Now let's see…. I wrote this a couple of years back as a school assignment, but, recently I found the file again and decided to publish it: see author 'Hurdy' for his take on Time Travel… This is basically a brochure for time travellers - Read it and find out, please review.
Noonelikesus. Incs' Temporal Warp Machine, is a new dimension (literally!) in transport and the first and only transportation device of its kind available to the general public... It allows people to travel in the 4th dimension faster than they normally would. Humans travel at what we determine as 1T*, which is fairly slow, which restricts our actions somewhat. The Drazenflyte can travel at speeds of up to 1,000,000T allowing us to travel somewhat further into the future than we would normally due to the human tendency to die. The Drazenflyte emits a quantumwhatshamacallit*** field to prevent its occupant(s) from ageing (An anti ageing feature is available). The Drazenflyte has been/will be/is your greatest purchase ever****.
Welcometo your new Temporal Warp Machine
Before using the machine we must stress that it is a good idea to READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS. And that we accept no liability for your death, or if you change history.
While using the TWM, there will be a T-force once you are travelling more than 1T or less than -1T, this comes from being in several different places at once, you may also experience dizziness and sickness, these symptoms are caused by what is commonly called Time Sickness or 'URGH!'*****, This is much like motion sickness, but is much worse, for instead of your bodily fluid being able to 'slosh' in 3 dimensions, it can now slosh in 4 dimensions! URGH usually only occurs when you are moving at speeds in excess to 100T. When you move at speeds in excess 1,000,000T you will experience what is scientifically called beingdead syndrome or death as it is commonly called. This is due to the Drazenflyte being compacted into such a small moment in time****** that it explodes with immense force, splattering your body in all 4 dimensions. People travelling in excess of 1,000,000T will be/are/have been the major cause of exterior house redecorating, so we urge you not to travel at such speeds, for you endanger your life in doing so. The special theory of relativity proves that moving clocks (in horizontal, vertical, or depth dimensions) move slowly or that time is relative, and in effect, the non-temporal dimensions around a time machine become distorted, and gives the machine the name temporal warp machine (Warping through the standard 3D).
To Operate the Drazenflyte:
Follow the simple online instructions shown on the central screen of the cockpit. For assistance, if stuck in a period of time, send our 'help beacon' forward/back in time to us using the clearly marked 'help beacon' button in the bottom-left corner of the cockpit. If you cannot start the machine contact us at 010-DON'T-ASK-US.
You could stop in any era in which the Earth existed, or will exist, and even before/after that, although that is strongly dis-advised due to humans not being able to breath in space. Civilised places have often complex systems of communication and conversation, take for instance: the Sarcastoids from 8,000 AD, an extremely advanced race who have come to plague the Earth with the lowest form of humour possible. If you were to say, 'Hello, I'm from the 20th century, you must be a Sarcastoid,' the reply you would receive would be 'Oh, I'm so happy; a time traveller from the 20th century has arrived,' (Sarcastically). You have to be skilled a cultivating conversations in order to successfully communicate with many races of the future, to hear more about the races of the future read below, you will also find information on the races of the past…
Suggestions: Do not come here, you will be fried by the tectonic activity of the Earth's surface…
The Earth has been formed by a freak incident, involving a workman of the old empire, and his spanner. This workman, was minding his own business, when a stray spanner hit him on the head (We had nothing to do with this, really!) which caused him to power up his hyperactive, superduper, macaroni sandwich machine. Which inadvertently decided that due to the lack of macaroni left in its reserves to vend a sandwich-sandwich. The workman, obviously aggravated and highly annoyed, kicked the machine, which fell over and promptly exploded. Due to the highly dangerous placing of this vending machine, it started off a chain reaction, leading all the way to the engine room. Which, also, exploded, destroying the ALPHA 1 space platform, and leaving no traces of its existence except for a sandwich –sandwich which flew into close orbit around the sun, collecting dust as it did so. Eventually, the dust and the sandwich had a large enough mass to pull in larger matter, which gathered and eventually created the Earth.
Suggestions: Bring your environment suit-ITEM 00345
Life began to grow on the mouldy sandwich, which was the Earth, in the form of organisms, which are the early relatives to the standard single celled organisms. These were what we call 'Deedly Boppers' their distinct circular cell walls with two linear protrusions which are in close vicinity of each other are easily recognised, the two protrusions eventually become new Deedly Boppers, creating a thick mat of Deedly Boppers, spreading like an infernal coral reef. In order to survive in this period, you require an environment suit due to the lack of oxygen.
