by Hatter of Madness
They say that she calls herself Nellie now
and that she cut off all her hair
in hopes of being somebody else's
idea of beautiful.
They don't know that Nellie is not just
a silly phase or that hair can grow back,
even though Nellie as she now calls herself
but no one else does likes it short.
Nellie is just a quiet girl who
loves to stare at the stars at night and
who likes to paint pictures even though
they look like nothing compared to
Picasso and Michelangelo.
She likes to look at the beautiful things
in life and smiles to herself when a
particularly lovely thought occurs to
herself and gets lost in her dreams.
Nellie is just a girl trying
to find her place in a world that
wants to destroy her, but that world doesn't
realize that Nellie destroys herself.
The world doesn't realize that Nellie
paints on a fake smile each and
every day and pretends that everything
is okay, that nothing bothers her.
They don't know about the suicide
note that she ripped up or about the blade
that she presses into her skin, or about
the eating disorders that plagued her
when she was thirteen.
They don't know that she sometimes
bleeds because she forces herself to
and sometimes she does it to stay
alive, because her body is
slowly trying to kill her by tainting
her own blood.
They don't know that Nellie is
depressed and that her old name feels
too happy to describe such a woeful
being, so Nellie feels like a better fit.
They don't know that her heart is
slowly sinking and that she has been
broken by people she trusted
as well as strangers.
What they think they know they whisper
as Nellie cuts away at the long red
hair that was once so beautiful and
now is so short and lifeless.
Will they ever know about the diary,
the pages she fills with her woes and
concerns and heartaches, the pages
that scream for help even though
she's too quiet?
Will they ever know about the addictions,
the way that Nellie marks her skin
just so she can feel something, anything,
or how she has to count how many
steps she takes to feel secure?
Will they ever know that sometimes
people are not okay and that making a
simple change like your name or your
appearance is just an attempt to feel secure?
Will they ever know about the
thoughts that Nellie has, the shouting words
and the desperate pleas for help that
people ignore because she's just a weird
and soundless girl?
They pretend to know Nellie, but
in truth, they do not know Nellie at all.
Nellie is me.