WARNING! This story has been made due to a lack of sleep, stress, loss of innumerable unnamed body parts, and the false rotation of the Earth. In other words, this story has been made in a moment of madness. If you are offended by any of the previously stated items, then stop reading at this very moment. This story was made to completely insult your intelligence; if there is nothing to insult, then what's the point?
This is considered a parody so I can stealthily avoid getting sued for using copyright cereal names whose names have been dubiously changed.
I have no idea what 'dubiously' means.
ONCE UPON A TIME, there was a most beautiful princess with locks of gold. Ye and verily, thus wasn't a spelling error, but the truth. How, you ask? It was because she was most trapped in the tower with locks made of gold. Her hair, if you are curious, is made of protein. And colored brown. Seriously folks, let's get back on track.
Anywho, previously aforementioned hot princess was trapped high above in a pointy dark and probably-evil tower at the highest point of the dark and probably-evil castle, owned by a dark and probably-evil sorcerer with magic powers that are dark and most definitely-evil. So evil, in fact, that his magical powers can hurt you oh so very slightly or even leave a burn in some cases, some scientists argue.
It is however foretold that one day, a charming prince (or several ugly princes combined in an army) would come and defeat the dark and probably-evil sorcerer, slay his dark and probably-evil dragon that I forgot to mention, rescue the princess, marry her, rule the land, and have many spoiled children…
That tale, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with this one.
"Part of your daily balanced breakfast!"
Cereal I: The Totem Seal! A Cereal-Killer is born!
It was an average day for our nameless Main Character, both hero and protagonist of this – the Demon-O's story – who is an average student, living in an average neighborhood with an average life.
Getting up from his average bed, he scratched his average blonde head as he walked downstairs from his average bedroom in the average second floor of their average mansion to eat his average breakfast in their average kitchen.
Sitting on their clean and white kitchen table – which you must never forget is average – he noticed a handwritten note sitting precariously on the tabletop.
"I guess my parents (also average) already left," he murmured averagely, still half-asleep. Like most average rebellious teenagers, he was lazy and stupid and didn't want to go to school and didn't know the meaning of the word 'precarious'. He had no choice, however, as he was forced by an evil school overlord that didn't exist.
The Main Character then sighed and yawned his way sleepily towards the average cereal cabinet to get his everyday morning cereal, Alpha-Bricks – sugar-coated frosted sugar that are shaped like bricks made of sugar-coated sugar bricks.
Yawningly, he opened the cupboard – or cabinet, whichever you prefer – and...
And suddenly, A GIANT DEMON DOG MADE OF BRICKS MAGICALLY CAME OUT OF HIS CEREAL BOX AND ATTACKED HIM! GWARHGAHHASDHAHASHDHH!
"Holey dairy farm creamer!" he exclaimed as the ferocious demon-y version of 'Alfonso the Mail-dog', the cereal's mascot, tore through his kitchen with sharp fangs of brick.
"What A? Why the heck is the cereal mascot attacking me!? Where did it come from!? When am I ever going to eat my freaking cereal!?"
As the questions no doubt added up in his mind, our Main Character in the meanwhile did his best to avoid a rabid brick-induced death.
"It's A-B-C-Deathlicious!" the brick fiend growled as it chased him.
"Hey, that's the Alpha-Brick catchphrase," he noticed as he was nearly bitten by the rampaging sugarcoated evil. "Well, except for the 'death' part."
He ran all through the house, up and down the two floors and down again, not even thinking once that there are several doors that led outside his average mansion.
"Oh man, this is one dog day," he commented, sighing right after once he realized what he had said. "Gosh diggity darn it, I still have a nasty habit of making bad outdated puns when I'm in a near-death experience."
Running out of things to hide behind, our Main Character's desperate but ridiculous attempt at fleeing finally led him back to the ruined kitchen. With nowhere to run, he took a deep breath and tried to gather his last thoughts.
"Oh man, I'm about to become a nutritious part of this beast's breakfast. Well, I've always wanted to die a heroic death: eaten by a deranged evil cereal mascot that is part of a series of future evils that would rain upon the worl—"
"—What the heck am I saying!?" he suddenly interrupted. "Somebody help me!"
Suddenly, another beam of light came from the cereal cabinet/cupboard. I realize I did not mention that there was a beam of light before, and will correct this missing information right now. There was indeed a beam of light earlier.
From inside the cabinet, another cereal box glowed. From it, a strange voice spoke.
"Person from the Human Realm, I choose you to fight and defeat this cereal demon and protect the world. To do so, I will give you a weapon to reflect your inner strength!"
With these words, the beam of light moved towards him, transforming into a giant staff-like weapon that only seemed to emit endless power. He was stunned for a few moments, but for all the wrong reasons.
"…It's a giant plastic spoon."
"I stated that it would reflect what inner strength you have. Sadly, you are lame."
"Well, I am just an average rebellious teenager with a heart of gold," he retorted. "How the heck am I supposed to fight him with a giant spoon?"
