okay so the reason i havnt updated for awhile is because ive been pretty damn busy! that and my lazy ass wasn't motivated enough to actually get to school which is the only place I actually have access to a computer! I may or may not be able to update for a while because school will be out for summer within a week or so...but I shall find a way! So...on with teh story! (i meant to spell 'the' wrong!) Well that and many other circumstances have kept me from doing so. Today's date is uhm.. May 15, 2013 ^-^ just so as not to confuse you and so you can follow along with my updates and stories and whatnot :)

Sincerely,

LookingGlass606


So many things have changed I guess...Chase is leaving for Minnesota...and I'll be here alone. If only for a week. My mother wants me to go live with her... coincidentally? In Minnesota. The thing is that Chase will be in St. Paul and I'll be in Minneapolis. Which (so he tells me) is only 30 minutes away from each other. All my friends are here in Sucks Dakota but...I want to explore you know? That's the thing that worries me though.

I've never EVER lived with my mother before. So to me it's going to be like a whole other world for fuck sake! Also the possibility of me being pregnant is getting more plausible. I'll probably have to take a fucking pee test to either dissuage or confirm my fears. Even if I am Chase is overjoyed at the fact that if I am? He's going to be a father. He told last time he got a girl pregnant the baby died on the 2nd day. Every girl he's ever knocked up tends to have a miscarriage as well.

So if I do end up with child...he's afraid that I'll have a miscarriage or the baby will die or something just as bad. The thing is though is that I'm incredibly lucky. One time I was on my way walking home and outta nowhere I found a 50 dollar bill laying on the side of the road. So something tells me if I have a child...it won't die. I've seen how to take care of new born babies.

Hell! I've had to take care of new born babies all the time when I was younger! So I know how to raise a child. Well enough about that. So the other day I (yet again) messaged my mother on Facebook hoping that she'd reply.

Then? Suddenly one day..she did. She told me to call her. I sat there for an hour at the gym wondering whether or not if I should call her...I did after the goading of my cousin Lauren. Did I already tell you that she and I are once again friends? Well we are. Girl world confuses the hell outta me! It's incredibly odd.

I also made a new friend name Brian. He's practically the only guy I've met who has an actual brain and intelligence to have an interesting conversation. I've also finally gotten the number of my friend Sharona. It's crazy she has five girls and a new born baby!

I got to hold her just yesterday! She was sooo tiny and CUTE! Her name's Eden! Idk when I held her in my arms I kept thinking over and over "I want a baby!". I guess it's normal for all of us girls to have that maternal need kick in right?

Well anyways so I held her baby and she said, "It's weird baby Eden never lets anyone bounce her around and hold her like that without crying." I grinned feeling incredibly special and loved. I'd told Sharona of the possibility that I may have been pregnant and as she watched me hold her baby she grinned at me and said, "You'd make a great mother."

I had to go back to Lauren's house afterwards as I saw Chase and he smiled. Also I got a new puppy! Her name is Resin. You know like the stuff left over in a pipe after you smoke weed? Yeah that. She's got black fur and I think she's a shitzu? Well just yesterday she followed me everywhere and I had to cut this shoe string from around her neck. Some one tried to hang the poor girl!

I couldn't bring myself to leave her to go to school! She looked so sad but I had to. Also I've just gotten back from le hospital. See about a week ago I was suffering some serious pain in my lower back.

So I took some of my pain killers and the pain subsided. So I shrugged it off. The next day the pain came back even worse and I took MORE pain killers to rid the pain. I then figured it was just something that would go away. y the third day, however, things went from meh to really bad. I mean I couldn't even drink water without puking it back up! So this entire day I'm writhing in pain, crying, puking, and screaming. When I finally fall into a fitful sleep out of exhaustion. I woke up about four hours later feeling much better.

I thought I'd gotten rid of the fever that I'd had by sleeping it off. Until... the fourth day when things went from really bad? To the worst. I woke up and was freaking hit with this wall of pain and the puking was even worse. So I finally called father dearest. I didn't want to but the douchepacker was the only one on my hospital list thingy who could legally take me.

So then after he took me the doctors checked up on me and I was a literally a bit like death warmed over man. They took my temp which turned out to be one hundred and three degrees! I was literally delirious with fever for christ sake! What made me feel smug about me actually being sick though. Was the fact that my father kept asking me if I was on drugs and if I'd gotten a "bad batch".

So I knew he felt like a complete asshole for assuming the worst of me. Then they drew my blood. 20 minutes later? I'm getting an IV shoved into my arm whilst the doctor tells me my dehydration levels are too low and since I can't hold anything down? They're going to have to give me an IV to fill my veins with the right fluids. Well needless to say?

I'm still in pain! But the other news I found out while in the hospital is that I'm a mother to be. Ironically enough? I found out this shit a day before mother's day! I have no idea how I'm to go about this. I had no choice but to tell my father and after ten minutes of breathing and sighing in (faked) stress he says, "I'm not taking care of no kids when this baby is born." He looked at me and then said, "Well who's the father." I was lying on the hospital bed completely pissed that my father thought I was incapable of taking care of a child.

