On Twin Flames
Did you ever wonder if you'd ever meet someone who'd be like your twin in so many ways? Did it ever cross your mind that you'd meet someone so amazing and friendly that you instantly trusted them? Did it ever cross your mind that you'd have a friend that was so close that she was like a sister, daughter, or in my case mother to you? Did it ever cross your mind that you would feel so comfortable and yourself around them? Did it ever cross your mind that you would fear the strong bond of friendship and love (not romantic mind you) that you would want to run miles and miles away. I did, and this is my story.
I guess they always say that you meet your twin flame in the most unexpected places and during the most unusual circumstances and times. I met mine at a shelter in North East Indiana after her step dad did something to her to land her at the shelter. I remember it was dark out when she showed up. I remember she wore her black coat that night. I remember staring at her as if I had known her somewhere for she was so da—familiar that I couldn't stop staring at her. I remember hearing all sorts of peoples' hateful comments that apparently because I was staring at her and lots of other people that I was really bi. This irked me and made me very uncomfortable, so I blurted out my own comment right before the person let us back in from a smoke break (and no I don't smoke had just felt I wanted to socialize and that night I felt I needed to be out there with all those other people). I remember how too if my memory serves correctly that she activated the alarms, because she tried to let herself in or out without permission. I think this is how I began to notice her in the first place. I remember everything still even though I try so hard not to.
"Does everyone somehow know I sexted a chick and liked it." I remember practically screaming and blurting out for I felt everyone knew what I was trying to hide. The fact that I had felt anything all for another woman and the fact that I hated myself and still do for it these things I tell no one.
I remember she sat by me that night, and began talking to me. I didn't mind for my curiosity was beginning to get the better of me. For how could I feel that I knew this woman and found her familiar; when I know I had never met her in real life before?
"You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?" another client there had asked her and I also blurted out, "You also look familiar to me. But I know I have never met you in real life so how can this be?"
And then she looked me in the eyes with her green ones that seem so familiar again that I cannot gaze upon them so easily with the sheer familiarity they give off.
"No, I never met you before, but you do look kind of familiar. Maybe you knew me in a dream." She told me and I was like in my head, 'What do you like travel in dreams or something as in are you a dream walker?' But instead I said, "So you like visit people in dreams or something?" and she was like, "Not exactly I don't tell people this usually because I don't want people to think I am crazy. I can see auras and I can sometimes read minds and get things from people. An Indian woman I once knew taught me how to do this." She told me. And it was from that moment on that she began to tell me so much more. As I walked her back to the room and showed her how to use the code, and where OUR closet was; she told me something just as I was opening the door back out. What she told me caused my breath to hitch and so she had to open the door for me because I was stunned, stunned at how this strange woman knew this about me.
"I know you still kind of like girls. I sense that there is another woman, that you still have feelings for her, and perhaps even love her."
This scared me, because how could this woman even remotely have known about Caroline she didn't know me. Sure we had talked a bit before this encounter as I told her I was a Therian, and she told me that she believed also in vampires because one (a boy one) had bitten her during a sexy encounter. And she told me that by opening up to her that she began to sense things about me. That was how she knew about Caroline, and so we went somewhere private to talk which ultimately in that place was the library. It was there that I spilled my guts to her about Caroline, and it was there or rather the 'living room' where she spilled her guts about being an ex-lesbian and being scared of men because of something horrific and unspeakable a step dad did to her when she was about eight. It was in the library that I had cried and spilled my guts to her about Caroline, because I never wanted to feel so strongly about Caroline. And then having her tell me that sometimes it is hard to tell obsession from love, and that I had been obsessed over her beauty which had been true. After all her very laugh, face, and everything had been so beyond beautiful that I could not look away from Caroline. It is the reason that I had agreed to date Caroline in the first place, and it was not because I necessarily found her hot (her chest didn't bug me back then, but I still had liked guys better as always). Then she went on to tell me how there are many different kinds of unconditional love. Friendship, romantic, sexual, paternal, sibling like, the list goes on and on. She told me true love means caring about the other person unconditionally, and that you don't always 'know' fully when you love someone else be it as a lover or just an extremely close friend. People don't recognize the tall tell signs or even try to deny it.
This I still remember completely and with almost perfect detail along with two other significant things that she had told me. The first one being what I had asked her when we were in the room alone. I needed to know if there'd be another Caroline. Another woman I'd love or be obsessed with. Another woman in general that I'd be very close to, and here is what she replied to me that shocked me to death as she turned around and looked me into the eyes from her bed across the room.
