Today was a nightmare. Today I was having trouble keeping anything down, even the ginger ale Kat suggested. Everything just tasted off today. I read online somewhere that somewhere around twelve or thirteen weeks the morning sickness goes away. I was only on week seven. I was trying to be excited, however, because I knew a week from today I'd get to see an ultrasound but the thought made me even sicker. I was so nervous about next week. My mom and Kat both already agreed to go and Avery was begging to tag along but I wasn't sure about that yet. I didn't want it to get too crowded. Plus Avery was getting on my nerves lately. She kept telling me that I needed to talk to Logan, but it wasn't exactly any of her business was it?
Even though she was kind of right. I could already see my belly starting to swell. Not so much that people would really notice but I definitely did. And so did my parents. We had all decided to wait until after the ultrasound to tell Frankie because then we'd at least have a picture to show him. He was so young so we'd never really had the "where do babies come from" talk. I was really nervous about it. I was also nervous about telling the rest of my family, a task my dad insisted I take on myself. It was my mistake and I needed to own up to it. That's easier said than done, considering how old fashioned my grandmother was.
I washed my hands quickly as I finished emptying my stomach in the girls' bathroom. I'd missed most of my first class which was good because I hated English but Mr. McGlothlin wouldn't exactly understand if I told him it was "female issues". I apologized profusely when I returned to my seat under his beady, angry stare. Thankfully I only had five minutes left of class and nearly bolted when he dismissed us. He was one of those obnoxious teachers who didn't let you leave when the bell rang. If one person got up to leave without his say so, he'd make us sit for four minutes giving everyone one minute to get to their next class. Everyone hated him.
"Hey Sarah," I froze before turning the corner to my next class when I heard his voice. I was usually happy to see him, despite the conversation I kept putting off. But today when I turned around I felt my heart in my throat. "Do you know Camille?" Logan asked me, politely introducing me to his girlfriend and giving me the worst guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"No, I don't think so. Hi." I smiled kindly at her and she faked interest in me. She was probably wondering why her super dreamy boyfriend was talking to such a loser. She looked like one of those girls. Her hair was brunette and perfectly curled and her eyes were green with just the right amount of make-up. She even wore heels. Freaking heels! How was I supposed to compete with a girl like her? Not that I was really trying or anything….
"Hey. Come on, Logan. I've gotta get to my locker." She tugged him along and I noticed their hands tightly wound. I found back a grimace.
"Right. I'll see you at lunch, Sarah." I gave him a half hearted smile and walked away. I made it halfway to my class before I had to make a bee line for the bathroom. Damn morning sickness.
"She's not that pretty." Avery argued as we got our lunch. I kept it simple and only got an apple and a bottled water.
"We both know that's a lie. She's gorgeous." I glanced at Camille from across the cafeteria. She had a bunch of girlfriends hanging around and they all looked super happy. I never understood what they were always laughing about. Pretty soon I'm sure it'll be me.
"Whatever. I think you're way hotter. Plus, you're carrying his baby. That's an automatic win." I gave her a warning look. At least she was smart enough to lower her voice. We sat at our table and Avery continued the conversation with our friends. "Toby, tell Sarah that Camille isn't that hot."
"Camille Stanley or Camille Ward?"
"Oh, she's smokin' hot." Chad interrupted. I rolled my eyes.
"No she's not. Sarah, you're way hotter." Avery tried convincing me.
"Just give it a rest, Avery." She stuck her tongue out at me.
"Is this about Logan?" Jen asked, looking at me for the first time in three days. She was still a little uncomfortable with the whole baby thing.
"It doesn't matter." I said, trying to convince myself that the words were true. It did matter though. If he had a girlfriend, I would be driving a wedge between them. And she was the kind of person that had the power to turn the whole school against me.
"Hey guys." I felt a chill as Logan walked up then, thankful he hadn't come any sooner. He sat beside me and started up a conversation with Toby. Avery nudged me with her knee and nodded her head at Logan. I knew what she was trying to say. I shook my head, hoping she would take the hint.
