I have done terrible, terrible things, but not to you, never to you. I have done such awful things in the past few months. And I have not told you. I have not told you that ever since last year, I have been hearing voices in my head. The voice of God I heard, so melodious and strong. I saw God, God was always there. And he told me things. He told me things that I had to do if I were to go to heaven, if I wanted us two to go to heaven together when we died. It was simple things at first, like praying, and staying a devoted wife. But, then it turned to killing more meat in his name, that's why I made so much stew. And then I found out about that prostitute ruining my good friend's life. I was so upset. And then, then he was there telling me that it would be alright. That if I did just one thing then that woman, that family destroyer, that sinner would be able to go to heaven too.
That one thing?
He chanted it over and over in my ear, kill her, kill her, kill her. And so, I did. Please believe me, God told me to do this, that voice.
I had asked you once if you had heard it and you said no… so I said it must've been my imagination. And now maybe it is... but I cannot believe that, he seems so real. Yet, no one else can hear him. He kept on asking me to do more, to kill more. That I was sending those women to heaven; that I was living and that I was doing the word of God, he told me over and over. He was so persuasive, and so I was set on a mission. It consumed me Ryan.
I read your old school books. I learned the way of the body. I practiced on the animals I used for food in the kitchen. The books, the little red dots on the floor, all evidence of my practices; you never took notice. When you and Fredrick were talking when he visited, my hand was shaking. Not of fear of being killed but of fear that I was to be found out… But I wasn't found out. No one suspected anything, so I kept on killing. I stole your best knife.
I wanted to tell you, I really did. But he said I couldn't. Ryan, believe me. The voice was telling me that I was saving them. I was saving them. I saved myself. I saved you. I only wanted to make sure everyone was safe. But last night, I cried. For the first time after I killed one of the. I cried. I realized the pain I had inflicted upon them. I realized I had sinned as well.
That was when he told me I had to do this. I had to die. I had to fix my own sins too. This was my final act that I had to complete to save us, and bring us and those terrible women to salvation. I just wanted to save them; they were throwing their lives away. I just wanted to save us…
I love you, just know that. I'm sorry I had to do this. The voices, they are just too much…
Yours only and forever,