5/14/2013

Tonight was bad. Really bad.

I'm scared and in mental pain; and I don't know what's coming two seconds ahead of when it happens.

(I took a break for two days before finishing.)

First off; my counselor was concerned. Very.

I sat in his office for an hour after school; where he called my father three times. He picked up none of the calls. (Thanks, dad.)

When I got home, he was due home within 5 Minutes. He immediately asked me, angry, tired, uncaring and annoyed; What I did.

Nothing.

"Say nothing one more time and I'll smash that stupid ****** laptop with a hammer. What did you do?"

This is not my childhood. He doesn't scare me. He can't do anything; I'm just as big as him now.

"Do you really think threats are the appropriate way to solve this?"

He denies making a threat. I see a threat 4 lines up.

I told him to call the counselor, he wants to know what I did.

He wasn't satisfied with my answer, and kept going back to the fact that I did something.

He called them, and he interpreted it to be that I'm talking about what happened in the past, and action is starting. Upon hearing my counselor say that they needed to talk, he said to me that I was a backstabber and a whining complaining weak son who couldn't get it through his head that nobody cared what had happened to me; and that's why he wasn't a loving father. He had waited a long time to say that.

He then listened to the voicemail and chewed me out and made me show him the note; what was typed in up there.

He thinks it's about helping my friend, which it is; but it's bigger than that. He thinks I'm stupid for potentially jeopardizing my AP exam by 'bringing it up now.'

When else am I supposed to bring it up? Three years after it happens?

What he said before still hurt, so I was crying after he dropped that added stress on me. Wanting to kill her stepfather and father, wanting to kill my father and wanting to kill myself, all at the same time.

If I had had my weapons, I would have been grabbing a dull knife with white knuckles... unsure where to put the edge and tip.

He obviously lied to me and manipulated me for the last 5 or 6 years; and everything he said to us to get us to come back was a LIE so of course I'm scared and upset now.

I had emergency therapy, to which my mom took me when she got home.

The on-call therapist stabilized me, very well.

I just can't act on them, no matter how good it would feel.

My father clearly still has the abusive mentality; he still isn't sorry.

That makes it that much harder to NOT get him thrown in prison on a daily basis.

I know EXACTLY who to talk to to get it started.

I know EXACTLY how to convince the person who will report it.

I know EXACTLY how they will charge him.

I know EXACTLY what to say and act like to convince everyone.

I know EXACTLY how they'll find him.

I know EXACTLY what happens to people in prison who do this.

But still he does this shit.

That just reinforces why I want to torture her stepfather and father, for what they did.

Everything short of molestation and severe physical harm, like stabbing, burning, poisoning. And frankly; she wouldn't be any worse off with them even if they did do that.

The worst part about this is; I can't talk with a mental health professional about any of this.

She doesn't want any involvement, and I have to respect that; it would hurt her siblings and her mother.

If I did; they would want her name, and report it.

I can't talk about myself, or the present.

I don't want any involvement. It gives him the illusion of control.

If I did, social services or police would become involved and then he would either still be here and resentful; or gone at the emotional expense of my Mom and sisters.

It's so hard not to hate him.

This is the true purpose of religion.

My AP US history exam is tomorrow; I'm taking it no matter what.

He makes fun of me for that too; would I 'force my way in there'?!

No. They will let me take it, otherwise a year's work is wasted; and my counselor knows that better than anyone.

That about wraps it up.

Thanks for your continued following.