11th February 2011

Sometimes I feel kinda useless "/ So much has happened today that's really made me feel quite down. Amy and Dan split up after being together since Monday (it's now Friday). They both got me involved and then Amy didn't follow any of my advice and dumped him so it's me that looks bad.

Also, my old friend (just moved back to our school-used to go to my infants) told me she's 12 weeks pregnant. This really shook me because although she had proper sex and the condom split, I feel like it could happen to me through other things. I don't do much because I don't want to take risks but I don't like how nervous I'm feeling at the moment.

I'm also quite worried about how I'm changing at the moment. Not just through personality but bodily too. My periods are so heavy, it scares me and I'm getting quite thin. Too thin, some people think (friends, family, etc..). Thing is; I feel fine? "/

Something else that's occupying my mind these days is what I've done to certain people to make them change the way they act towards me or even hate me. Adam and Alex used to be like brothers to me, these days it's an on/off friendship where I'm trying my hardest to be someone they like being around but I can't be. I'm just so different from the other girls. I have spots, I'm not the right shape (bodily) and I'm far from beautiful in personality… They both used to look at me like I was the only girl in existence, like I was the only one they'd like to talk to. But now it's like they can't see me and I'm falling down the popularity ranks. Step by step I'm plummeting lower and lower. Eventually I'm gonna be chilling with the fat, thick, weirdos. I just really want my old life as a respected girl back…

Me and Mike are all good, he's supposed to be taking me out for valentines which is just about the only up side to this messy thing "/ He's taking me to the cinema I think. Well, I'm taking him. He wants a lift :') typical of him like…

I just text Alex asking what I've done. His texts back are really slow and I don't know why so it might be a while before he texts back. Oh well, I'll carry on writing while I wait.

Maybe I should text Adam the same thing? But he might get annoyed with me because we ain't exactly close. Oh fuck it, I'm gonna text him. Right; just sent a text saying: "are you annoyed at me? It seems like everyone is x". Shit, just got a text back of him. That was quick. Haven't opened it yet though…oh thank gawd! All he said was "no o.o my new phones back btw x". So, it's all good with Adam, just need to hurry along that text back from Alex… I sense he's going to get extremely annoyed with meL I find it quite scary when he gets angry with me.

Oh, hang on, I just got a text from him saying "Sowwie I'm just depressed" I've asked him what's wrong but I don't know whether he'll text back. That message could even have been sent by someone else "/ …

Turns out it wasn't sent by someone else. He's genuinely hurt and it's all cos he wants a girl who won't see him as a "greasy pedo" and his friends ain't helping him do that. I feel really sorry for him tbh "/

Wish I could think straight

xxx