A Little Death

I don't know what you want
From me anymore;
In fact I'm not sure what anyone
Wants from me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in guilt
Because somehow, paradoxically,
I'm treading water faster.

You want my words and you want my truths,
But only when it suits,
And often only so you can dispute
Every line I craft in my head.
You don't understand.

I'm caught up in this web,
And worry isn't an option for me.
I don't worry.
I panic,
Very silently so that perhaps
I resemble the tremor of the Earth –
So small on the surface but
Quaking with the horror of change
Far beneath.

I feel like you and everyone around me
Is drowning and falling
And struggling to breathe,
But I ran out of breath long ago.
You don't understand.

Maybe you don't understand,
Because I never told you,
Because I don't understand myself.
And maybe every person on this Earth should learn
Intimately the face of their own demons,
And have the courage to call them their own.
I don't know.

All I know is that I'm running
On anaerobic respiration,
And I have been doing for a long time,
Simply so I can spare you the oxygen
You need just to breathe.

I'm falling apart and dying inside,
But I guess my shell is the most resilient
Part of me.

And the blood I bleed doesn't belong to me
But I'll bleed it anyway,
Because maybe I have none of my own
To bleed.

You don't understand.

I'm dying just to keep you alive.