"JEWMANBERG" CHARACTER GUIDE

A struggling Orthodox Jewish comedian interacts with his dysfunctional family and his vile co-workers.

COMICS

SHMUEL "JEWMANBERG" GOLDBERG is a 30-year-old Orthodox Jewish comedian, who balances the pious and the degenerate on a daily basis. He performs at "The Humor Hut" comedy club; along with his fellow comics, people whose company either uplifts him or horrifies him, depending on the day. Shmuel lives a clean life, his only addiction being logic.

Jewzy resides at home with Orthodox Jewish family. Even though he's 30.

JOE PANTALANO is a 33-year-old, gigantic Italian comic with an anger management problem, which manifests itself in numerous ways, including the usage of at least one bleeped swear word in each (F'n) sentence. Joe has chauvinistic tendencies and is rather (F'n) forward with the ladies. He's Shmuel's (F'n) nemesis and polar opposite (although on some level, they respect each other as comedy compatriots, but they'll never admit it) and holds the record for the most (F'n) swear words used in a 7-minute set: 74. Yes, he broke his own (F'n) record.

DAVID "THE VOICE" STEIN (based on the actual comic) is a 32-year-old, up-and-coming comedian, as well as Shmuel's long-time best friend. He possesses an odd, throaty voice, and wishes that he were more successful with the ladies. He playfully mocks Shmuel's piety whenever the opportunity arises.

David also has the most extensive action figure collection known to man.

STEVIE JETT (25 yo), Jessica Goodman's stage persona, is a starry-eyed female comedienne with enormous potential. She is two parts sweet to one part feisty, and struggles to balance her feminine side with the often testosterone-laced boys club that is stand-up comedy, a field in which she grew up and loves.

AL GOODMAN is a tough, old-school (mostly retired) stand-up comedian and the owner of half of the Humor Hut chain of comedy clubs (the other half belonging to his ex-wife). Al brings his own form of mentoring to the Humor Hut comics, and is especially influential in his niece Stevie's career.

FAMILY

MOM is Shmuel's mother, who ALWAYS YELLS, EVEN WHEN IT'S TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. Her favorite hobbies include: guilt-tripping; competitive passive-aggressiveness; and therapy.

REBECCA and ESTHER (25 yo, 23 yo; or perhaps identical twins?),Shmuel's sisters, share a house with him and Mom. The sisters' hobbies include mocking Shmuel's career at the Sabbath table. Rebecca tends to be the ring leader among the two.

DR. MICHAEL GOLDBERG (not in Pilot) is an elitist, genius physicist. His divorce from Mom was one for the record books.

JEWMANBERG
SITCOM PILOT
by JEWMANBERG

FADE IN:

EXT. "THE HUMOR HUT" COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

INT. GREEN ROOM

SHMUEL GOLDBERG writes in his notebook.

David enters.

DAVID

Mr. Jewmanberg, there's a hot little Jewish chickie in the front row...

DAVID (cont'd)

(motioning lewdly with hips)

You gonna bring'er home to mama's house?

Shmuel indicates mild annoyance.

JOE PANTALANO enters, as David takes a seat next to Shmuel.

JOE

I (F'n) killed out there!

Shmuel and Joe, arch-enemies and polar opposites in many ways, engage in an adversarial exchange.

SHMUEL

(sarcastically)

You always do, Joe. You always do.

David chuckles.

JOE

(to Shmuel, walking to his seat)

Always with your (F'n) smart ass comments. Well, we're getting a (F'n) new comic tomorrow night, so maybe Al will dump you, and I won't hafta listen to your (F'n) Jew mouth no more.

SHMUEL

Yeah, okay pizan... who said we're getting a new comic?

JOE

(seated)

Bruce, (F)face. Who the (F) else?!

SHMUEL

Can you say anything without swearing?

JOE

Apparently (F'n) not.

Shmuel rolls his eyes.

DAVID

(to Joe)

Mr. Joe, did you remind Mr. Bruce that the Canadian Comedy Festival auditions are just days away, and that our stage time has already been cut down to less than ten minutes apiece?

JOE

He said the new comic is (F'n) related to Al, so he has no (F'n) choice.

SHMUEL

Our careers are on the line, but the owner's nephew, who probably isn't even funny, gets to steal our stage-time. (derisively) I guess that's just the way it is with family...

