Script for the Final Play
Appreciation and Enjoyment of Theater
Princesses sit at table frozen while Charming walks in and begins introduction.
Charming: Once upon a time there were three princesses and an outcast. And a handsome and charming TV producer (but more on him later). After their happily ever afters, the princesses found themselves very bored and the outcast was in dire need of money to fund her extravagant lifestyle. So in an effort to keep themselves busy and funded, they decided to get jobs. Due to their already high profiles, television seemed like a perfect fit. They all received parts on the new women's daytime talk show, "The Shoe".
Charming steps aside and the princess come to life.
Ariel: Hello and welcome to "The Shoe". My name is Ariel and these are my co- hosts Belle, Snow White, and… Well it looks like Alice isn't in yet this morning, but I'm sure she has a good reason for being late…
Princesses look annoyed and roll eyes before freezing.
Charming: Now back to that handsome producer… When going through the auditioning process, no one informed him (and by him I mean me) that Alice had *ahem* been down the rabbit hole one too many times. Perhaps he should have realized her proclivity to party, when she showed up drunk to her interview, but she was a pretty face perfect for television… Cute, young, but unreliable.
Alice stumbles in looking hungover while the other princesses wake up.
Ariel: Oh good, you've arrived. How are you feeling this morning?
Alice grunts and slides into her chair.
Belle: How is she functioning this morning?
Scene freezes, Charming enters
Charming: Well, according to the Twitter-verse, Alice was "partying with the Mad Hatter, yo. #DrinkMe #Trippin #YOLO" last night. I suppose that would explain her current state.
Charming exits, scene resumes.
Ariel: In today's celebrity news, the cover of Damsel Magazine is featuring a full color photo of Mulan protesting at a same sex equality rally in downtown Far Far Away.
Belle: Now I give her a lot of credit for doing this. It takes a lot of courage and honor to stand up for your beliefs like that.
Snow: Yeah, but did you see what she was wearing?!
Ariel: Oh I know! Flip flops and capris? Really?
Quick aside from Charming
Charming: Yeah, what is she? A soccer mom from the early 2000s?
Return to scene
Belle: So this is what we are taking from this then?
Ariel: When you are part of our world in the spotlight, you always have to dress to impress. Cameras are everywhere.
Snow: And white after Labor Day? That's against the rules! Won't the fashion police arrest her for that?!
Ariel: Oh honey, the fashion police aren't real…
Belle: Yeah, I just told you that because your dress was absolutely awful!
Scene freezes. Charming enters.
Charming: You see, although Snow White is the princess with the most seniority, she is rather ditzy; yet another fact that wasn't mentioned in the auditioning process. At first, many of us here at Happily Ever After Studios were nervous that she would hurt the ratings, but she's pretty much harmless so we let her stay. In other news, according to Alice's relationship status, she is now: "it's complicated with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum." Is she just confused or is she actually dating both of them?
Charming exits, scene resumes.
Belle: Something that is worth bringing up, next week there's going to be a gala to raise funds and awareness for oceanic pollution.
Ariel: Oh that's right! And as many of you know, this is a really important issue to me. I still have a lot of friends and family who live down there and pollution is becoming a big problem for them. Between the oil spills and the other pollutants, the coral crops are all dying and it is ruining my people's way of life.
Belle: And let's not forget about how this can affect the lives of everyone who lives on the surface as well. Many of us eat fish, no offense, and this is poisoning a major food source.
Snow: Oh goodness, yes! And believe me, I understand the importance of knowing what is in your food. Speaking as a person with experience in this department, I can tell you poisoned food can be deceiving and is no fun at all! Even when you think your food is safe, it can kill you out of nowhere! There was this one time I tried to eat an apple that a kind old woman gave me. I just wanted to be nice, I mean, I don't even like apples all that much. She just seemed so excited and so I didn't want to seem ungrateful but it was horrible! I just stopped breathing!
Ariel: Why don't you take a moment to collect yourself while we hear from our sponsors. Coming up after the break, how to know if you are dating a prince or a pauper.
Charming: Ariel is probably the only host on this show who the producers are not worried about too much. She is always poised and calm. The audience loves her because she is who they aspire to be. Overcoming adversity to be with her one true love? The public eats that stuff up.
Charming walks towards set and everyone is "awake" and interacting.
Setting is on set during a commercial break.
Charming: That first segment was a bit rough, but I'm sure you ladies can pull it together for the next one, right? Alice? Alice! Could you please stop texting for one minute while I try and get my point across?
Alice: I have to pee… gets up and walks out.
