Parenthetic, Apathetic

(I should be doing something else right now,
Than living through the words
I inscribe on a page.

But busyness just makes me feel
Lethargic, and
Lethargy makes my brain
Spin
Off kilter.

It's snowing but all I wish for is rain,
And an end to the cold;
Just a warm refrain
Is all I pray for.
Though who I pray to,
I cannot say.
I lost my faith
Upon some yesterday.

Though perhaps this ice
Is psychosomatic,
And perhaps I'm too selfish,
Too melodramatic.

And I don't know if you can see,
But this avalanche is sweeping me
Upwards, not downwards,
Paradoxically.
And I fear there is no way down.

Well the top of a mountain is a lonely place,
A lonely tear upon a lonely face,
Because I'm both the winner and loser
In this lonely race.

And all I can rely on,
Is the promise of another day,
But I'm so sick of sunrise,
So tired of sunset,
And I just wanted to say:

I feel alone tonight.

And maybe that's wrong,
Or maybe it's alright,
Because I hardly know
Which way is up anymore,
Or how I'm still living
In the crossfire of war.

Sometimes the stories overwhelm me.
It is hard to live in the present,
When you don't understand the past.

Maybe that's my problem.
I care too much about what has happened,
And about what is going to happen.

But there are questions I need answers to,
And I need them before my time is through.

I fear I may never find them.

Too many years ago,
Everything fell apart,
And I remain to this day
Simultaneously okay
And not okay with that.

If I write a letter,
Will you reply?
If I tell the truth,
Will you lie?
And if I scream,
Will you hear?
Do you even care
At all, my dear?

Don't answer that;
It was unfair.
I know you do;
I know you're there.

But there isn't here.

Here is impossibly dark
And impossibly light,
Like the blackest day
And the brightest night.

I'm a pathetic paradox,
And this poem
Is mere parenthesis.)