I am unsure of so much in my life. But: There is one thing I am sure of in my life:
I love my best friend.
She is the best person that has ever walked into my life. It has been a great joy just to know her; and to have her trust me. I trust her with so much; and in doing so, I feel a joy I never thought possible. I know I could possibly be hurt one day: But looking that danger in the eye; and saying "Bring it on" makes me feel... awesome. In fact; I hope I feel this way forever.
I remember when I was hopelessly in love with her; for about a month or two after she told me she didn't want a relationship after all. I was a wreck. I imagined her talking to me; at school, in my bed; in classes. She gave me advice. I hid under my covers and was too unwilling to move.
I eventually started writing. I wrote an 8 page love letter; detailing everything. One last beg for her to be more-than-friends with me; but I kept it. I refused to give it to her; for fear of losing what little I had.
I cut off contact after she chewed me out over a dispute; and I figured that I would let her cool down. I forgot to reply to her; and we went like that for a while; with no contact.
Within 3 weeks; she contacted me again; and just said to me how much she missed me in her life. I was so touched; I had no idea that I made that kind of difference. I had actually thought me a hinderance; an annoyance to her; that kept her from moving on from her demons.
She told me the exact opposite; that I was partly what gave her the strength to carry on.
I was speechless.
She pronounced me her best friend. In perspective; she has known her oldest friend for 12 years; and me, the total stranger from work whom she had known for just 5 months; became her best friend.
She always lifts me up; and I hope I do the same. In fact; I am sure of it. I have gotten to realise how much of an amazing person she is.
There isn't a single thing I wouldn't do for her; to make her happy, or to help her. I've revealed my inner soul; outside the scar tissue and shells; and she knows what is there. I know she understands; and she feels my pain. I feel hers. I know we are similar.
When we talk about the strange things that we do; we never feel awkward or embarrassed; accepting the non-conformity of each other.
We both love our siblings; and we LOVE cats and dogs and children. We both can't wait to have children of our own; to have our own lives.
When I get down, or angry: I; like many people; have a happy place I go to make everything OK.
I imagine myself in my happy place, in Italy, Spain, Greece or Sarajevo; on my honeymoon with my soul mate. How my heart aches for that to be now.
No matter how much I stop myself; in my dream, of me and my beloved under the stars; on the beach, waterfront, cliffs; embracing and making love for the first time with each other; I can't stop thinking of that person on the beach with me as her.
It feels right with her there. I feel like... I have actually found the woman for me and my family.
I stop myself from thinking this. I berate myself for wanting that; and I look ahead to what relationship as friends we could possibly have in the future; and how much she has affected me already, and how great it is: She got me to go Vegetarian; and to love animals more. I view animal and child rights in a whole new way. I see teen parenting in a whole new way after hearing her views; along with what true family love is. We make each other very happy; and we have the same viewpoints on many issues. We both agree that we cannot be like our parents. We both agree on letting our respective children choose a religious belief. We both agree on only marrying for true love; and if there is true love there; nothing else matters.
I get flashes of my own children; boys and girls. Smart ones. Ones that ask me questions, laugh and tell me that they love me and that I'm the best father ever; me having finally thrown off what has happened to me and being the loving, nurturing, guiding ME. I see my family on a trip to the beach; or an amusement park. They laugh and scream, and my wife gets out of the car after them. Me and my Wife kiss and walk up with our kids; a little one holding each of my wife's hands; her in a cute red sundress with a large pregnant belly; A little girl holding my hand.
I can't stop seeing that woman as my friend; no matter what I do or think.
No matter how much I tell my heart to stop it inside; no matter how much I want the hopeless infatuation to stop; no matter how depressed I get, or how stupid my words become: my heart promptly gives me the finger.
It starts affecting my judgement of what I should say to her; and it has resulted in frustrations. It has made me feel things I wish I never would feel: true hate of others who have, are hurting, or will hurt; her.
I don't want the friendship to end. I don't want her to leave me alone.
I don't want to be hopelessly in love with her. I tried hanging out with another girl, a nice one: on a get-to-know you thing; but she did not interest me. In retrospect; she was quite attractive, intelligent, nice, politically correct, and accepting that I am not normal. I could have been quite happy with her if I had felt that way back.
My farewell to her was; "I love someone else." I then looked down, shamed. I said sorry to her.
I know she understood. She hugged me and I left.
She was disappointed; but she found another man who is not tied down by selfishness. And I know she will be happy. I hope she is.
It isn't fair to bring someone else into a possibly romantic situation if they'll always be second place in my heart; as she always will be.
I don't want to feel this way. It has been 8 months. I've tried lots of things; but nothing takes the grief away.
The worst part of it is; no matter how great she says I am; that just points out to me that because she doesn't want those things: I'm not good enough.
I love her. I would do anything to make her happy; to make her dreams come true.
But why does my heart have to overpower my head? Why do I have to feel bad myself when she's down?
Why can't I see her as she sees me: A good friend?
There is only one statement that I can give in this situation:
Fuck you, whomever's in charge of love; stop picking on me. Stop ruining my friendship. Please go bother someone else.
Please stop making me fall madly in love with that one person I don't want to have in that way in my logic brain. Please stop making everyone fall in love with her. Please stop me from going this crazy.
I just say to it; looking down at my heart; "Please stop me from going insane over this one girl. Please stop it..."
But my heart just laughs sadistically.
And I grow evermore insane every day.