This morning I woke up, horrified, knowing it was that time again. It was time to go to wal-mart. I put off seeing the pajama clad masses for as long as I could.

My stress level rises the moment I'm greeted by an obese door-greeter who smells strongly of body odor. I'm sorry, did I say greeted, I meant frowned upon. It's clear from the general expression all wal-mart employees wear that they hate their lives, or at least their jobs.

As I proceed through the store, it's not long before an elderly woman almost bumps into my cart. Actually, she sees where I'm going and aims her cart at mine. I steer my cart to avoid hitting hers, and she giggles and claims that she's sorry and she didn't see me. Unless she was completely blind there's no way she could avoid seeing me, which leads me to believe this is some sort of old people sport.

It isn't long before I find my path blocked by two smelly people talking to each other. I've never understood the compulsion to hold conversations at wal-mart. Everyone these days has a cell phone, so I guess the person you hold a conversation with is the person you don't want to give your number to, but also don't want to hurt his or her feelings. Now I get it.

When I finally reach the item I'd come to the store to purchase there is a morbidly obese person standing in front of it, talking on their cell phone. I say, "Excuse me," as politely as I can, but it goes unnoticed. I then have to reach in front of this jackass to get what I've come to the store for. The evil glare they shoot me does not go unnoticed.

Finally, it's time to check out. I reach the front of the store, only to find that there are only three lines open with about fourteen customers in each. I get in the line I believe is the shortest, and it's not long before I'm joined by some random asshole who chooses to stand way too close to me. He usually looks like he belongs on an episode of king of the hill or honey boo boo. I move up as far in the line as I can, but so does he. I guess he thinks moving closer will make the line go faster.

After a thirty minute wait, it's my turn to check out. A bored-looking cashier scans my items as slowly as possible, while the idiot who was standing behind me tries to flirt with her. When my purchases have finally been bagged and I've paid, I rush toward the exit, dodging idiots who think its fun to stop in front of my moving cart.

Upon reaching the door, I find the obese door greeter blocking the door as he checks the receipt of a customer who set off the alarm. By this point, I just want to escape from this hellhole, so I attempt to go around. Another customer has the same idea as me and almost hits me with his cart. He shoots me a death glare as he exits the store.

It seems like an eternity before I'm safety in my car, and away from wal-mart. At this point, I don't even care if I have everything I've purchased. The only thing on my mind is getting as far away from wal-mart as I can.