Saturday, April 27, 2013
I really shouldn't even be awake right now on a weekend, as the time should tell you. But my parents and I are going down to visit Montana at school for the weekend, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through. I can't make it through a couple of minutes without some tears falling down my face. It's so stupid that I feel like this, I know, and you've told me plenty that I shouldn't care about you as much as I do because there's someone else out there, someone who will look at me and think that I'm beautiful and worth their time and everything (I'm being ambiguous because we both know I'm not attracted to men that way).
But the thing is that I feel so heartbroken now. I haven't been acting normal, it's like I'm running on autopilot—no, more like I'm running on empty. Please let me explain, and I'd just like to ask in advance that you please don't say that any of this is your fault. It's not. It's mine.
As much as you don't want to admit that maybe, just maybe, somebody other than yourself caused me to feel this way, you really have no blame here (unless you want to put the fact that I feel this way and you don't at fault).
As I was saying, when you said that you had a crush on me during your junior (my sophomore) year, my heart started racing. I had been suppressing feelings for you since my sophomore year. You knew about my crush in freshman year. I just hid that it never left. I have never once stopped liking you; I just forced myself to think of other people. When I tell you about some girl that I think is cute or some boy that I think is very attractive, it's just that I'm trying to tell myself that there is no way that I will ever even come close to deserving you. As self-deprecating as you are (which breaks my heart, by the way), you're just so…perfect.
When we were "talking" over spring break (and I really hate that term, by the way—are teenagers just unable to call that 'flirting'? A while ago I told Ashley that Victoria was talking to Richard and she took that to mean that they were in that awkward pre-dating stage when I meant that Richard was having a conversation with Victoria…anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, when we were FLIRTING over spring break), there was a smile constantly plastered on my face, except for those rare moments when you made me cry. They were good things, really, unlike the past few days. It was when you were sympathizing with my plea to just be a teenager, no strings attached (those 'strings' being a plastic tube); when you were telling me that you thought I was beautiful; when I realized that things were finally working in my favor.
The thing was, that last Saturday of spring break I started thinking too much about our relationship. Not necessarily a 'Facebook official' relationship, but our relationship as friends, 'friends with benefits', potential lovers. I started thinking way too much and I worried that I would lose you as a friend if we were to ever get together and experience a bad break up. I've witnessed it happen before, with Hanna and Raul, or Montana and her ex-boyfriend Josh, or even me and 'Canada'. I haven't talked to him once since our break up, yet we had promised to stay friends.
But what I should have realized was that sometimes, a break up brings two people closer together. Take, for example, Justin and Graciela, or Hanna and Holly, or Tre and Sabrina (yes, they dated once, when I was in the seventh grade and before Tre realized that he was gay. They had a really rocky break up since first off, Sabrina didn't break up with him in person, and even then she had somebody else do it…not that she couldn't bring herself to do it, she was just being selfish).
And Hanna told me something yesterday that should have made me realize how idiotic I was. I know that you're probably thinking 'you're not an idiot, you just [insert rest of thought here]'. Don't say it. I was being an idiot. Hanna was justified in blaming me for this. Anyway, Hanna told me that if I try to live without consequences, I'll never do anything new. She gave the example of me cutting my hair. I was extremely nervous about it, because I liked having long-ish hair. It's the one part of being a girl I could tolerate. But I like having shorter hair better, because I never really have to bother with my appearance (well, that's not entirely true. Every morning, now that it's short, I have to straighten it, otherwise it looks like I was dragged through Dante's Inferno).
She gave other examples, too, but they're not as personal as me and cutting all my hair off. She said a lot of riskier things than a relationship, though: how can you go skydiving if you're worried about statistics? How can you drive a car if you're worried about accidents? How can you buy a house if you're worried that it won't be strong enough?
Basically, Hanna told me that I should have taken a chance with you because even though we obviously ran the risk of us breaking up and not being friends again, there was also the chance that something good would have happened. She said something very true: you are very forgiving, as am I. We would have found a way. Maybe we would have realized that we were right for each other. Maybe we would have fallen in love with one another. And maybe that's weird to think about, but please don't tell me that when I said I planned to wear white jeans and flat shoes to my wedding, you didn't imagine yourself standing across the aisle waiting for me (at the very least, I did. In fact, I mentioned the whole wedding thing because of you. When you mentioned your own wedding plans, wearing a black button up shirt and looking like Alice Cooper, I had a better visual. Let me tell you, we'd be quite a family. Also, I'm not sure if I could marry someone if my son would have the same name as their brother—kidding).
But Hanna's right, you know. We should have tried this when the feelings were mutual, but because of me, we didn't. The fault lies in me and my blind pessimism, not you. Please never blame yourself for this. I never really act like a girl (in fact, I abhor it), but the thing is that this entire thing happened because I was acting like a girl, and a stupid one at that. I doubt a boy would have behaved this way, getting overly attached to someone that they know they messed up with and then sobbing when it didn't work out.
Anyway, the real point behind this is the fact that I just can't bring myself to move on. You told me to talk to Justin because you thought that would help, but really, it just made things worse. He told me that it hurt me because it mattered to me. He said that when he and Graciela broke up, it took him a month to recover. That didn't help me at all, because in a month, you're graduating. And I don't want to think that when I go to the graduation ceremony this year I'll be crying because you still don't like me, not because you're leaving.
