i curled up on your bed and
wailed like an animal. like i
was an infant screaming for my
mother, desperate for
protection. for love. for
anything but this terror, this
loneliness, this nightmare
come to life.

we were fighting, that night. because
you thought i should take it to
court, but i said i was too afraid.

still. in the middle of it all you dropped
everything, set aside the anger
and boiling blood so you could
lie down next to me and wrap your
skinny arms around me. drape yourself
across my exhausted body
to keep me from being dragged too far away
by grief.

you whispered it's gonna be okay, it's
all gonna be okay
a few times. then was
silent, just let me babble incoherently
about fear and heartbreak and
ghosts coming back to haunt me.

fetal position, tight shoulders, my
hands fisted in my hair and my chest
heaving. trembling - convulsing. losing
control of my own body in the wake of
the destruction left behind.

(once upon a time i was laid to waste by a man
with a taste for tears, and his hatred
has finally caught up with me. i spent so long
insisting i was fine, that everything was better.
but he found me again, caught me unaware,
and threw me back into the murky waters
of self-loathing and misplaced blame.)

and so we fought, you and i. but you
saw past my explosive words and
held me gently in your arms, touched me
safe and soft, kissed the top of my head
because you knew it would calm me
when i needed to find peace.

you will never know
how much it means
that you would do that. for me.

i love you.


an. i know the ending kind of sucks, but i ran out of steam. i'll edit later