CUT TO:

INT. SHMUEL'S SABBATH TABLE - NIGHT

Shmuel, MOM, REBECCA, and ESTHER eat. Shmuel wears sweatpants and a T-shirt, while everyone else dresses a bit more to the occasion (which will be the standard for the Sabbath Table scenes).

Mom

(yelling at Shmuel)

Why can't you be more like your sisters!

SHMUEL

Because I don't have Satan's DNA and a fake nose.

Rebecca and Esther, appalled, touch their noses.

MOM

(to Shmuel)

You don't talk like that at my Sabbath table!

MOM (CONT'D)

(to the ceiling)

Please forgive him. It's all his bum father's fault. Feh!

SHMUEL

(to Mom)

Don't you start with that!

MOM

I'll start whatever I G.D. please in my own house. Your father, feh, is a bum. Always was. Isn't that right, girls?

SHMUEL

You're asking them? They haven't worked a day in their lives.

rebecca

(to Shmuel)

Well, not all of us have what it takes to get up in front of strangers and tell puns for less than minimum wage, Shmu-el.

esther

(to Shmuel)

Yeah, not all of us are that gifted, "Jewmanberg."

REBECCA

(to Esther)

Oh wait, Esther. Let's not forget that Jewzy's also a...

rebecca and esther

(making simultaneous air quotes)

"Writer."

Rebecca and Esther high five.

SHMUEL

(to Rebecca and Esther)

I'm writing a crossword puzzle right now. Six Down, five-letter-word, starts with a 'B' and ends with an 'H'. The clue is Rebecca and Esther.

MOM

(to Shmuel)

Don't you use profanity in my house! Feh!

Shmuel indicates "whatever."

ESTHER

(to Shmuel)

Why don't you get a real job, so you won't be broke and can move out already!

SHMUEL

(insulted and delusional)

Oh, you know I'm just here because Ma needs me after the divorce!

Rebecca, Esther, and Mom laugh off Shmuel's rationalization.

SHMUEL

Yeah well, you can make fun of my comedy all you want, but the Canadian Comedy Festival auditions are coming up, and that's going to change everything...

Rebecca and Esther quietly lip the remainder of Shmuel's statement, as if rote.

SHMUEL (O.S.)

This is going to be the one! You'll see!

Shmuel is serious.

END OF SEGMENT 1

SCENE 2

EXT. THE HUMOR HUT - NIGHT

INT. GREEN ROOM

Joe enters, joining Shmuel and David.

JOE

He's goin' t'be here any (F'n) minute now.

SHMUEL

This is not good.

JOE

(seated)

First time you been right 'bout somethin' your entire (F'n) Jew life.

SHMUEL

You forgot to say "capice" at the end there...

A knock on the door.

STEVIE JETT enters.

Awkward silence.

STEVIE

Um, hey, guys. I'm Stevie Jett... the new comic.

Silence.

Shmuel looks contemplatively at Stevie.

JOE

(to Stevie)

You're (F'n) hot!

Stevie reacts, equal parts sheepish and frightened.

DAVID

Don't worry, Miss Stevie. Joe's harmless. I'm David.

STEVIE

Hey, David.

SHMUEL

(motioning for Stevie to take the empty seat)

And I'm Shmuel. Come on in.

STEVIE

(taking a seat)

Nice to meet you.

SHMUEL

(to Stevie)

So, you're related to Al?

JOE

(to Stevie)

Oh (S)! That means you're a Jew, right?

SHMUEL

(admonishing Joe)

Joe...

STEVIE

No, it's okay... Uncle Al is my dad's brother. My dad's Jewish, but my mom's Christian.

SHMUEL

Oh...

Stevie is uncertain as to how to interpret Shmuel's "oh".

Shmuel, who is clearly attracted to Stevie, allows his mind to wander off to a prior, pertinent conversation.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SABBATH TABLE - DAY

Shmuel, Mom, Rebecca, and Esther eat.

mom

(yelling)

And if any of you ever marries a gentile, you may as well poison my chulent with cyanide poisoning! Because I'll be dead. You hear me? DEAD!

SHMUEL

Ma...

MOM

(to Shmuel)

And not like in one of your juvenile comic books... dead and never coming back! DEAD!

SHMUEL

Ma...

MOM

(to ceiling)

If any of them marries a gentile, please just take me away from this Earth, because I don't want to...

SHMUEL

MA! Relax, okay? We all know that if anyone here is going to marry a gentile, it'll be Rebecca.

rebecca

(in protest)

Uh!

SHMUEL

(to Rebecca)

Oh, I see the way you look at those Jonas Brothers!

