Chapter 1: Hime's First Letter…to whom?

It's Sunday. I'm really sleepy. But I know I can't have that peaceful state the moment Hime opens her eyes. It's very odd though, she wakes up early today unlike her usual Sundays. She checks the time and it's 5:00 AM. Oh brains. Girls.

I want her to get back to sleep so that I can get back to sleep. But it's not like she's going to acknowledge my wants. I can't even tell her anything. No, I won't do that anymore.

I can actually enforce my thoughts to her if I wanted to. I can make my own feelings run through her if I wanted to. I can make her think the way I think, and it will sound to her like I'm her subconscious mind, though I am not. The oddest thing of all is that I can actually talk to her…if I just wanted to. But I won't do that anymore. She will freak out. I still remember it now.

It was five years ago when I first talked to her. And it was the last. Because as I said earlier, she freaks out when I do. She thought she's mad. That's she's going insane. It made her really sad and she went into depression even more. I don't want that to happen again. That's why I remain what I am now. Her other self.

I can't really say that we're the same person. I am convinced that we are not. The truth is, I don't even know if I'm a person or not, all I know is that Hime is. And because I can't explain my existence in her world, and I don't understand it either why I'm inside her body, I just comfort myself by saying "I'm her other self."

But perhaps, I'm Hime's other personality. The thing they call "dual personality" is also possible. But nah, I have been considering that idea for years already, but I could not just embrace it. I am two thousand percent sure that I'm a guy. I could not be a girl. That sounds gross. Sure, I could not be Hime. Although I sometimes think I am. But that's because it's my own way of comforting myself, of my complicated existence. Yeah, it's complicated. But life itself is complicated.

Today, I am quite surprised by what she did. She went to her sister's study table and grabbed her pen. She took a piece of sticky note and begun to write something. Whoa. That's unusual. She can't write. She can't not because she doesn't have the talent, she can't because she chose not to. She usually doesn't have the courage.

But she's writing now.

When she's done, I realized it was a short letter when she scanned her eyes through it. This is not the first time that she wrote something. But this is the first time that she wrote a letter. To whom?

Well, it says,

It's saddening, Lord. But despite all my conflicts, I thank You. For everything. That You have let me endure it all up to now. That I'm able to make it. Because of it I thank You.

Arigatou ne.


No matter what happens, please don't let me go off Your hands.

The contents did not surprise me though. I'm more surprise that she put them into writing. How shall I put this. Ah, Hime's not a religious person. Not like those religious people who recite rosary in almost every minute. She's not like that. But she has faith. Her faith in God is one of the admirable reasons why I admire her. She lacks courage though. And she has so many flaws. But who hasn't, anyway? She's very weak emotionally. But despite that, she always end up clinging unto God.

However, because of her faith, I end up questioning my own. How can I have faith when I don't even understand what I am? Sometimes it's very sickening whenever she prays during Sunday services, because I always feel guilty.

But then again, why do I care? She doesn't even care.

To her…I'm just her subconscious mind. But to me, Hime is a special person. She will always be. And I don't care whether she will come to realize that I exist or not. There's only one goal I am aiming for.

To bring Her Smile back.