"So, Logan," Avery started, effectively cutting off whatever they were talking about. I glared at her. "Do you wanna go see a movie with Sarah and me tomorrow night?"
"Uhh, sure I guess. Just no chick flicks, alright?" He chuckled and returned to his conversation with Toby. We swapped numbers after that so he could pick us up tomorrow and then left us to go sit with Camille.
"Seriously Avery? I told you I didn't want to do it with you around." I didn't want to sound mean but I was kind of annoyed.
"Relax. I'll fake sick and it'll just be the two of you. You can't wait any longer." She motioned to my belly and my eyes, along with everyone else's traveled to find my bump straining slightly against my shirt. I needed to go shopping for new clothes soon.
Despite Avery's despicable interfering, I was sort of thankful that she had done this for me. She was right about this. I really did need to talk to him, I was just too scared. I tried telling myself that her pushing me was a good thing. Which is why I let her convince me to accept her help while I got ready Saturday afternoon.
"I think I'm gonna be sick." I groaned as she French braided my hair.
"Is it morning sickness or nerves?" She asked, glancing at me through my vanity mirror.
"Nerves. Definitely nerves." She chuckled and shook her head.
"Sorry. The only cure for nerves I know of is alcohol. And you can't have any of that." She winked at me and tied the end of my hair. "Now, will you please let me at least put a little bit of mascara on you? And maybe some blush?"
"No, Avery. I don't want him to think I'm trying too hard." I said and stood up. I wore a flowing blouse over loose jeans. All of my pants were starting to get a little snug. I wondered how much longer I had until I had to buy elastic jeans.
"Alright. But one day I'm going to do your make-up. Even if I have to tie you to a chair." I chuckled and looked at my phone.
"He'll be here in ten minutes. You should probably go or he'll never believe you're sick." She frowned and I walked her down.
"I still wish I could be there to see his reaction. I could go and hide if you want. That way you'll have a ride in case he ditches you." She backtracked when she saw the worried look on my face. "Which he wouldn't do of course!"
"Sure, now go before he gets here and you get stuck going with us." I said, practically shoving her out the door. She gave me a quick hug and a 'good luck' before taking off.
My teeth were practically chattering I was shaking so hard. I was so nervous to see Logan and I couldn't find any way to calm myself down. I tried pacing. It was distracting enough, but just barely. It was only three minutes after he said he would be here that I heard the knock on the door. I took a deep breath before opening it.
Oh, why did he have to give me that earth shatteringly gorgeous smile? How am I supposed to act natural after that? I gave him a weak smile back but he didn't notice.
"Hey, you ready to go?" I nodded and followed him to his car. "Is Avery meeting us there then?"
"Uhm.. No. She's not feeling well. If you don't wanna go anymore, that's cool. I mean—"
"Oh no, it's cool. We're friends right? Two friends can go see a movie together can't they?" I shrugged and he chuckled. "Come on. Do you know what you wanted to see?"
We ended up watching some comedy with Adam Sandler in it and I learned that was one of Logan's favorite actors. I didn't pay attention to most of the movie, however. I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts. What will he think? Will he pretend like I don't exist after tonight? Will he want to help raise the baby? Is his girlfriend going to kill me?
"So, I guess you didn't like the movie?" I glanced up at Logan as the credits rolled. He was looking at me with concern. "You didn't laugh at all. And that was one of his best." I smiled shyly and shrugged.
"I guess I just have a lot on my mind." He stared at me, almost expectantly. It was like he could tell something was coming. "Do you wanna go get a burger or something?" I offered, hoping we could talk over food. I was pretty hungry.
"Sure. Let's go." I followed him out of the theater and we walked down the street to a McDonalds. My stomach was already growling at the thought of French fries. "So, you wanna tell me what's up?" He asked as we sat with our food. I had already finished my burger and was onto the fries. As I looked at him, I started to wonder if I should just forget about telling him. Pretend I had a one night stand with a guy I didn't know. He would never have to carry the burden. I wouldn't have to turn his life upside down. But then I put myself in his shoes. If someone was having my baby, I'd want to know about it.