Belle: Well, she's coming back stoned…
Charming: Belle, don't even start. I'm getting pretty sick of your snarky comments every two minutes. Look, when you act like all of this is beneath you just because it's not political or meaningful enough, the audience doesn't respond well. Some women just want to know what dresses are in style this year.
Snow: Dresses? Oh I love dresses! I was really hoping that the dropped waist gowns would make a comeback this year, but it's mermaid gowns again. Oh! I'm sorry, no offense, Ariel…
Charming: Oh, yes Snow. That's nice. Okay, ladies, one minute until we are back on the air. Let's try and keep it a bit more focused this time, shall we? Where's Alice? Walks over to door. Alice!
Alice enters a bit more distracted than before.
Charming exits and scene resumes.
Ariel: Welcome back! Today we are talking about how to know whether or not your man is truly your Prince Charming, or in my case, Prince Eric.
Snow: I knew I was in love with a prince the moment he rode up on a steed and started singing at me in the middle of a secluded forest. Isn't that all it takes?
Ariel: If only that were so, my dear, but for many women it is not that easy…
Belle: Yeah, if that happened to me I would probably think "axe murderer" before I thought "prince".
Snow: Oh. So how can you tell when you man is the perfect prince for you?
Alice: I think the only way to know is to feel it in your heart. If you are in a committed relationship that it based upon a mutual trust and understanding and it is meant to be, you will just know.
Everyone's jaw drops and they all stare at Alice.
Alice: What? Hash makes me deep…
Charming enters. Scene freezes.
Charming: Oh! Apparently Alice was "toking in the bathroom at work. Man I miss that caterpillar…" Right.
Charming exits, scene resumes.
Belle: I would, surprisingly, agree with Alice in this instance. I think that it takes mutual trust and kindness in order to build a relationship that will determine the answer to the question "Prince or Pauper?". Take me and Adam for example: At first I hated him! Couldn't stand to be in the same room. But after a time of getting to know and trust him (and after he learned to control is temper), I realized he is the only one for me.
Ariel: But why waste your time trying to get to know someone you can't stand? Later, our guest the Fairy Godmother will help to clarify this situation by giving you the tools to figure out this conundrum in six easy steps. She will also be taking us on an exclusive behind the scenes tour of Bippidy Boppidy Brew, her new tea shop in the heart of downtown. Isn't that exciting?
Belle: Maybe, if it were Bippidy Boppidy Brewery…
Ariel: You know what, Belle? I'm getting really tired of your attitude! You are always saying things that you should probably be keeping to yourself. This is a show for ladies of repute who want nothing more than to keep up on the latest fashions and the gossip. They don't need you pushing your opinions like safer working conditions for the dwarves or Bambi's gun control laws. If you don't like being here, quit! I'm sure that if she could stay awake through the show, Sleeping Beauty would love your job!
Belle: You really wanna' go, fish face?
Ariel and Belle begin to fight while Snow interjects many "Oh"s and "Goodness"es. Alice sit under the table talking to herself and plays on her cell phone.
Charming enters and the scene freezes.
Charming: Now normally, when a fight to breaks out on a respected television program, you cut to commercial and then just start rolling a rerun. But ever since the invention of YouTube, producers have realized the value of "bad" press. People talking about the crazy things that happened on your show only encourages them to watch in case more crazy things happen. Why, just last month we had Peter Pan on the show. After the clip of him jumping on the couches screaming about how he could fly hit the internet, our viewer-ship went up 20%. But I guess that's show business for you. I wish I could tell you that everyone goes on to live happily ever after, but that wouldn't be completely honest.
Ariel smiles and nods to the audience before sitting politely in her seat
Ariel ends up hosting her own TV show which turns out to be a major flop due to the fact that people don't really want to hear about fashion and gossip ALL the time.
Belle walks in front of the table and leans on it
Belle ends up doing a stint in county for some questionable protesting methods and ultimately ends up being a lobbyist for the Alternative Families Campaign, co-founded by Tarzan and Mowgli.
Snow White smiles and waves to the audience
Snow White ends up locking herself away in her house living an agoraphobic lifestyle, ordering all her clothes online and threatening the girl scouts who come to her door trying to sell cookies.
Alice crawls out from under the table dusts herself off
Alice ends up writing some very successful children's books and poems. One of her books is even dedicated to, "The three princesses who showed me what crazy looks like. Thank you for steering me away from your collected career trajectories." That's it, I suppose. Now is the time where we say…
Ariel: The end.
Belle: The end.
Snow: The end.
Alice: The end.
Charming: The end.