Prologue

In this story, I'll write my feelings down in this cold, white sheet. The simplest till the strangest feeling that exist, run all the world. Is like we don't have any control over them, but still we are their owner. Good and bad, right and wrong, left and right, hot and cold, shyness and desire, simple and ambitious, up and down, life and death. All this comparisons that can make our life easy or difficult. But always, we feel both ways. Again, there are different feelings, so that makes it more funny. You can't expect which will pounce. And which can make you feel strong, even thought you are weak.


Silver Tears of Sadness

Have you ever cried all night long till the first lights of the morning gently approached toward your prison's little window? Have you ever felt pain of losing something that you never thought of disappearing in thin air? Well this thing you are reading right now is written with sadness and pain that flocks in your throat and leave you without breath. The pain that kills and the sorrow that scares, the weaknesses we, as humans have. We can't escape our cruel fate of dying, but more painful is that we cannot escape the pain of watching someone close to us die. Or even seeing someone we hold dear, starting to created a large gap between us. Breaking down in one million pieces and not being able to recreate ourselves, just because of the mere thought that you cannot create something out of nothing. The tears you shed became cold blocks of ice in the bottom of a Coca Cola glass. This turns the hot summer in an infinite winter of snow. Do you think, if the snow kept falling, will it cover this sadness of mine and by passing time it will melt in the beginning of a new summer? But what if I can't melt the snow, will I become the icy snow queen? Will I forget every warm feeling and be left with the agony of not wanting to be hurt again? If you say yes, than you should be the type which cries only when s/he is alone, but where will you go if you don't let anyone see those tears? The bitter truth is that you can't run away from this cruel truth. What if the moment come when someone sees through your eyes? Then you'll be scared to death to fate the reality in front of you. Cowardly running away from something that you clearly know, but don't want to accept because is too painful. What about us which have accepted it, weren't we scared too, but how come we are just fine now? Just because no one seems to hear your hidden cries, and no one seems to reach a warm hand out for you to grab onto it, it doesn't mean you can escape. You are left to face yourself alone, the image reflect in the crystal of the beauty mirror inside your eyes. But I can't speak for myself. I am the one who is good to manipulate words, and I'm pretty good at what I do. Don't you think so to? I'm doing the same thing right now, but the only thing different is that I don't want to escape anymore. I'm sick and tired of this game of destine like I am a simple solder. No one has ever helped me, because they pitied me. They thought I lost something, that I didn't even have to begin with. And here I was thinking that was a good think, I didn't lose anything. But the many who lost it, they had something to hold dear, I… I didn't have anything, just an empty shell. So was I really lucky? You think you are in pain because you lost something. Please, look around you. Listen through me! I can hear you in a whisper, but you cannot even hear me screaming. I was so afraid, but I just didn't want to admit that even I could be afraid. I lost something that didn't even belong to me. The only thing left now is my life, the only thing that can love me is I. I wanted to became all the thing I wanted to be. This pain that even the ones close to me have never seen, I'm writing here so that one day they will understand even without me spelling a letter. I can't be saved because I have already accepted it in my heart, which is now throbbing from the sudden hard pains. I have been always left alone, just for the fact that I was stronger than the normal. The truth that is still blurred like a veil of silver mist in front of my eyes. Oh, I see. The silver mist are my tears falling. Perhaps, am I crying? But I haven't realized it till now. When did I start feeling like this? What's this feeling, it tastes like regret? Am I regretting something, WHAT? I can't be regretting now, is not even the end of the life. IS JUST THE BEGGINIG, so why are you making me regret? What do you want to tell me? You want me to tell the truth? I DON'T WANT THIS! I can and I will reject all the world if it is needed. THE TRUTH, again? I'm not strong, I can't even make the balance of my thoughts and reality. I think I'll go mad one of this days. Ah, I can't even do that. I didn't have anything, so I can't be gone now. I have to find that something that I will do anything to protect. I still have TIME. Just a little more, I can continue with this burden in my shoulders, better with this feeling of living a life in my shoulders. My silver tears, so fragile, will become hard steel that I can support my feet with. This pain makes me remember, makes me wanting to forget, makes me happy, makes me scar, and even makes me regret. But never, NEVER makes me wanting to give off my life. Is hard, I can understand the burden of your secret, those that you have to walk with everyday. I know it. But whatever your pain is fight it head on, not half-assed because you will never truly escape with only that.

