sometimes i wonder:
if i'd never left him,
where would i be?
certainly not in this car,
relaxed, driving down the street
with my friends.
not working somewhere new,
not living alone.
they know: i'd be trapped there,
stagnant. craving escape.
but closing my eyes to its existence.
devote myself to keeping him afloat
even it meant i'd drown.
i was blind to my own weakness,
certain that saving him proved my strength.
so now i worry:
what is it that i'm not seeing?
because there has to be something.
self-assessment: "subject will never
be strong enough to be happy.
does not deserve the chance."
this place, this safety,
it isn't mine, it never was.
it will never belong to me,
nor i to it.
we do not fit together.
there must be some darkness
lurking just out of sight. a secret
i have closed my eyes to,
& allowed myself to perpetuate.
i don't deserve this happiness,
especially in the midst of all this grief,
the weight of my mistakes, my shame.
what am i not seeing?
& when is it going to catch me?