"Well, I'm not really sure… I mean, I don't know how you'll react and that scares me." I admitted. His expression was thoroughly confused.
"It can't be that bad can it?" I'm not sure what my face looked like but he must have seen something in my expression that worried him. "Sarah, what's wrong?"
"Logan…I—I'm pregnant." I looked at my food, afraid to look him in the eye. He didn't say anything for a few minutes. I chewed on my lip anxiously and when my curiosity won out, I glanced up to meet his gaze. He was still staring at me but I could see the horror in his eyes. I was a little glad he already figured out that the baby was his. I didn't want to have that conversation. I also didn't want to be reminded that the first time I ever had sex I got knocked up. "Uhmm… Logan?"
He let out a harsh breath, as if he'd been holding it in a while. His eyes risked a glance down at my belly and I was grateful for the flowing shirt. I watched his face as he processed and reprocessed and then he gulped.
"A-are you sure?"
"Positive." I didn't laugh at the pun, although I wished I hadn't said it. It made him flinch slightly. "I've already seen the doctor. I'm seven weeks along." I watched as he processed the new information. He took a long time. Finally he looked away from me and at his food. He seemed to be shaking his head, almost in disbelief. Suddenly he dropped his head in his hands and propped his elbows on the table. I slouched, feeling like a terrible person.
We sat in silence for a while and he didn't move. I nibbled on my fries while I waited for him to calm down. I understood what he was feeling. The shock is numbing. I just hoped he would snap out of it sooner than I did.
After what felt like an eternity, he looked up at me. He looked tired, like he was ready to pass out.
"What are you going to do?" His voice was strained. I had been expecting this question and was surprised at how much it hurt. He seemed to notice that and backtracked quickly. "What I mean is, what do you want to do? The decision to…to keep it….Well, that's entirely up to you."
"I'm not getting an abortion." I said and watched him flinch again. "I don't know if I'm keeping it though. Maybe I'll put it up for adoption." But even as I said this, I knew I didn't want to. I didn't like the idea of my baby being out in the world and I could never see it. My hand automatically went to my stomach. The movement didn't go unnoticed. He pursed his lips as he stared at my hand.
"Well, like I said. It's up to you." He paused and sighed, still trying to wrap his head around the whole thing. "And I'm assuming here that it's mine, otherwise you wouldn't be talking to me about this. So if you want to keep it…I'm here." His voice broke at the end of his sentence and I felt my heart lurch.
"Look, I'm not telling you this because I expect anything from you. I just thought you should know. You don't have to do anything." I spit the words at him and he flinched again. "Just forget it ok." I stood then and threw my stuff away. I walked out the door and heard him following close behind.
"Wait, I didn't mean—" I stopped to look at him but just as he was about to explain himself, his phone started ringing. I saw the terrified look on his face as he told me it was his mom. I knew that feeling too. I waited while he spoke to her briefly, kind of curious what he would say. But he kept it casual, somehow controlling his voice enough not to alarm her. "I have to go pick up my little sister. She was staying the night at a friend's house and got sick." He explained and I frowned. We stood there awkwardly for a minute, not looking at each other. "Let me take you home."
I was a little uneasy about being in the car with him but I didn't exactly want to walk home either. The car ride was eerily quiet. Neither of could find our voice. Even when he dropped me off he didn't know what to say after what I'd just dropped on him. I felt the tears rushing to my eyes before I could stop them and hurried into the house without saying good bye.
"Sarah?" I heard my mom's voice full of concern but I couldn't see her passed the tears. Her arms were around me before I even stepped away from the door. She helped me get upstairs and sat on my bed and let me cry for a while. When the tears finally slowed she asked me what happened and I unloaded on her. I told her about Logan and his girlfriend. I told him about Avery pressuring me into talking to him. And I told her about how he reacted to the news. She didn't seem comfortable hearing about any of it but she listened and held me while I cried.
"And now I feel like such an idiot! I should have never said anything!" I sobbed and she hugged me close.
"It's good that you told him, Sarah. You're right, he should know about this. Now it's up to him if he's going to be a man and take care of his mistake." I frowned and she stroked my hair. "Just give him time to process everything. You've had time to think about this. He hasn't."