MOM

(yelling at Rebecca)

Who are these Jonas Brothers, Rebecca? Tell me where they live, and I'll have them whacked in their sleep!

RETURN TO:

INT. GREEN ROOM (CONT'D)

We're later in the original meeting with Stevie. Focus in on Stevie, as she chats with David and Joe.

STEVIE

(to David)

No way, man. Really?

DAVID

Yes, really.

Shmuel returns (from the bathroom).

stevie

(to Shmuel)

So Shmuel, David tells me that you recently became a Mensa member.

JOE

No wonder he's been actin' like even more of a (F'n A-H) than usual.

SHMUEL

(to David)

Good job on the secret-keeping, Dave.

DAVID

(to Shmuel)

I held out for as long as I could, but Stevie "Jack Bauer'ed" me.

STEVIE

(to Shmuel)

I was ruthless, man.

DAVID

(wimpy)

She really was.

STEVIE

(to Shmuel)

Seriously, how did it work?

SHMUEL

Well... okay. I signed up for their test… I went down to midtown and took it, and then they sent me a letter…

STEVIE

Naw, man, I meant your mother birthing a genius… were you, like, in a pod for a while?

David laughs, while Shmuel reacts negatively.

Fast forward. Only Shmuel, David, and Joe are present.

SHMUEL

(to David and Joe)

You see that? She's here two minutes, and she's already making her little jokes. She's been doing comedy for like, what, maybe three years? She can't be any good, and if she were a guy the club wouldn't have even looked at her.

DAVID

So? If you're right, she'll bomb at the Canadian auditions, and she'll be out of here by next week.

JOE

But she's (F'n) hot!

SHMUEL

(to Joe)

So that makes her a good comic?

JOE

Naw, she's gonna (F'n) bomb.

DAVID

Uh oh…

SHMUEL

(happy)

Oh, yeah!

JOE

(F), it's on now

Everyone moves in a bit closer.

SHMUEL

All right, let's review the rules to the comic game, "How Much?" There will be three rounds, and should any competitor fail to deliver in any round, he is eliminated. Today on "How Much?" the subject is… "How much will Stevie Jett bomb?" And please remember, as always, taking cheap shots at celebrities, although not required, is encouraged. Per the rules, the initiator may elect to go first.

NOTE: This was written a few years ago.

DAVID

Indeed, I will… Stevie Jett is going to bomb like Carrot Top after an airline loses his prop suitcase.

SHMUEL

Stevie Jett will comedy bomb like Dina and Michael Lohan have parent bombed.

JOE

Stevie Jett's gonna (F'n) bomb like a Michael (F'n) Richards racism PSA.

DAVID

Like a pop star's boyfriend's rap album.

SHMUEL

Like Gilbert Gottfried at a whispering contest.

JOE

Like Calista (F'n) Flockhart competing on Biggest (F'n) Loser.

DAVID

Like Jessica Simpson on a Mensa test.

David gives a look of recognition to Mensa member Shmuel, which Shmuel largely ignores.

SHMUEL

Like Barry Bonds on a urine test.

JOE

Like Gene (F'n) Simmons on a STD test.

SHMUEL

After three rounds, all of our competitors remain, so we go to our judges… Judge Shmuel Goldberg rules in favor of... Shmuel Goldberg.

DAVID

Booooo!

SHMUEL

Judge David "The Voice" Stein rules in favor of...

DAVID

In a close decision... David "The Voice" Stein!

SHMUEL

Now to break the tie, Judge Joe Pantalano rules in favor of...

Shmuel and David drum roll.

JOE

Joe (M F'n) Pantalano.

SHMUEL

Gentlemen, we appear to have a three-way tie.

DAVID

AGAIN?!

JOE

(pissed)

(F'n) thirty-five in a row!

INT. OUTSIDE GREEN ROOM

Stevie, standing right outside the door and having overheard everything, is offended and near-tears.

END OF SEGMENT 2

SCENE 3

NT. SHMUEL'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT

Shmuel walks down the stairs, towards the front door.

mom (O.S.)

(yelling from bedroom)

Where are you going?!

Shmuel reacts.

shmuel

(muttering, sardonic)

To find Carmen San Diego.

MOM (O.S.)

WHAT?!

SHMUEL

(loudly)

To The Humor Hut!

MOM (O.S.)

(yelling)

Get me a Strawberry Shortcake, and if they don't have that, a Chipwich!

