Black and White
"I'm breaking up with you." He said.
"What?" I asked.
Graduation. Supposedly the best day of my life. The day I had waited for too long. And he was breaking up with me.
"I just can't...be with you. I need a girl less complicated. Someone who isn't broken beyond repair. You are not that person." He said.
I hung my head. "Broken beyond repair." I echoed his words.
"I'm sorry." He apologized.
"Fuck you. Fuck this place." I breathed.
I wasn't mad. I wasn't sad. I was broken. I knew that. He knew that. This was something I tried to fight. Obviously I didn't do a good enough job.
I stood up and turned around. His words stopped me.
"I do love you, Jay. I just can't hold myself up with you. But I do love you." He whispered.
I breathed in deeply and let it out with my words. "I don't know if I love you. I never know."
I never know how I feel. I wasn't even sure if what I felt was love. I have never been able to distinguish these feelings. Maybe I was broken beyond repair.
There were no more words. I just walked away. He let me.
At my house, I sat on the front steps. My things were already in boxes. I was getting out of here as soon as possible. I wanted out. I had wanted that for a very long time.
I waited until her car pulled up. She smiled at me. The gesture were small and sincere. She climbed out of her cherry red car and slammed her door shut.
She walked towards me and leaned against the pillar at my left.
"I heard." She said.
I knew what she meant. Nothing stays secret in this town. By now everyone must know that we broke up. They were probably all thinking that it had to happen. I wasn't the happiest, most normal person.
I nodded. "Yeah."
"You graduated." She said, a bit more enthusiastic.
"Don't I know it?" I smiled up at her.
"Let's go shop for an outfit before we pile your things in your truck and take off for Seattle. I still can't believe you're moving there." She said as she grabbed my hand pulled me up.
"You are moving there too, Ellie." I pointed out.
"Oh, I know, but everyone in my family always moved out of this town. Except for Grandma; the reason we moved here in the first place." She said. "You are the first in your family to leave this gloomy little town."
"And I can't wait." I said.
At the mall we got our fitted outfits for a rather long road trip and for a few more necessities.
We walked to the parking lot, but Ellie stopped me.
"Pose for the photo." She said as she held up her camera to her face.
I laid my shoulders a bit backwards and put my hands into the back pockets of my black denim shorts.
I couldn't smile. I found it too hard. I was too consumed within the emotions that threatened to throw me overboard.
She clicked a button and the flash went off. It was an old camera. Her grandmothers. One of those that immediatly developed and printed the photo with the thick white frame.
She looked at the picture. "Black and white." She commented.
She showed me the picture. It was all black and white. My dark ink hair piled onto my head, my skin white as porcelain, a loose white shirt tucked into my black denim shorts. All this against the white wall background.
I did look broken. Pretty and broken. I gave a small smile. But that's me.
I smiled at Ellie, my best friend.
"I'm finally free."
No, I wasn't.