Real facts about ninjas:

Fact number 1 - I am a ninja.

One of my friends missed me while I was traveling in Australia, she told me that I should just be a ninja and bring Australia to Canada.

My response was as follows:

Bringing Australia to Canada would be very ninja like, resulting in the deaths of millions of people and animals, but it lacks that certain ninja subtlety where people don't actually notice how or when they died. It would also probably launch a large scale investigation in to how it happened, not that they would ever catch me, but I would rather spare others the paperwork.

At this point she had the clever idea to blame Australia's sudden relocation on continental drift. Apparently she was not aware that ninjas ARE in fact responsible for continental drift. In fact, I told you that whole story just so I could tell you about how exactly the continents started drifting.

What follows is a true story backed up by multiple libraries worth of scientific proof which was all subsequently destroyed by ninjas in order to keep the secret.

Fact number 2 - Ninjas are responsible for the shifting tectonic plates. Thousands of years ago before tectonic plates existed a ninja was frustrated when he couldn't find anyone suitable to test his strength and skills against. In his frustration he struck the ground with the tip of the nail on his pinky finger. The resulting impact shattered what was then known as a "tectonic Ming vase" in to "tectonic tea cups". Later, we decided that "tea cups" sounded too British, so we re-named them "tectonic plates". The movement of the plates today is actually caused by residual force of the initial impact.

It also killed all the dinosaurs.

Fact number 3 - Ninjas killed all the dinosaurs.

Fact Number 4 - Co-incidentally, this story is also where "pinky swears" come from, because after the ninja struck the tectonic Ming case with his "pinky", all of the dinosaurs knew what was coming and were totally like "ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..." So his pinky caused them to swear. Pinky swear.

It's the truth.

Don't tell anybody though, it's kind of, like, a secret.

So, when you say "blame it on continental drift" you are basically saying "blame it on ninjas". Which is true, but it would be wise not to say it, provided you want to live another 24 hours.

Later that year, another of my friends wished me a "happy birthday". Apparently either she didn't know that I am a ninja, or she didn't know the following fact.

Fact number 5 - Ninjas don't have birthdays. They have death days. Days where death tries to take them by making them a year older, and they kill it so badly it doesn't come back for another whole year.

Fact number 8 - Nothing can make Glee better. Nothing except ninjas. Ninjas could kill the characters, then kill the actors, writers, directors, producers, network agents, affiliates, and sponsors.

Ninjas could make Glee better.

The same could be said of Twilight.

Fact number 9 – Facts number 6 and 7 are there, but you can only read them if you are a ninja.

Fact number 10 – You are not a ninja.

Fact number 11 – Ninjas can kill anything, even other ninjas.

Fact number 12 – Nothing can kill ninjas, including other ninjas.

Fact number 13 – Facts number 11 and 12 are not contradictory, they simply apply a higher form of logic that only ninjas possess. If you try to apply or understand this logic and you are not a ninja (see fact number 10) you will die of a brain aneurism.

Fact number 14 – One can not become a ninja. Ninjas are born.

When a ninja is born, in order to prove itself, the ninfant must travel back in time through sheer force of neo-natal will, kill, and bring back the head of a dinosaur. The ninfant presents its mother with the still warm dino-cranium as a token of victory, thus proving that the ninfant is a ninja.

The dinosaurs went extinct when an overzealous ninfant decided to bring back EVERY dino-cranium (this fact does not contradict facts number 2-4, see fact number 13). The hospital didn't have enough room for all the dino-craniums and exploded when the ninfant returned to present them to his mother.

My mother was very proud.

Fact number 15 – I killed all the dinosaurs.

I am glad to have provided you with valuable information about ninjas. Hopefully, if you are lucky, this information might just save your life. There may be more added to this document as I choose to enlighten the general populace about ninja history and ninja life. Until then, for your own safety please remember, ninjas can't catch you if you are on fire.