SHMUEL

Humor Hut doesn't sell ice cream.

MOM (O.S.)

(yelling)

Since when?!

SHMUEL

(loudly)

It's a comedy club!

MOM

(yelling)

They turned it into a comedy club?!

SHMUEL

(loudly)

It's where I've been working for the past 5 years!

Silence.

MOM

Don't forget your jacket!

Shmuel, irked, exits and slams the door.

SCENE 4

EXT. THE HUMOR HUT - NIGHT

INT. GREEN ROOM

Shmuel, David, and Joe hang out.

David

(anxious)

I'm freakin' out, man! Freakin out!

joe

I'm (F'n) ready to go right now. I got my (F'n) set down pat.

SHMUEL

(to Joe)

Which set are you doing, Joe?

JOE

Same (F'n) set from last year.

SHMUEL

But you didn't make the cut last year.

JOE

Neither did you, (F)face.

SHMUEL

I'm aware of that, and that's why I'm doing a different set this year. Why would you do the same exact set that got you a kick in the tuchas last year?

JOE

Well, I'm going to do it better than last year, you dumb (F).

SHMUEL

I give up.

DAVID

(anxious)

FREAKIN' OUT!

Stevie indicates that she isn't completely comfortable as she enters.

STEVIE

Hey, guys.

DAVID

Hi, Stevie.

JOE

(staring at Stevie lasciviously)

Mmmm, mmmm.

SHMUEL

You ready?

STEVIE

Oh, for the auditions? Aw, I don't know, dude... Not even sure I should perform. My uncle kind of thinks that I should wait a year or two... He says it's bad if these guys see you too early, 'cause then even if you get better before next year, they'll have already made up their mind on you.

DAVID

(anxious)

FREAKIN OUT!

INT. COMEDY ROOM

BRUCE THE MANAGER is on stage. The AUDIENCE is large and lively.

bruce

Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight's show will be doubling as auditions for the most prestigious comedy showcase in the world, The Canadian Comedy Festival. In attendance tonight, we have our owner, Mr. Al Goodman, and the producer of the Canadian Comedy Festival, Mr. Harvey Poffo.

HARVEY POFFO and AL GOODMAN, who share a table, wave to the applauding audience. Harvey has a notebook and clipboard in front of him.

BRUCE (CONT'd)

And now, please give a warm welcome to David "The Voice" Stein!

The audience applauds.

David takes the mic.

DAVID

(stammering and squeaky)

Heeeelllloo, everyone. Don't wuh-worry, I'm nuh-not s-sick… I'm not duh-dying… the other comics don't have to dis-disinfect the mic… this is my regular speaking voice…

cut to:

INT. GREEN ROOM

Shmuel, Joe, Stevie and COMIC #1 watch David on the monitor.

comic #1

Oh, that's going to cost him at least a tenth of a point from the Russian judge.

JOE

(to Comic #1)

It's the (F'n) Canadian auditions! Ca-na-di-an, you dumb (F)!

Comic #1 is bewildered.

Stevie giggles.

JOE

(to Shmuel)

Your boy just (F'd) up.

SHMUEL

Whatever, Joe. We'll see how you do.

JOE

I'm gonna (F'n) kill!

SHMUEL

(sarcastically)

You always do, Joe. You always do.

cut to:

INT. COMEDY ROOM (CONT'D)

Joe performs on stage.

JOE

'Ey, that Elton's John's a big (F'n) rock star... ya' think that (F'n) helps him with the ladies?!

The audience laughs.

cut to:

INT. GREEN ROOM (CONT'D)

Shmuel, David (upset), Stevie, and Comic #1 watch Joe on the monitor.

SHMUEL

Hate to say it, but he really is killing.

STEVIE

Yeah. Hey, does he always swear that much?

SHMUEL

His record for a seven-minute set is seventy-four.

Stevie indicates amazement.

cut to:

INT. COMEDY ROOM (CONT'D)

Joe performs some more.

JOE

Hey, that Ellen DeGeneres is pretty (F'n) good with the comedy... you think that (F'n) helps her with the ladies?!

The crowd laughs and then applauds.

cut to:

INT. GREEN ROOM (CONT'D)

Joe enters, joining Stevie and David, who watch Shmuel (Jewmanberg) on the monitor.

JOE

(excited)

I (F'n) killed!

STEVIE

Shushhh, we're watching Shmuel.

NOTE: You can watch a clip of this on YouTube, search for 'Jewmanberg'!

