When I was young I knew everything.

It was warm that day. In the meadow behind that house where you used to live. I remember running outside and spinning in circles as the rain fell down.

I remember jumping off the rope into the river. I remember the fire in your eyes as you flew through the air. You told me you didn't think you were meant to be human.

We built a house up in a tree in your backyard. We grew up together playing games, laughing and toying with imaginary things. You told me when we were all grown that we could live there just the two of us; making friends with the birds and bees. You said that you would be mine and I would be yours and we would live together in that tree in your backyard.

My first kiss was with you in that tree. I said you made me feel free. You replied, "That's how life's supposed to be."

Years went by and nothing changed and we played together everyday and sat next to each other in class and you would never fail to laugh, in that bird-like way, when I got the answer wrong. Remember walking home from school when a group of girls walked by and called me gay? You stood up for me and held my hand and my cheeks turned red when you said I was your boyfriend.

They left us alone but I didn't want you to let go.

In middle school I smiled when other boys asked you on dates. I pretended that I didn't hope that maybe you were mine and I was yours and we would still grow old together in that tree in your backyard.

Summer after eighth grade year your mom fell sick and I can't remember a worse feeling than seeing you crouched over her crying. I tried to say that it would be okay but you told me you knew I was lying. I tried to ask you outside to play and you looked at me with those fiery eyes and told me to grow up.

That winter the light left your eyes.

The funeral was cold and still and I cried when I saw the casket being buried. I stood next to you and you next to me and I felt alone even in your company. The next time I saw you it was school again. I smiled at you and you smiled at me but the smile wasn't in your eyes as I knew it should be.

You were different then. Your heart was hollow and language fowl and you started to talk to boys and I was jealous and hurt but I tried not to show it because you were right and I couldn't let you know that I never stopped hoping that you were mine and I was yours and we would grow old together in that tree in your backyard.

We grew older and the days grew shorter, winters colder and summers hazier. The stench of cigarettes clung to us and we stashed beer bottles in the tree house, where we knew our parents would never look. Near a year from that fateful day you took me up the ladder and with a bottle of gin clasped in your fingers and makeup running down your face you kissed me like you'd never kissed before. You asked me a question I'll never forget and I wish that I could go back in time to answer you.

Do you love me, is what you asked, a question I knew the answer to so well. I froze and looked into your eyes and could not find fast enough my reply and screamed inside my head I do! I always have and never won't and get butterflies from just being this close. The time passed by and I could not speak and since that day you held away and what can I say?

We were merely freshmen.

The night that Billy Thewik asked you to the dance I cried, and when I found out you left early and got into his car and when I heard everybody talking about how you fucked him I went home and cried harder until I felt as though I spilled out my soul with my tears.

At night I dreamed I told you that I loved you more than anybody had. Under the sun we talked and our eyes never met and you wore long sleeve shirts and short skirts like you had something to hide. Once I heard our classmates talking about hearing yells from your house at night and it pained me to realize you flinched when your shoulders were brushed.

I heard you crying in the bathroom once and ignoring the signs I entered. Your shirt was off and you told me to leave but not before I saw the purple bruises and lumps that lined your arms and I knew that he had done this to you and I told you later not to go back home but you said that would make him angry and I asked if I could go over that night but you said that would make Billy angry and then you smiled at me with a silent plead and said I have to go and left me staring at your figure fading away.

Days and weeks and months passed by and you would not speak to me. I faded in and out of life and sometimes I wondered whether you remembered the days where you were mine and I was yours and we would grow up together in that tree in your backyard.

I met a girl my junior year who smoked cigarettes and played guitar. She was sad and I was sad and everyone knows how misery loves its company. I lost my virginity to her after a couple of weeks to a song by The Verve that reminds me of you.

You called me when I was with her, you know? I hadn't seen your face in weeks- all summer- until it appeared on my phone. I'll never forget your voice when I answered and I could smell the liquor through the phone. You were in tears and you laughed and said it was nice to hear my voice at the end of the world.

My heart fell into my stomach and I ran from the room and you were with me on the phone the whole time and I screamed at you don't fall asleep and I begged you to keep talking to me and I drove 90 down the quiet streets and didn't give a shit or even think of anything aside from you.

You were waiting for me in the tree with a smile plastered on your face and a bottle of gin in your hand. Your makeup did not run down your face for you weren't wearing any, and you were naked except for your bra. Your cuts and bruises shone in the moonlight seeping in through the window, wet with gin and blood and tears. You made it, you said.

I cried now at the sight of the empty bottle of Valium on the floor. I held you to my chest and ran my fingers down your hair and you began to say I'm sorry but I cut you off by pressing my lips to yours and I kissed you like I meant it. Cause I meant it. Pulling away, I love you. I always have and never won't, I love you more than- and yu kissed me again and I held your hand to stop it from shaking and I held it until it stopped. I felt your chest rise and fall until it never rose again.

Now I'm guilt-stricken, sobbing, with my head on the floor.

I don't remember leaving you but I remember stumbling inside in the dead of the night and being pulled to the cabinet above my parent's bed. They were gone for the weekend and left me alone and I didn't look back for one last glance of my home, with a gun in my hand I've never felt more in control of my life. I wondered briefly what would happen to the sad girl who smoked cigarettes and played guitar and I wondered what my parents would think but I didn't care very much because I knew what my life would be if I left you alone.

I won't be held responsible.

Climbing up the tree once more and now it's pointed at my temple and tears stream down my face while I reminisce one last time of days spent in this place before. I light another cigarette and drag so deep, such as one's last drag should be. I reach towards your fingers with it dangling from my mouth, the gun still in my hand and once more I look upon your beauty and I shoot.

I feel myself fall to the floor in slow motion, fingers still brushing against yours. I blink blurry images in my mind and I think distant memories of a nonexistent world. I smile and blood spills from my mouth and you are mine and I am yours and we're together forever in this tree in your backyard.

I fell in love in the first place.


This is a really short, one-sitter story so I realize that it's not written extremely well. The lack of punctuation and use of run-on sentences was intentional. (I figured I'd say that before someone reviews this and tells me I'm supposed to put quotation marks around dialogue lol)

The italicized words are lyrics from the song "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe- an extremely beautiful song I recommend you all listen to at some point.

Reviews are much appreciated.