what stupid means!"

"What was number 2, about the fruit?" Adam and Eve asked together.

"I said that the only reason God says you can't have the fruit from this tree, is because he wants to keep it all for Himself. That it's really good stuff, and that you really ought to try some," repeated the serpent.

"But God said that it was naughty to-"

"Stuff God. Look, just eat the-" here he said a word that neither Adam nor Eve could understand "-fruit. OK."

"Well," said Adam, "if you're sure that we won-"

"NO," said the serpent, obviously annoyed, "YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE, NOW JUST EAT THE-" the word he said now you probably couldn't understand, let alone Adam and Eve, "-FRUIT!"

This seemed to work, and the two humans were soon stuffing their faces full of the fruit, and the serpent was just about to leave them to it, when Adam turned to him.

"A minute ago, you called us stupid," he said (he now understood the word, because the fruit had taught him the difference between good and evil). He picked the serpent up by the neck, and started to squeeze. "What am I now?" he asked.

"...you...r...no...t...stu...u...ped...an...nymo...ore..." wheezed the serpent.

"What?" said Adam, "I can't here you." He squeezed tighter. "What am I?"

"YOU," said God, "ARE A VERY BAD BOY."

Adam dropped the serpent. "Sir," stuttered Adam, "I di... I di-di... I didn't here you come in..."

"IS THIS HOW YOU REPAY ME?" yelled God, changing the subject, "I CREATED YOU, I LET YOU LIVE IN PARADISE, I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANTED, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? I CAN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT YOU EATING THE 'FRUIT-OF-GOOD-AND-EVIL' OR SOMETHING NAUGHTY LIKE THAT, EH? WELL, FROM NOW ON I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU ALONE, AND SEE HOW LONG YOU LAST!" and with that he turned and started to leave the garden.

"Oh well," said Eve, "it could have been worse."

"Oh," said God, suddenly stopping, "by the way, start to pack your things together, because from now on you're living on Earth."

"It just got worse," said Adam.

So from then on, Adam and Eve lived on Earth. And, much to the annoyance of God, did quite well for themselves. They even had a few kids, they are, in fact, your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great (you get the gist of it) ancestors! Also, it is said that the reason men have an 'Adam's Apple' is because when Adam ate his apple, a bit of it got stuck in his throat (hence the name) and all men have had a part of that apple in their throats ever since (how this happens is not yet known as it does not seem physically possible to inherit a chunk of apple, recent experiments to fuse DNA of plants with that of animals resulted in field-mice which attract bees and ravens which drop out of the trees in Autumn)!

Australian Aboriginal

In the beginning (are you getting a feeling of déja vu...?), there was only land.

Only flat, barren, boring land. There were no animals, and no birds.

Then came Dream Time (no-one knows who was dreaming, or even what they were dreaming, just that they were dreaming), the time of creation. At this time, the Ancestors arose, and, after stretching their non-existent joints (they hadn't had much practise, what with being dead and all), they started to redecorate (God's seem to like doing that). So after creating everything and generally making the place look nicer, they taught all the animals (including humans) how to live, and how to keep life going by means of secret ceremonies which take place during the midnight hours (only they're not so secret anymore as you are taught Sex Education in Year 5).

Humanitarian

In the beginning (what is this? A new fashion? "Start your creation story with 'In the beginning', from Calvin Klein®"), there was nothing.

There were no stars, no planets, no space. There wasn't even a vacuum, because there was no time for there to be a vacuum in, it's absolutely incomprehensible, isn't it? You find it impossible to imagine 'Nothing' don't you? So it's pretty pointless me telling you really...

And then, somehow, nothing managed to explode, and became something. The something it became, was the Universe...

At first the Universe was the size of a marble (oh so that's where they got the idea for Men In Black® from), and then it expanded to the size of a golf ball, then a tennis ball, then a cricket ball, then a bowling ball, then a beach ball, then a- you get the picture, until eventually it ended up the size of, well, the size of the Universe (give or take a few billion light-years), all in the space of 0.0000301 (I just made that figure up) seconds.