SHMUEL

(on monitor)

Thank you very much, Team Jewzy! I'm Jewmanberg. I'm an Orthodox Jew, not complain laughter...

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY ROOM (CONT'D)

SHMUEL

...but we do have tons of rules, like we have to buy pricey Jew food laughter... Team Jewzy, do you why kosher meat is so much more expensive... because Jewish animals are waaaay better negotiators laughter.

CUT TO:

INT. GREEN ROOM (CONT'D)

STEVIE

Heh, that's pretty good.

JOE

If you like (F'n) high fructose jokes.

cut to:

INT. COMEDY ROOM (CONT'D)

Shmuel performs.

SHMUEL

Growing up, my mom always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be... so I chose financial- burden!

The audience laughs.

cut to:

INT. GREEN ROOM (CONT'D)

Stevie is on her way out, with her back to the other comics (Joe, David and Comic #1). Joe is staring at Stevie's tush.

DAVID

Good luck, Stevie.

JOE

Shhhakke it, ma!

Stevie rolls here eyes and shakes her head as she exits.

Fast forward. Shmuel enters, joining David and Joe, who is close to the monitor, intently watching Stevie.

DAVID

(to Shmuel)

Nice set, Mr. Jewzy.

SHMUEL

Thanks, Dave.

JOE

Hey, shut the (F) up! I'm listening to the chick.

cut to:

INT. COMEDY ROOM (CONT'D)

STEVIE (CONT'D)

(on stage)

I just broke up with my boyfriend.

audience

Awwww.

STEVIE

He seemed cool when we first started going out, man, but he turned out to be a real chauvinist. He thinks that a woman's place is in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant...

AUDIENCE

Boooo!

STEVIE

And that's just not going to work for me... because I really love shoes!

The audience's laughter culminates in an applause break.

Stevie is pleasantly surprised.

cut to:

INT. GREEN ROOM (CONT'D)

DAVID

Wow, applause break on her first joke! She's looking good.

SHMUEL

Take it easy, Dave Anyone can tell one good joke.

JOE

She's (F'n) hot!

cut to:

INT. COMEDY ROOM (CONT'D)

STEVIE

I've been seeing a therapist for a few months, and last week he concluded that I have intimacy issues... that I can't stay with any guy for an extended period of time, and that I just run away as soon as the slightest thing goes wrong. Well, I think that's a bunch of crap, man... and my new therapist totally agrees!

The audience laughs.

cut to:

INT. GREEN ROOM (CONT'D)

DAVID

(impressed)

So, what do you have to say now, Mr. Shmuel?

SHMUEL

...She's not bad.

cut to:

INT. COMEDY ROOM (CONT'D)

STEVIE

Thanks a ton, everyone! I'm Stevie Jett, and I'll be seein' ya.

The crowd applauds heavily.

Stevie lights up.

cut to:

INT. GREEN ROOM (CONT'D)

DAVID

(to Shmuel)

You know... that chick's as good as you.

SHMUEL

Okay.

DAVID

Maybe even better.

SHMUEL

I will punch you right in the mouth. Will she?

DAVID

(backpedaling)

Come to think of it, you're about even. You might even be a smidgen better, and what not.

Stevie enters.

STEVIE

So, how'd I do, boys?

DAVID

It wasn't bad.

SHMUEL

(to Stevie)

Yeah, I guess it was okay... y'know, for your first time in a new club, and all.

JOE

(to Stevie)

You were (F'n) awesome! Wanna go back to Pantalano's pad to (F'n) celebrate?

STEVIE

(to Shmuel and David)

Umm, is he okay?

SHMUEL

They say it's not life-threatening.

STEVIE

(exhaling)

So... what do we do now?

SHMUEL

The guy'll critique us one-on-one... probably tell us how we can be better comics, even though he's never written or performed a joke in his entire life.

SCENE 10

INT. COMEDY ROOM

Harvey Poffo, at his table, converses with David. Nobody else is inside the room.

harvey

David "The Voice" Stein. I like that.

DAVID

Thank you, sir.

HARVEY

Look, you have potential, kid. Keep doing what you're doing, and we'll be back to give you another look next year.

DAVID

(exaggerated)

Sooooo, is that a "maybe"?

Fast forward. Harvey converses with Joe at the same table.

HARVEY

(looking at notebook)

Joe Pantalano, the audience really liked you tonight. Thing is, and I remember your routine from last year...

Joe withholds his anger.

