"A Word on Plays"
Cast of Characters
- Tennessee Williams
- George Bernard Shaw
- Lorraine Hansberry
- William Shakespeare
- Arthur Miller
[The troupe, sans Miller, gathers in Limbo to discuss their former lives among themselves.]
Tennessee: Ughh, we've been down here forever!
George: What part of "eternal punishment" did you not understand?
William: I know, I can hardly stanza it.
Lorraine: Will, what have I told you about puns?
William: I know, I know…something about the three laws of Punbotics.
Tennessee: Look, man, it's bad enough that we're down here forever. We don't need your plays on words torturing us too.
Lorraine: Why not? I like a man who has good wordplay.
George: You've got a point there…Mrs. Puns-berry.
Tennessee: NO! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
William: Hark, what light through yonder ceiling breaks?
[Roof opens. A large hand releases Arthur Miller.]
Arthur: Hey guys, just thought I'd drop in!
George: What's hanging?
Arthur: [Squinting into distance] Judas Iscariot, apparently. [Shouting] Yeah, Dante, you got that one wrong!
Offstage Voice: Screw you too!
Arthur: And Dante, my life gave me an idea for a rebranding of your epic…what about Disco Inferno? Ehh?
Tennessee: No! 70's music is the only thing worse than puns!
Arthur: Ok, so why are we even here, anyway?
Lorraine: We're in Hell. There's no reason for anything.
William: No, I think you're wrong there. We do have a porpoise! Hey, Free Willy! [Offstage dolphin noise]
George: …Ok, well back to the newbie. You, look pretty rough, Mr. Miller.
William: Like he just passed through…The Crucible?
Arthur: [In hushed tone] Billy, are you sure you want to do this?
William: Prepare to face your im-pun-ding doom!
Tennessee: [Sobbing] What have we pun? No, he's infected me too!
Arthur: [Cracks knuckles] Well, there's no stopping now.
William: Puh-leeze, this only the tip of the 'Speare!
Lorraine: So how are we gonna do this, Shaw-ty?
George: Like I'd talk to an old lady that looks like A Raisin in the Sun!
Lorraine: Sounds like sour grapes to me!
William: Fools, don't try to stop me! The Tempest cannot be held back!
Tennessee: [rocking back and forth] Please…please just make it stop.
George: Just shut up, the only Ten-I-see!
Arthur: You too, you stupid Merchant of Venice!
Lorraine: Maybe we should calm down, guys.
Arthur: You're not serious, are you?
George: Yeah, all this seems like…
William: Much Ado About Nothing? [Maniacal laugh]
Tennessee: Find a happy place…find a happy place…
Lorraine: Wow, this Tennessee guy sounds like a Volunteer cry-erman!
Arthur: Is he always like this?
George: Yeah, we never know what to do about him, so we'll just pun-t on him again!
Tennessee: But, these jokes…they're…
William: A Comedy of Errors?
Miller: [Sigh] This guy's psyche seems about as fragile as A Glass Menagerie!
Lorraine: Dude, that try sank like an innocent "witch"!
Miller: Too bad! It's Miller time!
Lorraine: Ok, fine. Arthur.
William: Arthur, you can tell jokes As You Like It.
Tennessee: [Weeping, to audience] This is my eternal pun-ishment…
William: Well, All's Well That Ends Well!