I'm writing to you
Not to tell you, that I still hate you
Just to ask you how you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Nicole laid on her bed and sighed. She had a long day at work and her feet were hurting from constantly being on her feet. She lived an apartment with her fiance that she had been with for eight years, but he was currently on a business trip. Nicole hated when she was alone. It made her think of her father, who was never in her life. She attempted to find him, but she failed. She doubted he even knew of her exsistence. She often wondered how she could care about someone that doesn't care about her, but then she tells herself that he may not even know about her.
Nicole's mom was a single parent, and Nicole watched her mother struggle. She helped as much as she could, but a kid just can't help out as much as they want to. As Nicole got older her mom became more successful, and even though she still struggled, she didn't struggle as much.
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your sons?
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we're all right?
But we're all right
we're all right
Nicole had longed for that father-daughter relationship. Although she was close to her grandfather, and to her fiance's dad, she wanted to have a similar relationship with her biological father. She wanted to be his 'little girl.'
From the day Nicole was born she always had a love for her grandfather. After all, he was going to turn out to be the father figure in her life. Her grandfather was going to be the one that walked her down the aisle when she married her fiance. Her grandfather was there for her when she got braces, or when she fell down and scraped her knees. Her grandfather was even there for her when she had to get stitches on her foot. Yes, she longed for the relationship with her biological father, but nothing would ever take away her love for her grandfather.
Nicole could hardly sleep at night sometimes because she was up wondering about her father. What was he like? Was he nice? Was he shy? Was he constantly in and out of jail? Not only did Nicole wonder what her dad was like, but she wondered why he didn't stick around. Her mom had told her dad that she thought she was pregnant, and he didn't stay. Part of Nicole resented her father for that. Although Nicole wouldn't change the way her life has been going, she did want to at least meet her father once.
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not okay,
but we're alright
Nicole felt so broken because she didn't have her father with her. Even know she never knew her dad she still wanted him to be around. She wanted to have the bond that she sees other families have. She wanted to find her father, and she planned on finding him as soon as she possibly could. She wanted to show her father what he had missed out on, but she also wanted to know her father. She wanted to feel 100 percent complete, and Nicole felt like she would never feel that unless she met her father. The scariest thing was that Nicole wondered if she would ever feel 100 percent complete because she may never meet her biological father.
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now, I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive
Nicole had written many letters to her father, but had no way to send them. She planned on giving them all to him once she met him, if she ever did. She wanted him to know what she had been going through. She wanted him to know what it was like to grow up with out him in her life. She wanted to make sure that he knew, and if he felt bad about it then that was fine too. Even if she found him, and he didn't want anything to do with her, she would be fine with that. If he wanted nothing to do with his own daughter, then that proves what kind of father he is. Nicole felt like if he really cared about her, then he would want to be in her life once they met.
Nicole had many sleepless nights throughout a long period of time. There were many days that Nicole would stay up until 1 in the morning and think about her father. It was one of those things that no matter how hard Nicole would try and forget it, she couldn't. She always ended up thinking about her father, and there was nothing she could do about it.
The days I spend so cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
Those scars run deep inside this tattooed body
There's things I'll take to my grave
But I'm okay
Nicole was tired of being alone. She wanted to know her father, to have her father's love. She didn't want to go the rest of her life without knowing her father. Nicole wanted to find some comfort in not knowing her father. She feels that if she knew her father that would be enough to comfort her rather he decided to be in her life or not. Nicole just wanted to try and find some sort of happiness in that part of her life.
Yeah and this time
That I miss you
Said I miss you
Was it odd for Nicole to miss her father when she never even knew him? Was she crazy for wanting to be in his life. He had missed out on so much, and she wanted him to be there for the rest of her life. When the phone started ringing Nicole picked the phone up. "Hello?" "Hey honey. How are you? I miss you sweetheart." She heard her fiance on the other end of the phone. She smiled a little. "I'm okay. I'm just missing you, and thinking about my dad."
Nicole spent three hours talking to her fiance, and in a sense she began feeling better. Once they hung up Nicole could still feel the feelings. She was still upset over not knowing her dad. Some of the feelings had gone away for the night, thanks to her fiance. She wanted to be happy, and she was semi-happy at the moment. That's when she decided to turn off her lights, the TV on low, and close her eyes so she could sleep.
And this time
I'll admit, that I miss you, miss you