I wasn't him! I mean I've spent my entire life having to raise myself since I was six and here he is thinking he's fucking father of the year just for bringing me to the goddamn hospital!? No fucking way was I going to let this dick of a sperm donor bait me into a pointless arguement. "Why would I want to tell you dad when I don't want you keeping tabs on me. I'm not stupid. You say you're not but I know you are! And what does it matter who the father is!? You don't needa' know! 'Sides I'm going to Minnesota in a couple of days to go live with mom."

He quirked an eyebrow at me. "So in other words you don't know who the father is? And since when did you have a mom?" I let out a growl of anger, "I knew perfectly fucking well who the father is! I'm just not telling you because you're not in my life! And you act like you were the best parent to grow up to! Just because we grew up in the same house doesn't mean you raised me! Mom wasn't around doesn't mean she was a bad parent." I looked away. I was stuck in this room with this asshole! UGH! That's when the doctor came in and told me I was staying the night.

They loaded my veins with medicine and I felt the anger I had pass within 15 minutes. "He's not going to want you now. Whoever the father is he won't want to be around you no more... No one's gonna' want you."

I laid there on the bed waiting for the doctors to come in just so he could shut up. If it wasn't for the medication? I'd probably be crying right now just because of the shit my father says to me all the time. It was true that my father never really bothered to be there for me. If anything my father treated my brother more like a human being than me. So I was transferred to a room and thus this is the conversation said between me and father dearest, "So what are you gonna' do now that you're knocked up?" "Why do you needa know!? Like I said I'm going to Minnesota so I can get away from you."

I didn't even bother to look at him anymore. "Ew gross having sex! Well now you can't have sex now. You're going to get all fat and ugly." "If all you're going to do is say shit to piss me of then I think you should either shut the hell up or get the hell outta' here." I growled angrily. Ten minutes later he got up, brought my backpack in, and left the hospital. The next three days? He never called or came to visit. I didn't expect him to either. While leaving he'd told me he was done with me and that he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby after this. I should've felt sad right?

I didn't. I wished I actually felt love for my father but I think all those years it wasn't love for my father but the need and want to make my father proud of me. Which never happened. So? I gave up...I'm living my life the way I want to now. The whole 'being pregnant' thing just kind of...puts those plans on hold...or changes them. Either way they're still there. So now that I'm out of the hospital I'm back at school...I mean I've got to spend as much time as I can with my friends around here before I leave...which is in two days since I still have the rest of today to go through.

So basically I don't know how far along I am in my pregnancy? I'm guesstimating about three weeks maybe. Everytime I think of myself being pregnant a picture of the chick Juno pops into my head. You know the movie? The one with the awesome chick with a crazy sense of humor and ways of life? I love that movie. Ellen Page is basically my favorite actress. Well it's pretty much a tie between her and Emma Stone.

Well yeah, so this pregnancy thing is still kind of mind fucking me. I mean in about nine months! I'm going to get huge and I'm going to have to buy baby clothes, pampers, formula etc. I'm not really worried about the whole 'giving up a life' to begin with anyways because I pretty much have no life and I won't really have many friends to hang out with in Minnesota anyways. I already know how to take care of newborn babies as well. I mean I've practically raised three of 'em up to the age of 2-4 years old myself!

The cool thing is that my mother's in complete support of this whole thing. She's not happy about it but she's making the best out of it. She's mostly proud of the fact that I waited 'till I was 17 to become pregnant. I know that sounds fucked up but the thing around the reservation is that most of the girls my age are already either been pregnant or are pregnant.

I think there's a couple girls who already have like 2 or 3 kids and are my age. The one good thing about me experiencing my kidney pain is that I can finally quit smoking cigarettes! I mean I tried before but I just couldn't. Now I actually have the motivation to try. Especially since that's how I got my kidney infection! It also seems...different with Chase now.

Things are more...strained I guess. His aunt keeps bitching him out about the smallest things and even over the shit he didn't even do! I'm leaving for Minnesota Friday but now things don't seem to be so solid for Chase. His dad's suppose to be helping him with going back. If anything? I'm going to talk to him today and if his father can't send Chase a bus ticket? Then I'm going to see if I can't beg my mother into sending another one down for Chase.

So of course Chase is happy that I'm pregnant but he's been mostly stressed out about his aunt's overbearing bitchiness. I got paid my last pay check from work and I tried to save the money but...I just had to buy new shoes and new clothes! I mean it's fucking hot out! I needed summer clothes ya' know? I had thirty dollars but Lauren's little shit of a brother Rence stole it while I was sleeping.

I honestly don't know how many people Lauren's told about my pregnancy but I do know one thing...word gets around the reservation fast. It's like you don't tell a single soul about a damn thing and yet? They come up to you like five fucking minutes later and ask you if what they heard is true and you're standing there like "The fuck!?" wondering how the shit you kept private got around ya' know?

I'm a bit worried but oh well...two more days and I'll be gone from this shit hole forever! Goodbye SUCKS DAKOTA! Well I've pretty much told all I can haven't I? By the way I may have a lot more to tell you since I may be a bit busy...you know...Minnesota and all?