Ha, with all this sadness I want to say something funny. Now you are reading this and regretting, and me thinking that would be great if you don't regret just because you read this. How come you, you truly feel pain? That's good but not regret. Just cancel that word from your vocabulary. But I'm sorry for your pain. You want to hide it just like I was doing and still am doing, but that isn't for the best. That will leave so much scars on you that won't ever heal again. I want to live, but I truly want to disappear too. So I'm going to try to do both things, till the day of my total disappearance.


You know what I regretted most, or even why I said I regretted? Well no, how can you possibly know when just a minute ago I said that I didn't knew it myself? But at least did you thought about this kind of question? Well, to put it in simple words, it is just that when you are in pain, you reflect about what you did and didn't, that's the most hard part. Your brain just start reflecting on its own, that can make you confuse in some cases. It's like sleeping in a bed of thorn roses. The smell is nice, the color too, but the thorns make you hurt and bleed, and whatever color the roses had, now they are tainted in a horrifying dark red. I feel like this sometimes, when I think I'm empty and when I'm losing something that I can't even fight for, that I am not supposed to fight, no better that I, myself don't want to fight for. Again, want to know what a person like me, empty, can regret about? Said more well, what I regret about? I regret having this emptiness in my heart. When I was younger I didn't really bother thinking because the thing of the thing I lost, I wanted to shatter it myself, it was the monster under my bed that slept with me every night and waked at the first lights of the new day. Others have the thing I lost in a large number, but others don't even know it or were treated in a worst way that I was treated. Anyway this isn't what I regret exactly, I regret that for some reasons I now give the fault to myself even thought I perfectly now that I couldn't do anything. I was a child and still my eyes were filled with terror, I saw things I wasn't supposed to see, and what did I do? I just forgot, I closed a part of my heart and threw it away somewhere safe. I never looked at the person beside me, she was the one really hurt and I just egoistically run away and never faced it face to face. Yes, I haven't lost her yet, but it's to late now. My lies and my running have filled her heart with hatred and I can't do anything else but wait beside her and loosen the hatred with affection till one day she will say it was a bad dream and never think about it again. It's impossible, why did I noticed so late, why couldn't I open my eyes sooner? Is this regret of mine just something about time and cowardice? If I could say that I am sorry, will I be forgiven? That I don't know, and truthfully I'm not scared about the answer, I am mostly scared of the look that she will make, the same look the I didn't have the courage to see then. Has anything change since then? Even if something had changed, that little child is still playing around inside me. The child that hurt her, has still to notice that kind of sorrow, but the selfish me don't want to destroy that pureness with my own hands. I want to smile even for a short period of time. I WANT to cry my heart out too. But more of all I want this kind of hurt and hatred disappeared from her soul and body, then I'll be in peace. It won't hurt anymore. Ah even now I think these words means that I only want to loosen my own scares. Truly I care for her more so even if I sounded like that I will still keep going, even if it IS selfish, I know now I can do it. I want to protect her with all my being till the day that I will leave. I will cause more pain the future, but still she won't hate me. That's something reassuring that I hold, let me tell you. SHE IS THE ONLY THING I HOLD DEAR IN MY HEART. The only thing I have ever cared since I was reborn that day of sorrow. Her slaps awakened me, and the scar she left in my face, was there to remind me of what I had done and what will I do. That scar told me that even thought all that hatred, her love for me was still there. I had forgotten the most important thing to me, and now to recuperate that love I cry every night, and at the mornings I wake her up by saying how much I love her, my precious m… ha, but I'm somewhat pathetic because even after my pure silver tears and the warmth of those words, she laughs at me and I doubt that she truly is believing me, and again another thing happens and I come back from hell to earth to pay for my sins. See, someone as young as I am regrets, imagine you who should be some years older than me, or you may had the peaceful and ordinary life of always. But the pain isn't gone yet and the silver tears of sadness will stay as my friends for some time more. Ah, one more thing, don't pity me, because from what has happened to me I see the world in a best view than you, so don't worry for me, or for you! I'll help, so good luck in handling your own tears!