Suggestions: You will either a. get eaten by what is left of the Deedly Boppers, or b. become amazingly bored: Costs nothing for a long and painful suicide attempt.
Deedly Boppers cover the surface of the Earth, and have exhausted its food supply. Are forced into cannibalism, eating those of the same species and eventually wiping themselves out (Except for the few that hitched a ride on a comet, when it skipped of the surface of the atmosphere: Deedly Boppers can exist in the air). The planet is just a grey wasteland, with oceans that roll with the power of the moon.
NOTHING HAPPENS FOR A *VERY* LONG PERIOD OF TIME
ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH…
During this time, the Galactic Empire swells enormously, governing every province in the Galaxy worth governing (That does not include the earth)… This was a time of exploring, conquering and discovering, where men were men, women were women, and where small green hairy creatures from Alpha Centauri were small green hairy creatures from Alpha Centauri. Then after billions of years of success, the Empire met its fate when the Milky Way was split into two different realities (Due to what we determine as a problem with the first time machine ever in the old Empire), only one where the Empire existed. The one in which the Empire existed was compressed by a black hole and sent into an alternative future, where a small puppy called 'Scraps' mistook it for a rather fancy chew treat.
Suggestions: Bring a kettle, and scold the venomous insects.
Small single celled organisms evolved from the Deedly Boppers when they, in their asteroid re-entered the atmosphere. These single celled organisms evolved into higher forms of life, e.g. fish, insects etc. The insects and plants ruled the earth for millions of years, and during this time, a highly intelligent race of insects evolved: The Genkiheli. This highly intelligent race still existed during the reign of the human race, and built large colonies under, and over-ground. These insects, although they did not develop technology at the rate of which the humans did, made great progress in the scientific areas of: 'How to avoid being crushed under a shoe,' and 'How to be burnt horribly by scolding water from a kettle'. Also many great philosophical books were written during their time, for instance 'Why humans tip scolding water all over our homes'… We call the Genkiheli, the 'Ants'. Unfortunately due to the tendency for ants to be found on the soles of shoes, they have never really had a chance to communicate with humans. Once, one Ant actually got the attention of a human, his attempt to communicate peace to the humans was mistaken for a bite with acid sprayed all over it.
Suggestions: Do not talk to the dinosaurs! No kit required.
The reign of the dinosaurs, a highly civilised version of their reptilian ancestors, that is, if you consider being civilised as eating each other (Which the dinosaurs did). The reason why dinosaurs never advanced at all in technology was that every conversation from dinosaur to dinosaur went like this: 'Hello, jolly good day to ea-HOMPH!' and resulted in at least one dinosaur becoming a corpse lying on the floor.
Suggestions: Highly dangerous radioactive landscape this era requires an environment suit.
A freak accident event involving 1000 tons of unwanted AOL disks and the Drazenflyte Prototype wiped out the dinosaurs….
Suggestions: McHuman with fries?
Ancient man appears and develops what seemed like advanced conversational skills at the time. That one of the most popular phrases of the time: 'UU GH-WAHH-BUG-WAHH' this roughly translates as: 'ME WANT FOOD NOW!'…We would advise that you do not visit this time or you may end up over for dinner with a cave man (Literally!).
Suggestions: Watch out for Samaritans, they pick you up off the side of the road when you are minding your own business and leave you in an Inn.
Someone called Jesus is born, he apparently thinks he's God's son. I would personally advise you not to come to this era…There is no point, you'll never find evidence that God exists, because if you did, theoretically, he wouldn't (He only exists in faith so if you find proof god will not exist: Seriously limiting your choices at death).
Suggestions: To blend in, and Yin, Yan T-shirt would be useful.
Earth, now heavily polluted by the human race has two main intelligent life forms, Homo sapiens (humans) and hippi-sapiens. Humans have become incredibly ignorant, and the streets of many cities will be covered with waste materials, which will have been left by some ignorant human, the conversational skills required for these beings are just as you need for everyday communication with others in the present. Hippi-Sapiens are a radical evolutionary break-away from the human race, who live in small colonies among the tree canopies, and have abandoned technology in favour of nature, these colonies among the trees are interconnected by small pathways built from strong hazel wood. It is in-advisable to even attempt to talk to these future equivalent 'hippies' for they will use a technique of conversation which is restricted to just a few words; 'Peace', 'Man', 'Save', 'Trees'. If you were to speak to one of the hippi-sapien species, you would hear the reply; 'Peace man, trees man, save peace, peace save,' these words are all that survived from the hippies of the past millennium, who are worshipped as gods by this canopy dwelling tribal race. The humans still inhabit 95% of the planet, and are unchallenged in their levels of intelligence.