"There will be another woman that you will trust absolutely and completely. In this very shelter, this very ROOM even; someone who will be such a close friend to you even."
I remember my breath literally hitching in my throat as my mind processed what she had just said. There were three other roommates in our room at the time, and I didn't trust any of those people like I had her. I remember my head literally spinning, feeling almost uncomfortable at her premonition because I could not LOVE another female, (not even as an extremely close non-romantic, I hope/ non- sexual friend, I also really, really hope) not after Caroline and not after that kind of pain, and I also remember the shock on her own face and her eyes that became as wide as mine. You'd think the psychic knew this the whole time, right? That she too felt strong friendship feelings for me as well, right? I guess not, because she seemed just as wierded and shocked out by it as I was. When I asked her if I would ever date another woman the answer was kind of different,
"No, because I see someone else out there for you, your own souls mate. I see a guy who will care for you so deeply that you'll forget all else. You'll tell him about Caroline and your dad in due time and he will accept you for it. That is why you are not meant to be with a woman and why you are no longer bi for you are meant to meet a guy leaving for the Navy as you enter it, and you are meant to marry him in four through five years time depending." This made me calm down for I did not want to love a female or be drawn to one sexually at all. I just want to like guys like most everyone else. Still later on as I was once again doing the code thingy on our room's door she said another thing which shocked me to no ends on Earth.
"I know you know about us, Abi,"
And the way she said it daunted and haunted me. For what did she mean by it? Did she imply that I was beginning to understand the strong friendship connection between the two of us? Or was it something else? But of course some strong bond was there and is still there, despite my fears of wondering if I am obsessed with her or not, and my fears of hurting HER of all people, and my fears of taking away her very happiness. I think this was the night I could not sleep or perhaps it was the night she told me about her, and these supposed strong friendship feelings of love I held/ hold for women. It was that night how I said upon waking that I didn't recall her ever stepping foot on my bed, despite it being against the rules, when the truth was I had remembered. I had remembered her climbing into my bed, complaining a little bit which woke me from my bad dream of her fainting on me, and I remember her speaking such soothing words to me and rubbing my shoulder and later back when I had switched positions on her. I remember it calming me so greatly that I no longer could stay awake so I feel back into such a deep sleep that I did not recall her moving back into her OWN bed. When I awoke it was as if nothing had happened, but then she told me that she had slept in my bed and I scolded her for it because I feared she would get in trouble for it.
Later on we got in our first argument over me following her around everywhere, for fear of her fainting mind you, and her commit hurt me deeply when all I had done was say her shirt looked nice. And she said she didn't want me to be anywhere nears her that day. That was the first time I remember pain at the potential separation of my sister, my twin, my flame. I blamed her for it that day mind you it wasn't until later that I started hating myself for making her uncomfortable and causing her pain.
It had been maybe two or three days after she left, and I called her on her blue phone because I was worried about her and worried she no longer wanted to be friends. Again it is such an odd fear around her that she doesn't feel the same way and hates me or something, and I wonder if this fear is normal for twin flames. She didn't say much of anything to me, and just seemed annoyed of me for some reason. She claimed she wanted to call me later, but it had been getting late. I asked her if she wanted to hang out somewhere on a Sunday, and she said yeah. But the next day she never called around six like I told her to, and so I told my parents to call her to ask why she didn't want to talk and why her blue phone wasn't working. I spent a LONG time crying at what my parents said she'd said, "That one I made her LITERALLY uncomfortable and had HURT her (again can never forgive myself for that) by following her, that her blue phone was for emergencies only, that she thought I was obsessed with her, and that she had a life outside of the shelter. I threw a fit being angry at her at first for not telling me I had made her uncomfortable, then anger at myself for causing her pain, and anger at myself for making a mistake at meps, anger at myself for being so da—obsessive, and anger at myself once again for Caroline. And feeling that her not talking to me was punishment for Caroline as long as the 14 year old kid who was obsessed with me was punishment as well for Caroline.