"It was supposed to be a fork, but I guess I couldn't find enough inner strength for even that."
"What do you mean 'not enough inner strength'!?" he complained. "But I have a heart of gold and stuff!"
"To be honest, I can find more inner strength from rabbits. With them, at least the spoon will be metal instead of plastic. Sure wish I found some rabbits instead of you."
"What about puppies?"
"No, puppies are lame. Their lameness prevents inner strength from building up." (Puppies are awesome. –Ed.)
"Dang it!" he gulped as the deviled mail-dog got tired of their pointless conversation and finally decided to attack again. "Well, what the cow am I supposed to do? Spoon it to death?"
"Actually, that is impossible," the voice replied. "Spoon is not a verb, it is a noun. Now if you used a verb in conjunction or with relation to the spoon, then maybe—"
"DOES NOT CARE!" he exclaimed loudly as he turned to face the cereal mascot of death that was ominously charging towards him. "I'm already late for school. I might as well stay alive too!"
The Main Character closed his eyes and lifted his giant plastic gift from the heavens over his head. As if guided by some uncanny mystic force that can't be explained – a Deus ex machina, if you will – he now somehow knows exactly what he must do to win and survive against his breakfast-gone-wrong.
As if the plastic spoon had given him new strength (but was really just old strength coming back), he leapt into the air right above the demon mascot's brick-covered head.
"Eat this, brick fiend!" he exclaimed with all his might, gathering strength at his fingertips with the only weapons in the universe that can truly defeat the evils of the world: love and friendship. "Sugar, starch, wheat, and corn syrup… I call upon your delicious powers! Enemies of morning breakfast and evening breakfast, taste my wrath!"
"Finishing move – Umaryugyuha!" he shouted as he swung the plastic weapon downwards with all his pitiful strength, smashing it down on the demon brick-dog's head with all the force one could give with a giant plastic spoon.
Everyone is surprised as it actually works, bringing down the mascot where it eventually disintegrated into nothingness and crumbs.
The Main Character fell to the ground from exhaustion, a sigh of relief escaping his lips. "Whooh… My first battle against a real live devil cereal mascot… I can't believe that sentence actually made sense."
"Congratulations!" happily greeted the voice from inside the cereal cupboard/cabinet that granted him the magic spoon. With yet another beam of light, a little sliver of energy released from one of the cereal boxes, beaming out and finding its way in front of the Main Character. This new light then transformed into another familiar cereal mascot parody that you'll never get.
A round greenish bluish purplish fuzzy mascot materialized, surprising him since he didn't really own any other cereal brands (at the moment).
"Heeheehee! My name is Twikee, the cute little bunny! I hope we'll be friends!"
"You almost got me killed by making me fight a ravenous demonic cereal mascot with a defective weapon."
"Like I said, I hope we'll be friends!"
"What cereal did you come from?" he asked. "I don't know any cereals that have a… whatever the cow you are."
"That's because I'm from the cereal… in your heart!"
"In my… heart?" he gasped.
"No," Twikee nodded. "Everyone has a cereal in their heart. They just have to believe."
"Oh. Okay," he accepted (because he's a moron that way). "Um, so what are you anyway?"
"Stop that. It's too cute."
"Silly-nilly! I'm what you call a Totem!"
"A… Totem?" he asked with wondrous curiosity (which won't last because low attention span).
"That's right," Twikee nodded again. "All cereal mascots are actually Totems – kingdom spirits – that were sealed into your breakfast food by the earliest cereal makers."
"Why the heck would they do that!?"
"Apart from making the cereal more delicious and appealing, Totems are the guardians of departed food," Twikee explained. "During a course of time, the bond of the 'cereal seal' to the real world weakens and a 'Sealant' must be appointed to seal them back into the 'Seal-eal' boxes."
"A 'Sealant'? Isn't that like the glue stuff you use to patch roofs? And a 'seal-eal box'? So it's a pun on the word 'cereal'? Because it sucks."
"It's a pun, silly! It's supposed to be awful and cringe-inducing!" Twikee giggled adorably. "Now, nameless one, using my otherworldly abilities and the complete coincidence that you happened to be the closest available person at the time, I now appoint you as your planet's protector from all threats that are cereal-related."
"Main Character," Twikee continued, "you are now… the Sealant known as the 'Cereal-Killer'!"
He was stunned for a moment. "Do you make bad puns when you have near-death experiences too?"
CEREAL I END
NEXT CHAPTER: Daichi goes back to school, somewhat accepting the role of Cereal-Killer with Twikee as his typically loyal-companion-that-stays-on-the-sidelines-without-getting-hurt-but-you-don't-care-because-he's-so-cute-to-get-hurt-anyway-and-provides-partial-assistance-and-comic-relief. A wide array of new characters is introduced (two or three actually), and a new Totem reveals itself…
Sorry, no crappy bonus content this chapter! Please eat a well-balanced breakfast and go away!