Love is a tricky thing, nothing short of complicated. Many people fantasize about love, myself included. But not many know that sometimes, love hurts.
I watched as my best friend, well, my only friend, really, fell head over heels for some guy I've never had the pleasure to meet. She seemed hypnotized by his words, which she would continuously describe as "sweet." I could easily tell that her love for him was genuine and deep, and I saw how happy she was, how her eyes seemed to sparkle at the mere mention of her boyfriend. I was happy for her, of course, but I hated myself for being so. She was my only friend, she was my family. I 've always had feelings for her, but now, when I see those eyes sparkle like how they do, I can't bring myself to tell her how I really feel about her, about us. So, I kept quiet and let her be happy while I silently suffered.
From there, we kind of just started to grow apart…there were many days where I found myself alone and down, enough days to make up not but four months. In those months, in that excruciatingly long time that I was alone, I spent most of the days hating myself for how cowardly I was, and spent the nights depressed and cold.
Now, I suddenly find myself standing in front of her bedroom door. Even with the door between us, I can hear her sobbing. Love is beautiful, but she fell all too quickly, and when she hit the cold concrete rather than love's warm embrace, she hit hard as her "love" discarded her. Now, I can't be depressed, I just can't. She needs me now.
But, as I stand here, I feel so powerless…she is just on the other side of the door and all I need to do is reach out and grab the handle, but, I can't. Coming this far, I'm too nervous to continue…
I must have stood there for ten minutes or so, just gathering myself, gathering my courage. I took a deep breath, ready to go on, but as I reached for the door handle, it started to turn and her door opened. The door opened, and I could finally see her, just standing there, surprised at seeing me. She looked up, now, eye to eye, I can see her face begin to redden. She couldn't keep the eye contact and soon lowered her head.
"De-Derek," she murmured in a hushed voice, still hiding her face." What are you doing here?"
"Your mom let me in…I-I wanted to see you; see how you are doing…"
"Oh." Our small exchange of words ended there as we just stood in silence, the air seeming very heavy, neither of us really looking towards each other or making any kind of effort to continue on. I came this far, but…I had to say something, I had to.
"Um, do you mind if I came in and sat for a bit?"
"Huh?" She looked up, her long black hair concealing a bit of her surprised expression, but even so, she turned away, red. She gave a slight nod and retreated back into her room, leaving me to follow her.
Last time I was in this room was very painful for me. She had pictures of her boyfriend everywhere and we couldn't have a simple conversation without the topic always coming back to him. That was when everything went sour. That was when we started drifting apart from one another. Now, however, all the pictures were taken down, torn and in pieces on the floor along with many used tissues. Last time was painful for me, but now, it was her that was in pain.
I took a seat at her desk as she climbed into bed, wrapping herself in the blanket as she sat and pulled her knees to her chest, holding them as she seemed to bury her face in her them, embarrassed and full of melancholy. Indeed, when she fell, she fell hard…
I can't remember how much time passed as we just sat across from each other, not saying anything. Each second seemed longer than the last as I just looked at her and every once in a while, I would see her peek out from her cocoon of blankets and self-pity, only to meet my gaze and retreat hastily back in. Every time she came out and our eyes connected, however, I could see that she seemed almost holding back, as if she were about to cry. The very atmosphere of the room seemed overwhelming. I leaned forward and gave a deep sigh, just altogether unsure of what it is that I can do.
"You're my friend, right?" I looked at her, her head peeking out and her voice shaky and uncertain. She seemed almost broken as she looked up at me, tears clearly running down her face. "You're my friend, so, tell me the truth. Tell me how stupid I am! Tell me how it was stupid to fall in love with an older guy over the internet! Tell me how stupid I am to push everyone else away, all for him, some I guy I barely knew! Please…tell me the truth…"
I could do nothing but watch as she just broke down in front of me, not even trying in the slightest to hold back her rushing tears and emotions. I had to do something…I just had to…
"Alright." I stood, to which, she looked up at me, surprised at my sudden action. "I'll tell you the truth." She just looked down solemnly, much like a child ready for their parent's scolding. I started for her bed, slowly, each step making a resounding thud, my footsteps making her cringe more and more, as if embracing for a hit. She was still a child, and yet, so was I.
By the time I reached her bed, she had all but shrunken beneath the veil-like blanket that was atop her head, her dark hair hanging before her face, obscuring her pained expression.
"I'll tell you the truth." I put one hand on her shoulders, firmly griping her as I did, and used the other to brush aside her hair that hung in front of her face. She looked up at me, a mixture of what seemed to be sadness and angst in her eyes.
"I love you." Her eyes began to widen, and as she began to open her lips to say something, I stopped her with my own. Our eyes closed as we fell into each other's embrace, this warm, warm embrace that we call love.