We sat in my bed in silence for a while and I tried to think that maybe she was right. Maybe he just needed time and he would come around. I also tried not to think of his girlfriend.
I was just starting to drift asleep when I heard a knock at the door.
"Uhm, Sarah? Logan's here." I glanced up to see my sister in the doorway. As she stepped aside, Logan appeared and I felt my heart in my throat. He entered the room slowly and out of the corner of my eye I saw Kat eyeing him warily. My mom kissed my forehead and stood up. I could tell, as she looked between Logan and I, that she wasn't too thrilled about there being a boy in my room but honestly, I was already pregnant. With a sigh, she seemed to realize this and she and Kat left the room. Logan watched them go before turning to me. His face contorted in pain and I wondered idly what my face must look like after all the tears.
"Can I sit?" He asked after a moment. I nodded and sat up, brushing the tears away. "I'm sorry I had to leave you like that. I'm sorry I made you cry." I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, feeling awkward. I didn't like people seeing me cry.
"It's fine. No biggie."
"Sarah," He chastised. I glanced up at him and saw so many things on his face: regret, concern, confusion, exhaustion. "I meant what I said. Although, it may have come out wrong. But come on, can you really blame me? This is…this is a big deal. And I didn't know what to think." He shook his head, almost as if trying to figure it all out. I chewed on my lip and we both fell into silence.
"So, if I decide to raise this baby…." I trailed off, wanting to hear him say it.
"Then I will be there to help you raise our baby." He said, looking me dead in the eye. This time I believed him.
"You really don't have—"He put a finger over my lips.
"I'm sticking with you through this." His face shifted again to something I couldn't read. "Unless….you didn't want me to… I mean, it's your choice." He sounded almost sad about that.
"If you want to be there for me, for…us, then I'd like you to be. But only because you want to." I told him honestly.
"Well, ok then. It's settled." He leaned forward and wiped a stray tear away with his thumb.
"What about your girlfriend?" He froze and his eyes widened.
"Shit, I forgot about her. She's going to kill me…." He glanced at me face and backtracked again. "She doesn't change anything though. This isn't about her. And she's for me to deal with." I chewed on my lip again.
"So where does that leave us?" I asked, tugging at that loose thread on my bed.
"We're friends…having a baby together." He answered, but it almost came off as a question. I nodded.
"Ok." I looked up and we both tried to smile but there was no humor here.
"Do you mind if I sit with you for a bit? I'm too much of a chicken to face your family right now. I'm assuming by the way your sister glared at me they know who I am." I chuckled then and he couldn't help but smile.
"Yeah, they do. And sorry about Kat. She's a little over protective. But she means well." He nodded and I motioned for him to sit beside me against the head board. We spent a couple hours just talking with a few odd silences. No one bothered us while we talked and we avoided talking about anything baby related. It was nearing midnight when he decided to take off and only because I kept falling asleep on him.
"So I guess I've gotta tell my parents….any advice?" He ran his hand through his hair, obviously nervous but trying to play it cool.
"Not really. It's going to suck as much as you think it will. Good luck." I offered with a sympathetic smile. I wondered if I should have offered to be there when he told them but the selfish side of me didn't want to be part of that. Besides, he wasn't there for me so it's fair right?
"Thanks." He chuckled awkwardly. I walked him downstairs and I noticed my family watching us with curiosity. He stood beside me, trying to act brave and I all but pushed him out the door.
"You can meet them officially later. It's late." I said and he visibly relaxed.
"Well, good night then. I'll see you at school." He started to walk away before stopping and pulling me into a big embrace. I returned it, feeling real comfort for the first time in weeks. "I'm so, so sorry for putting you through this, Sarah." My eyes stung with tears again.
"It wasn't all your fault." I clung to him a moment longer before we broke apart and I bid him a good night. I walked back in the house and closed the door. My parents were eyeing me expectantly but I didn't want to talk to them. I said a quick good night before dashing up to my room. Suddenly I felt a little better about this baby.