I'm sorry for all the trouble I've given you.
I'm sorry for whenever I distract you, annoy you, draw on you and poke you.
I guess I just wanted your attention.
I don't mean to be so childish about it.
I'm sorry giving you trouble recently.
I know I'm difficult to be with.
I know that you'd be better off if you just ditched me and ran for the hills.
I'm glad that you haven't.
I'm sorry for getting angry, upset, and stressed.
I'm sure you've got your own stress to worry about, even if you don't talk to me about it, so it must be troublesome to have to listen to my problems too.
But I'm breaking, Becca.
I'm breaking inside out.
The shell that's held me together for so long is shattering, and I'm falling apart.
I don't want to burden you with my problems, but you're the only person I can trust with every dirty, shameful secret.
I'm falling apart, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm barely living, I just exist, because what I have isn't a life, and if this is a life I sure as hell don't want it, because I'm sick of living like this.
I feel so helpless, because there's nothing I can think of to change this.
I'm addicted, Becca, I'm addicted to that fucking blade and I'm addicted to the fucking burns.
The most terrifying thing is, I'm not even sure I want to stop!
I grow more dependant on it each time I give in, and I'm giving in more and more and more.
The worst part is that I don't even know why I'm doing it!
I don't remember why I started in the first place!
Am I doing it because I'm overwhelmed? Or because I feel so hopelessly empty that I need to force myself to feel?
Is it even both? I'm so overwhelmed by the nothingness?
And why do you put up with me?!
Why do you just accept me?
Why won't you get angry at me? Yell, shout, scream at me?
Scream at me to make me stop bothering you? Tell me to sort out my problems on my own?
Do you hate looking after me?
Do you hate my constant need for care from you?
Do you hate my dependence on you?
My chest aches and it feels empty, my heart is always pounding and thoughts pass through my head so quickly that I can't even recognize it as thought, instead it's just a whirring in my brain, so hard and so fast I want to throw up and I can't stop it!
I can't stop it, and I have no control.
I thought this would give me control, because I choose when, where, what with and why.
But I'm starting to think that it's controlling me, because I can't go without it.
I'm going insane.
It's like torture, because I know it and I can see that I'm going nuts.
Everyday I lose another one of the shattered pieces of myself.
Everyday a little more of me slips away and I don't know if there's anything I can do to stop it.
So, before I lose myself, because who knows if I'll ever come back?
Maybe I will.
I don't know.
So, before I lose myself, I just want to say I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you.