HARVEY

We can't have someone who works that blue. Some blue is fine, but not that blue. So we'll be back next year, and we'd like to see a different set out of you.

Joe works even harder to withhold his anger.

Fast Forward. Harvey converses with Shmuel at the same table.

HARVEY

Smoo-ehl, is that how it's pronounced?

SHMUEL

More or less. Or you can call me-

HARVEY

(interrupting)

Look, Smoo-ehl, you have a very unorthodox approach. I mean, you don't really talk about yourself in your act, not really. You don't mention much about being Jewish… and how about your name, Smoo-ehl? It's an unusual name, why don't you…

Harvey continues flapping.

SHMUEL

(his thoughts)

You're not supposed to talk back. Just listen to what he has to say. Just sit back and listen to what this programmed, unimaginative automaton has to say, but whatever you do, don't talk back.

SHMUEL

Look, Mr. Poffo, what you're describing is typical hack comedy. A programmed monkey could say, "I'm half this ethnicity and half that ethnicity, which means that I'm blank and blank"; and he can comment that he looks like so-and-so; and he can tell you about how funny his name is spelled. I'm trying to do something different... just smart, clean comedy.

HARVEY

But you're limiting your audience. Many paying customers want to hear about interesting but relatable topics... things like ethnicity and relationships.

SHMUEL

Mr. Poffo, thousands of comics do exactly that on a nightly basis. Not everyone wants to hear the same, worn out spiel.

HARVEY

Our audience does.

Shmuel exhales in frustration.

Fast forward. Stevie enters as Harvey speaks with Al at the table.

al

(waving Stevie over)

Hiya, Jessica! Come on over.

STEVIE

(moving to table)

It's, Stevie! Stevie Jett.

AL

O'course it is. Da big showbiz star needs a fancy shmancy name already.

Stevie takes a seat at the table.

HARVEY

(to Stevie)

We're at a bit of an impasse, your uncle and I... Stevie, I'd like to offer you the opportunity to perform at this year's Canadian Comedy Festival.

Stevie is overjoyed.

AL

(to Stevie)

Hold on a second...

STEVIE

(to Al)

Uncle Al, this is amazing!

HARVEY

(to Stevie)

That's how I thought you'd feel, but out of respect for your uncle, I agreed to let him speak with you first.

AL

(to Stevie)

Jessica, you're gonna be a great comic someday. An' I mean it, kid. Great. But if you make your big splash now... sweetie, da only reason dey want you instead of Shmuel or Joe...

HARVEY

(to Al)

Al...

AL

(to Harvey)

Lemme finish, Harvey, den she'll decide.

AL (cont'd)

(to Stevie)

Listen, sweetheart, right now, dey'd only be goin' witchu 'cause you're a female in her mid-twenties, who has a pretty face and knows whad a punchline is. And all da Industry dat sees you at da festival… no matter how much better you're gonna get in da next couple, three years, dey'll always remember you as dat cute little niece o'dat big promoter. Dey'll put da "mediocre" stamp right on your forehead, darling, and dey won't even t'ink twice about it.

HARVEY

(to Stevie)

With all due respect to your uncle, I think you're ready today. But the only important thing is... what do you think, Stevie?

Stevie is uncertain.

CUT TO:

INT. GREEN ROOM

Stevie enters, joining Shmuel, David, and Joe.

SHMUEL

(to Stevie)

Well?

STEVIE

Well what?

SHMUEL

Visiting Canada anytime soon?

STEVIE

Ohhh, thattttt. Um, no... I'm not good enough yet. I'll audition again next year.

DAVID

(to Stevie)

Sorry.

STEVIE

(sad)

Yeah.

JOE

(to Stevie)

You wanna come home and let Big Joe Pantalano console the (S) out of you?

STEVIE

(to Joe)

I'd rather watch your act again.

Shmuel and David chuckle.

JOE

(to Shmuel and David)

Y'hear that? She (F'n) loves my comedy!

Stevie chuckles.

END OF SEGMENT 3

SCENE 5

INT. GREEN ROOM

Shmuel, David, and Joe chat.

DAVID

(to Shmuel)

She was really good, wasn't she?

SHMUEL

Yep.

DAVID

Not leaving here anytime soon, is she?

SHMUEL

Nope.

DAVID

You kinda like her, don't you?

SHMUEL

Don't be silly...

DAVID

(standing, motioning lewdly with hips)

You wanna bring'er her home to mama's, don'tcha?

Everyone laughs.

FADE OUT.