A/N: A pretty pointless attempt at writing a play, inspired by early morning ramblings to myself and the idea of personal assistants/evil sidekicks/Beauty and the Beast with the servants turned into animate objects. Because I'm paranoid, I'm going to say that this is not meant to offend, and that Gerald is not a slave, merely a servant.

MASTER: Gerald, come here!

GERALD: C-c-coming, Master. . .

MASTER: Gerald! GERALD!

GERALD: COMING, MASTER!

MASTER: Well, now, Gerald, there's no need to shout. You're just being rude.

GERALD: [mumbles] Yeah, I'm the rude one. . .

MASTER: Excuse me, Gerald? WHAT did you just say to me?

GERALD: Nothing, Master. I will do anything to serve you. Anything. You're amazing. [prostrates himself at MASTER's feet] Absolutely amazing. . .

MASTER: Now, Gerald, stand up. Don't get my floors dirty with your constant sneezing.

GERALD: But, Master, I never sneeze.

MASTER: Excuse me? Did you just contradict what I said?!

GERALD: N-n-no, of course not, Master.

MASTER: Good. You really need to work on your people skills, Gerald. Now, kiss my feet! [holds out two plastic mannequin feet in front of GERALD's face]

GERALD: [sighs] Of course, Master. [kisses the feet, dramatically]

MASTER: Now, massage them! Wait, let me sit down first. All of this is making me exhausted. [sits in a reclining chair and huffs, leaning to place the feet on the footrest] MASSAGE THEM!

[GERALD sighs and proceeds to massage the feet. Halfway through, MASTER yanks the feet back]

You're no good at this, Gerald! Didn't I send you to massage school for a reason?

GERALD: You never sent me to "massage school", and I don't think it's called that.

MASTER: Bad child! No contradictions! No contradictions. . . no contradictions. . . NO CONTRADICTIONS!

GERALD: I understand.

MASTER: Good. Now make me a sandwich!