It was shaping up to be a long day for James; the city heat was unforgiving, and the scent of car exhaust and cigarettes was heavy in the air. Sipping his caramel macchiato, he quickly made his way to the convention center. There was no way he was missing the Klingon spelling bee followed by the Dungeons and Dragons laser light show.
He knew he was getting close when he saw a Power Ranger that wasn't openly mocked by the public. Passing him, he opened the convention center's door and quickly made his way to the auditorium. On his way there, he pulled out his smartphone and checked on his "Fantasy" Football team, shocked at how poorly his elves, orcs, and dwarves were performing this week. While he was busy sulking about his chances of winning, he ran into a fellow cosplayer, spilling his precious Starbucks all over his character. Instead of apologizing and quickly moving on, he noticed something strange about this man: He seemed pale and diseased, as if he were a walking corpse, but even stranger still was the unseemly plant stalk growing out of his neck. He tried getting his attention to ask about it when he felt a sharp pain in his head before experiencing utter darkness.
He awoke some time later in a dark room, feeling groggy, though he swore he heard something purring. When he looked around, he realized he was restrained at the arms and legs to some sort of operating table. Just as he was about to yell for help, he saw a LOLcat step out of his nightmares and into the light before him. However, the more he looked at it, the more he realized it was just some strange woman dressed as cat of some kind. Dumbfounded, James just lay there as this woman approached him. She slowly let out, "What, cat got your tongue?"
"Oh, surely you have got to be kitten me right meow!" James shouted.
Coyly, she responded, "I'm not. And don't call me Shirley. I," she said with a flourish of her tail and whiskers, "am the great Kitty Beaucoup!"
He asked nervously, "Are you lion to me? What am I even doing here? And why are you dressed up like that? Or are you one of those cosplayers?"
After licking her paws, she responded, "Well, you saw too much, so my boss said you have to go." With that, she unsheathed her long claws and approached him. "It's a shame, though; I really liked you, too."
Frantically, James blurted, "No! Wait, Kitty! You're about to make a cat-astrophic mistake!" After she stopped momentarily to think about his plea, he noticed something peculiar: "Um, Ms. Beaucoup, why are the restraints only placed over my limbs and not actually fastened?
Cattily, she simply told him, "Wow, I Sphinx you must have been out of it when you saw those. And how was I supposed to when I've got these bad boys?" again brandishing her feline weaponry, readying her attack.
With that, James saw his opportunity and took it: He sprung from the table and stuck the landing, all while deftly avoiding Kitty's pounce. As she turned around, James took out his emergency can of Friskies chicken dinner, peeled the lid off and tossed it at his opponent. As she fell prey to her feline instincts, grabbed the meal and ran off with it, James simply laughed at all the times his "normal" friends had made fun of him for that very bit of catnip. Turning, he tried to find his way out of this dark chamber when he saw another, much more sinister figure appear out of the darkness.
A fantastically foliaged man-like creature stepped out of the shadows and introduced himself, "Ah, Mr. Frond, it is a pleasure to finally meet you." He ignored James's shocked silence at the knowledge of his name and continued, "Let me cut to the chase. My name is Moldfinger and now that Kitty's gone, I'm moving to implement my final plan!" pointing to a timer above his head that simply and suspiciously read 0:07.
James responded defiantly, "You know I'll Flora you before you can hurt anyone else!"
Ignoring him, he continued, "I plan to implement something straight out of National Geographic's worst nightmare. Just like those 'zombie ants,' in a few minutes I will detonate bombs around the world that contain fungus that will infect everyone and destroy their sentience, leaving me with a an army to do my bidding!"
With a plan of action taking root in his head, James quipped, "There's not mush-room for the likes of you!"
The leafy man responded, "Ah, Mr. Frond, do not be such a poor spore-t! I'm a fun-guy! And in time, you too will take a lichen to my plan-t!"
James could not believe what he had heard. "What, do you expect me to stalk?"
"No, Mr. Frond I expect you to die!" With that, he made a move to take James out for good.
Spying some garden tools in the corner, James dove out of the way of Moldfinger's vine attack and made his way toward the lawnmower. Taking a quick inventory of his available weaponry, he dodged another incoming acorn. "Aw, nuts!" James shouted as he picked up his destructive implement.
Moldfinger saw what he was doing and cowered in fear. James smiled and approached, brandishing his hedge clippers and shouted, "I'll cut you down, Moldfinger! I'm going to use shear force to nip this in the bud!"
After pruning back the threat of Moldfinger, James laughed maniacally as he dismantled the time bomb. Basking in his success, he rose triumphantly and declared, "The morel of the story is that when an evil fun-guy comes to power, you have to cap it."