And I told this to Justin, but I don't know if you know it. He made it sound like he told you, but let's face it, it's Justin. He is more unpredictable than a four-year-old. Like I was saying, I told Justin that I'm trying to get over you but more tears just kept streaming down my face. Everyone came up and tried to console me, but I was inconsolable. Why?
The simple answer, of course, is that I like you and you don't like me. But that's happened before, and sometimes because of my own stupidity, too, so why should this time be different?
Because I have the potential to fall in love with you.
Okay, that was extremely blunt (although I'm pretty blunt, too, as I'm sure you know) and probably makes no sense. Let me explain.
On Tumblr I read this post once saying that your OTP is what you're looking for in a relationship (I'm sorry that most of my stories start this way, talking about Tumblr or shipping). Not to sound like a hipster, but my OTP is from a fandom I'm sure you've never heard of; it's kind of obscure. But basically, my OTP is us. It is really one of my few straight ships, and the girl is just like me: quiet and shy at first glance, a bit self-deprecating, but very intelligent, loving, and caring. And the important thing is that the boy is exactly like you: outgoing, honest, sensitive to others' feelings, intelligent, funny, considerate.
Don't tell Justin I said that.
I know that it's so stupid. But I can't bring myself to get over you because I'm wondering if you're the right one for me. You make me feel beautiful and wanted in ways that I've never felt before. You care about me, maybe not in that way, but in ways that I cannot even fathom. You keep saying that there is someone else out there for me, but I wonder if that's true.
I just thought to let you know that I'm dehydrated. I have been crying nonstop for a long time now because of that stupid OTP comparison, and on top of that, I haven't been eating or drinking anything, except for a small bit of what I bought at Chevron yesterday and some fruit snacks in Ms. Diaz's class because my blood sugar was low. Speaking of blood sugar, it's not healthy for me not to be eating, because I'm diabetic. Story of my life. 'I can't do this because I'm diabetic. I need to do this because I'm diabetic. People stare at me because I'm diabetic.' (That last one is true. People stare at the plastic tube on my hip all the time without realizing how uncomfortable it makes me. It makes me feel like less of a person when they do that because the tube is just a reminder that I'm not entirely right, that there's something wrong with me. But the thing is, you can look past that tube and care despite of it.)
Destiny has tried to console me, too. The entire world has, it seems. She even said to me (and I'm sorry I'm repeating it for you), "Matt's a loser." I know she was trying to help by saying basically what you said, that there's someone else for me. But really it just made me feel worse. The fact of the matter is, I am very attracted to you. You know the reasons why now. And you may tell me over and over that there is someone else out there for me, someone better. But the thing is that you and Destiny and everyone else don't see yourself the way that I do.
I've told you that I find you attractive, and that your personality traits mirror what I look for in a person. But you don't even know what I see when I look at you. You don't see the way that your eyes light up when you're talking about something you're passionate about. You don't see the look on your face when you're deep in thought. You don't see how it's apparent on your face that you're following along when you listen to somebody talk (which, by the way, is something else I love about you, because you're so much better at listening to somebody than I am). I know that these are just little things. I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth, but if I do, then it's you they add up to (sorry that I just quoted One Direction, but it was the only way I knew how to word this).
Speaking of things you can't see? You couldn't see those tears in your eyes in fifth period the other day, when I confessed these lingering feelings and I started tearing up. I don't know if you're aware of this, but yes, you cried. I don't know why, but you did. Speaking of, I can't stop thinking about the way your voice sounded when you asked me, "Are you crying?" It was as though someone took all the sadness in the world and put it in your voice, as though my tears broke your heart. For all I know, it may have. It was as though they took that and mixed it with concern. And I know you can't help it, but the way that you've been talking to me in that soothing baritone voice of yours and the way that your little subtle touches (like putting your hands on my shoulders and literally wiping my tears away) have made me fall for you even more.
I hope that you knowing this doesn't make things awkward for us. Like I've told you (and you've noticed) before, I'm not feminine. I'm a girl in the sense that my anatomy and chromosomes say so, and that I identify that way, but I'm not like other girls and I know that. I'm just saying this to let you know that my closest friends are boys. You and Justin are my best friends since I'm not feminine, Destiny and Abby being close behind. I don't trust anyone else the way that I trust you and Justin, not Abby or Destiny or Tre or Hanna or Yvonne.
I just want you to stop blaming yourself, and for you to stop telling me that there is 'someone else'. I'm an idiot, Matt. I should have known from the start that you wouldn't have wanted someone like me, because I'm a burden. I'm depressed, stressed, diabetic, self-deprecating, have jealousy and trust issues… There is just too much to me, and you deserve better.
Anyway, I just thought I ought to tell you all this, and I'm sorry that in its entirety it took four pages to tell you. It took me 2520 words, one hour and forty-six minutes, to tell you this.
And I know that you said you want to stay single for the rest of high school, and I respect that, but as a final note, Montana's friend Victoria thinks that we should be together and that this is just bad timing, along with the rest of the world (or fifth period), it seems. I honestly hope that that's true.
Love (or something) me.
Background: my best friend and I got into an unofficial relationship over spring break. I'm practically in love with him but I was so concerned about our friendship that I asked him if we could just be friends. I made the biggest mistake of my life by doing that. I begged for him back the other day, because I like him so much, but he said he doesn't feel the same anymore. Over the past few days, I have not stopped crying. And I wrote this for him because I want him to know that it's not his fault (he keeps blaming himself), why I care, and why I can't get over it. So...yeah.