All the new Universe contained was a load of gas, and that was about it. But from this gas, galaxies (like the Milky-Way) were formed. And in these galaxies, stars (like the Sun) were formed. And around these stars, planets (like Earth) were formed. And on one of these planets, water was formed. And in this water (there was a dark, dark staircase. And at the bottom of the dark, dark staircase, there was a dark, dark cellar. And in the dark, dark cellar, three skeletons lived!) life first began.

The life which began there, was nothing more than a few single-celled organisms. But as time went by, they progressed to creatures like jelly-fish, and later became small aquatic lizards. Then the small aquatic lizards crawled onto the land, and became small aquatic lizards, minus the 'aquatic' part. And the next stage was the step between small lizard, and big lizard.

And when I say big I mean big. The time of the dinosaurs, had arrived.

And for millions of years, these dinosaurs ruled, but they weren't the only creatures of the time (anyone who watches BBC1 will know that there was also a film crew there, who's footage has been released in a 6 part series) there were small furry creatures called mammals. But as it has already been said, the dinosaurs ruled for millions of years. But 3km of hot rock soon put a stop to that.

After the death of the dinosaurs, the mammals became the rulers of the Earth. And some of these mammals adapted themselves for swinging in the trees, these were called Apes. A small group of the apes then began to live on the ground. They became adapted for this (they developed flat feet, lost all their hair- except for a small amount on their head), began to walk upright, and, most importantly, they became more intelligent). Those creatures were your great great (oh no, not again) great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great (and so on and so forth) ancestors!

Yanomamo Sanema

In the beginning (what an original beginning) there was a forest.

It was a huge forest, which lacked only in one thing, life (only this, according to certain scientific principles, is impossible, as trees are regarded as living, and forests usually consist mainly of trees...).

But there was one thing living in the forest, it was Cunning Omao, a God (who probably liked redecorating). One day, Omao decided, not to redecorate, but to create life. So he sent his brother Soawe (hang on, a minute ago this forest was empty, and now? I don't get this, I really do not get this...) to collect some Hardwood. But Soawe was lazy, and couldn't be bothered to get Hardwood, and just picked up the first load of Softwood he came upon (only I don't see why this makes him lazy, Omao's the lazy one, he couldn't even be bothered to go and fetch some wood). When he got back Omao was very angry with him (but still didn't go and get his own wood). But there was some Hardwood. And with this wood Omao made creatures, but by the time he got to making Humans, all the Hardwood had run out, and he had to use Softwood (he could have gone to get some more Hardwood, but he just couldn't be bothered).

And because of Soawe's (supposed) laziness, we humans are a bunch of softies with short life-spans. Where as creatures like Anacondas are 'rock 'ard, Man' and will live forever. Because of this, we humans are not actually intelligent at all (wot? Ime 'telgant I am), but have just been taught everything by the Anacondas!

Hindu

This is not the first world (WOW! THE BEGINNING IS DIFFERENT!), this is not even the first universe! Many worlds and universes have come before, and more still are yet to come.

All these universes are created by Brahma, a God (who redecorates every, what is for hi-) Shut up. (Excuse me?) Shut up. (Are you talking to me?) Yes, I'm talking to you. (Who? M-) You, the one speaking in the brackets. (Yes?) I asked you to shut up. (And why should I do that?) Look, I've tried to contain myself so far, but I've had enough. (Enough wha-) Enough of you. It's hard enough trying to tell a creation story as it is, without you rambling on about redecorating or something stupid like that. (I can ramble on if I wa-) SHUT UP! (All... all right...) Thank you.

Now as I was saying... All these universes are created by Brahma, a God who lives extremely s...l...o...w...l...y. He lives so slowly that for him 4,000,000,000 years is a day!

But he is not the only God. There is also Vishnu, the Maintainer of Worlds, and Shiva (it must be cold) grrr….(sorry), the Destroyer of Worlds.

The universe is first created when Brahma wakes up. And is then looked after by Vishnu for the next four billion years. When the evening comes, and Brahma is getting ready for bed, the world becomes Shiva's responsibility, and she can do as she wishes with it, until Brahma goes to bed, when she must destroy it.