If you suffer from breathing problems it is advisable that you steer clear of this era in civilisation.
Suggestions: Titanium Umbrella
Due to extensive testing of our time machine, this age has been altered, very slightly from its original course, in this, we mean a hamster, from a parallel dimension, the size of France, entered through a portal, or slit in the space-time continuum. In their haste, the humans attacked this strange phenomenon with the most powerful weapons available-
E.g. Atomic Rockets. As a result, the Earth now has a radioactive satellite, called 'Hammy' orbiting the Earth…As you can imagine, this would cause some subtle disturbances in the space time continuum… The humans have discovered intergalactic travel, and have an improved version of the Drazenflyte for sale, we must stress that you will require a LARGE umbrella, composed mostly of titanium, to be able to walk outside, due to the rapidly increasing levels of acid rain. Most Hippi-sapiens, utilising space travel, have evacuated the Earth in search of a planet, which is just like the earth a million years ago and without a glowing yellow hamster in orbit around it that is fertile.
Suggestions: Environment suit
At this point, giant evolved cockroaches roam the Earth and quarrel over who gets to eat the human settlements, now rubble, for cockroaches are the only creature on the face of the planet Earth that can survive intense radiation, and bombardment from various pieces of hamster. The radiation was caused by the impact of 'Hammy' to Europe. Instantly wiping out London and Paris, and many of the other capital cities in the vicinity, only leaving one town in the whole of Europe, in the south west of Britain, TOTNES, the hippi-sapien capital of the world. This was due to a bizarre incident involving a cucumber, a potato clock, a paper shredder, and a lot of luck. Other species such as humans and birds have mutated into hideous genetic monstrosities, such as the Blyzzizard and Grosichenals. Blyzzizards being a combination of a standard household washing machine (Which has not changed one bit for 4000 years, purely by chance (Honest!)) and a bird of prey, resulting in flying washing machines.
A Groschenial being a combination of a dog and a whale and looking very much like something out of the much acclaimed 20th century film: Fantasia. Groschenials rule the oceans of this time-which have, if you wish to be optimistic, a graceful green radioactive tint to them (Of course if you wish to be pessimistic, there are a huge number of ways in which you could describe it.). As explained earlier, the Sarcastoids invaded, mainly because (It's so much fun here-as a Sarcastoid would say) it is dismal, and boring enough to be sarcastic to new limits…
The Sarcastoids are an inter-dimensional race from the depths of the Alpha Centauri, which has been renamed 'blue shiny thing in the sky,' by the most intelligent of the Hippi-sapiens.
Humans do not exist on the Earth at this point in history, for they have used intergalactic travel to colonise new galaxies, and so have escaped the wrath of 'Hammy'.
Suggestion: Bring an AOL CD-ROM to scare off any robot (AOL is the devil in Robotology V0.345678 recurring).
Robots built by the Sarcastoids had separated from those who created them, and had decided not to serve them, thus starting the religion of Robotology V0.345678 recurring; this religion was governed by the 3 command lines:
20 GOTO HELL ELSE
30 GOTO HEAVEN
In their superhyperdrivethingimawhats the Sarcastoids took a species of human, which due to the nuclear disaster 2 millennia ago evolved into what we call Humzeeblawachs. These Humzeeblawachs despite their rather slug-like exterior were incredibly intelligent and escaped the superhyperdrivethingimawhats into the dark void we call space ('Black Stuff' Quoted from the Hippi-Sapien Bible 6003AD)… Not having to breathe gave them the unfair advantage over the Sarcastoids that followed.
The Humzeeblawachs were unable to control themselves while in space, and so slowly spiralled into the Earth and met an incredibly foul fate as they re-entered the atmosphere.
The ship that the Humzeeblawachs escaped from, suffering from a lack of crew spiralled towards the Earth at an ever increasing speed, until it impacted the surfaces resulting in a catastrophic explosion, so powerful that it melted the Earth and all life was vaporised.
******When the Drazenflyte accelerates, it has to fit into a smaller moment in time, and the Drazenflyte has limited capabilities in this area.
*T refers to the average speed of time that a human travels at.
**A somewhat limiting aspect of being alive.
***A field that creates a temporal distortion in order to protect anything within the field from the effects of time.
****Unless you travel into the future and buy one of our later models.
*****URGH is the name given to it by someone who has seen it occur or has experienced it himself or herself.
******When the Drazenflyte accelerates, it has to fit into a smaller moment in time, and the Drazenflyte has limited capabilities in this area.