Dear Tiffany Lemler
The truth is I never wanted to get too close to you. The truth is I didn't want to care so much about you. The truth is that many a' times you wish I never had been obsessed with you or her. The truth is so many things, but none of that matters. When the truth is I had secretly wanted something more as you hugged me and said those words. When the truth is that I lied to you simply to remain your friend. The truth is you couldn't understand why she had said, "I love you, babe." to you. When the truth was that you wished you still found girls 'gay' pretty, and that maybe she did too. When you were in her arms everything felt just right, and suddenly everything just... stopped.
There she was short blonde hair just barely poking out of her white winter hat with the pink hearts on it, black eskimo coat with the black inviting fur promising warmth just barely sticking out of her hood, and there she was arms open wide, issues, I did. He didn't have issues thinking no one could love him, I did. Like I said she was there, and I gave in. I couldn't help it, as the closer I got to her, the more right everything felt. Right but also so wrong. More wrong than just girl on girl as she was already maddly in love with someone emuddied green eyes staring at me with a forlorned saddned gaze. She looked innocent then like a child simply asking for another hug from her mother or father, so innocent indeed. I couldn't say no to that simple gesture, and I couldn't say no when she asked for a hug. I just couldn't as I just wanted her safe, protected, happy. She couldn't be mine forever as she belonged to him. He was a loving man of this I was certain of, and he was certainly better for her than I could ever be- even if she had loved me. I was crazy, and he was not. He was caring, and I was selfish. He didn't have trust issues. The perfect man, that perfect loving sane man. The right man for her... her soulmate. And I was just a soul she happened to stumble acrost at the wrong time and wrong place.
I never expected what would happen once I allowed myself to relax in her arms. I was stiff at first too scared to allow myself the luxury to learn why I had wanted to hug her and hold her close the entire time at the shelter. I didn't want to know why I counted the hours, minutes, and secounds until she came back to the shelter. I didn't want to know why she made me feel so happy and giddy. And lastly I didn't want to know why I kept wondering how it would be like if we could be together, and make out with one another. Normally I'd think this ewww, but with her it was issue here. Because I hear once you go 'gay' you can never go back. But it was so wrong to think all this after all I was supposed to be straight, and she was supposed to be married to Steven Lemler her best friend, her soul mate. It is wrong to love a female when you are already one, and it is even MORE wrong when you love a MARRIED female. Maybe, just maybe... no not even then. It was only right our friendship ended after all the truth is that maybe I kept lying to myself. Maybe I couldn't make things go away. Its not like I thought her hot or looked at her that way. Sure I suppose she had a nice body, but I had loved her soul. And when my soul met hers it was like a flame lit up inside of me, and the world stopped.
It was just me and her, and no one else existed. There we were on a sidewalk in the middle of nowhere. In a part of Fort Wayne that few visit. We were near the Seven 11 gas station., but at that moment I didn't see the gas station or the shelter or Steven or anything or anyone else. All I saw and felt was her, her heart beat next to mine, her intoxicating scent on mine, her arms wrapped around mine, and I felt the most amazing warmth. But then it stopped and she said those four words and then I didn't think about anything at all. I answered her, "I love you, babe" with a "Me too" without giving it a second thought. She just gasped and pushed me away her eyes searching mine, what for I didn't know. But her eyes did have a strange light to them, and also a sadness to them. The final good bye then I began to walk away, but as she got closer to Steven she turned around and said my name. "Wait. Call me everynight. Don't forget." She hollered and seeing her again I wanted so badly to run to her, to hug her, and to kiss her. To beg her to never leave me. To tell her I would never stop caring for her, and to say those four words back to her. But I never did I just nodded, turned around, and walked away head down without once looking back. Because I knew she didn't feel a thing towards me, never would, and that by running back everyone would know the truth I tried so hard to deny. I wasn't looking for another love when I went to that shelter, nor was I looking for another Caroline, another female. But I found one in Tiff, and all along she was right it is best to forget her. Because she is a Married, bipolar, syncopaedal thirty year old, and I am just a twenty year old who fell in lesbianhonest love.
I never meant to though, and honestly I don't know when I will ever come clean about the time I fell for someone like the bipolar psychic named Tiff.