Now I do not know if Tink feels the same way, whether or not I am making her uncomfortable, whether or not it is obsession or not, whether or not I'll see her in person again during this life, whether or not I'll hear her voice again, and lastly whether or not we'll still remain best friends. All I do know is that I DO care about her, do wish her the best, that I do want her to be happy and have a husband, kids, and other friends, and that I just hate this pain of not being near her. As the hours went by did she miss me more, as the days went by did she miss me more, does she still miss me or what? She said we'd always be there for each other, and I'd love this to be true. So now what? I wanted answers, but did not like the answers I was given. I wanted to meet a psychic, but not during such unexpected circumstances. I wanted to meet a friend, and be close like sisters. I cannot read her mind like she can mine, so she'd have to tell me everything herself. After the entire key to friendship as in all things is communication and caring for the other as much as you do yourself. Maybe I'll never see her again, maybe I will, but whatever the case everything happens for a reason. I guess the truth is she never felt anything at all, and denies ever saying anything at all to me. So now I am without her, without a dad, and without a boyfriend. I am broken, crazy, delusional, insane, and she is gone. Forever gone. I told her I knew she wouldn't call that one day she'd deem me crazy. She said, "How could I do that? You're not crazy."
But at that time she hadn't known my insecurities, hadn't known my mind would think her to be willing to hurt me somehow. Didn't realize my mind dubbed myself unworthy of love, and she didn't know the confusion a simple hug could bring. She used to be my light in a world of darkness, but now the darkness is back, smothering me. Its worse than before, and I feel its all MY fault everything has happened. If it wasn't for one stupid act my freshman year my dad would still be here with me and my dad only, my sister would have never had to leave cheerleeding behind, my mom would not have quit her job, my dad wouldn't have continued to use me, I wouldn't have bicurious, and I wouldn't have ever liked women cause once you go gay you can never go back... Everything is MY fault. Its MY fault Tiff fainted in the first place that day, its MY fault her and her husband are probally fighting right now, its MY fault I ever got close to her, and its MY fault I ever creeped her out. Tiff forgot the last thing I told her would happen, and thats the only thing to bring me out of this never ending darkness. Two years ago we both attempted it, but I wasn't able to then. It was my 'love'-not gay love mind you- for my ex-best friend that had kept me alive. But now I have nothing; absolutly nothing. I have no life, no begining, no end, nothing... as she doesn't call people crazy lightly. I never meant to get so close, but most of all I never meant to lie or to hurt you. It was all me, Tiffany. All me, and never you. I told you the truth of the end of that dream. You told me your thoughts, and about Cathy Burns. I wish I could have trusted you, and that you weren't such a psychobit-ch half the time. Wish I wasn't crazy. Wish I hadn't of cried on your shoulder. Wish you hadn't have told me about Alex and Angela. Wish you hadn't have told me your favorite food, your least favorite food, and your favorite colors. Wish you never happened. But it doesn't change a thing...sorry we ever met. But sorry and wishing don't change a thing.
You arn't Caroline, I am no longer in love with Caroline. The truth is I NEVER cared about Caroline...but I cared about you. I played along with you with the vampire thing. It was fun. I laughed, you laughed. We each had nice laughs. But it wasn't your laugh that drew me to you it was your scent. It was unidentifiable. Sweet, tangy, intoxicating, but I didn't like women so it didn't make me think THAT thank God and the great Mother. It was you who drew me in so much I couldn't let go. But how can I ever go on knowing you are still out there? How can I when you could be dead or alive? How can I when I knew your family? How can I when everythin fg has come undone? How can I when... and this won't nmatter will it? Its not like you'll ever go back to Oranum will you? Its not like you'll randomly click on this, will you? Nope but its not like you ever wondered if I was dead or alive. Nope the only thing you wanted to know seemed to be if I was crazy or sane. Sadly I am crazy, deppressed, and crazy... First Caroline, then you, wonder who was worse? At least Caroline never called me crazy to my face or said words she didn't mean...
Twin flames can be your best friend, mother, daughter, sister, father, son, etc. But one thing remains it is a strong bond felt by both. A bond of unconditional love, just not necessarily romantic or sexual, unless they are both gay and it is a same-sex twin flame duo. Twin flames can sometimes each feel pain and longing during the separation periods, and sometimes they can sense emotions of the other or when they are in danger. Twin flames are there to learn about the world and learn to help it whether by spreading the word of the supernatural around or cleansing the world and making the environment a better place. Twin flames separate to learn things about themselves they might not learn together as a pair. Twin flames answer each other's questions about the universe whether by words or actions. But most of all the bond between the two is strong, and can be felt by anyone in the room. The pain during separation is also strong and most meet when circumstances do not allow them to be together for long. It is the sad truth about twin flames, but it is a reality nonetheless. If you have met yours consider yourself blessed, and if yours is a runner (one who runs from the connection due to his/her past lives and past experiences or because he/she is scared of the intensity of the bond- be patient.) Chances are if you are their true twin flame they will come back to you in time. Just be patient and it 'll happen. And that concludes my thoughts on twin flames and my own that I just HAD to get out of my head for once.