Maybe I don't know what love is. Maybe I do not know what it truly means. I thought I did. I think I still do when it comes to you. But maybe I really don't. Maybe I'm not as old as I think I am, or as you think I am. Maybe I'm just 24 still trying to understand things. Maybe I'm 24 without much life experience, maybe. Maybe that's why I write the things I write. Maybe there is doubt. Otherwise why would I write them, right? I just thought in my head they are just stories and just random thoughts but maybe they are not and maybe I will never know why I write certain things and why I don't. Maybe I tried to convince myself that I love you. Maybe I actually do love you. But right now I can't decipher anything. And maybe you deserve better. Maybe you deserve to have somebody write grandeur things about you. Maybe I'm not that person to write it for you. And maybe you were right the other night and you just didn't know it. Maybe we don't have what it takes to make it, otherwise why would you say it, right?
Misconstrue what I say. You do it all the time. How many times are you going to take what I say as what I say and not as a defense against your accusations? One day that will happen, maybe not today but one day you will think that. Maybe it's already in your mind. How many times will I try to prove things over and over and over again? Do I have to repeat it for it to be true? Or, can you see it in my actions and what I say and how I say them, or maybe you can't see it at all. But maybe that's the problem - I'm not convincing you enough. But how do I convince you? How many times do I have to convince you? And that's another problem.
I'm a little bit tired. I'm a little bit broken. Aren't you? Aren't you exhausted? I'm exhausted. In general in everything I am tired. And I don't think I realized how tired I was until the other day. I don't think I've racked my brains out as much as I did this week. And I know that relationships are hard. And I know that there are ups and downs. But I've noticed more bad than good lately. Am I just seeing that or do you see it too?
There are things that I want to do and many things that I want. I want to go on vacation. I want to tell my parents about you eventually. I want my friends to like you because they actually know you and see you and hang out with you not because they like you because they kind of met you and you were nice that one time they met you. I don't want to be a boring couple. I want to go do things. Many things. I want you to cook me a dinner that isn't just spaghetti. I want you to brush your teeth so that your teeth don't fall out. You think your teeth are nice now but wait till you get older and you would've wished you brushed your teeth. I want you to not think reading is boring and a waste of time because reading is awesome and takes you into different worlds. But I can't just make you do things you don't want to do. I can only love you just because you're you and I thought I've done that. But like I said maybe I'm not convincing enough for you. You can't change unless you want to and I can't will you to change. I'm sure there are things you wish about me, like how I hate can't watch your favorite types of movies - horror. Or maybe you don't wish things about me, then I guess I'm just a terrible person. You probably already think that now as you are reading this.
And I was fine with just taking things slowly but you need more. You constantly need more. And maybe that's another problem. Maybe I can't give you more, the kind of more that you need. I sent you a song. I sent you inspiration and it's like it was never there at all. It makes me think that you need me more than you should. I need you too. I need you in that aching kind of way too. But you need me in a different kind of way and I don't know if that's healthy and I don't know if I can even give you that. I'm sorry you were bored all those days in my apartment just waiting for me to come home. But I've waited for you too several times and each and every time I was happy when you came home and enjoyed every minute of it. You'll probably say the same, but you will just mostly remember how you waited and how you were bored while you waited.
I don't know what this response is supposed to generate. What I've just said did not come up with any real decision. Maybe I don't think we have what it takes to make it either. Maybe there are too many questions. And maybe those questions don't come from you. Maybe they mostly come from me. I'm sorry if that's the case. I'm truly sorry because at this point I don't know what to do. I think I know what I need to do and then a minute later I change my mind. But I have to wake up in like 3 hours. And then I have to go to work. And I think I've cried out my last tears. So this is what I have to say and if you respond then you respond, but I probably won't look at your response because I'll be at work. And even if I look at the response no matter what it says I cannot cry. Not at work, and I don't know if I will even cry when I get home.
Maybe we are just too different. Maybe we are from two different worlds. Maybe it just won't work out.