Did I share too much that one day it will come back to haunt me? How much sharing are you supposed to do with siblings? I'm no smarty but I observe that I'm different. Teaching me about right and wrong promotes me to see the flaws in you. What about the flaws in me. So hard and harsh yet so disbelieving and beautiful at the same time. Don't I get to win my own battles instead of fighting others? Cries. Forget and forgive. Forgive but don't forget. Cries inside. I taught myself well. Don't cry in front of others. Be aware of your face being clenched in disgust and derision as stuff like this happens then break down later, in the future. Don't sit next to others for a long time or they will expect something from you. Cries is my full stop. I'm not strong for being brave. I'm not pretty for trying too hard. I'm not pure. I'm trying to be religious but I'm failing miserably. I've always thought that under eye dark circles look nice. Like you've been working hard but at a computer screen. Flat stomach. Thigh gap. Straight white teeth. Collarbones. They need each other so don't spread rumors. What about me when that time and so many other times I was forgotten as a child and treated like a reluctant adult. What then that were no unforeseeable drastic consequences for me? Cries. Once, I was smelly and probably still am. Papa made faces when I was within range of his power. Faces that everyone at school made. Faces that I now see and observe and recognize. Faces that shaped me. Once, she said I was supposed to be a miscarriage. That she bled for days in-between her pregnancy. You were never mine. Always share and what not. A mistake never mine. You always fought. I am slow. Speech problems in the beginning until now. Too quiet. Invisible. Forgotten. Reluctant to socialize. Trouble concentrating. Weak.
Once. I was greedy and mean and oh so stupid stupid. Shouldn't have been born. What am I bringing. Once. Being the oldest. Its not fair being the oldest my parents expect too much from me, I mean I'm just 14 stop blaming me for everything that goes wrong it's just not fair. I have to little sisters I get along with the middle but with the baby I don't I'm four years older and she treats me like crap she cusses at me always reminds me that I'm fat but what does my mother do she laughs it off or what? Blames me. They don't understand my parents are both the youngest of their families it just gets to be too much I mean I'm expected to get a scholarship, get a job, not get pregnant, not have a boyfriend not have anything and I can never make no mistake. I can never get along with my sister because everything is handed to her on a pedestal she goes to my room and took my lamp and all my magazines and things I get them back but I'm the one who gets in trouble for going into her room and getting it back…..motherfucking bullshit! I never signed up to take care of them, to have this responsibility because apparently I can't make mistakes because they are learning from me and I should always be there for them. BUT WHO IS GONNA BE THERE FOR ME. I have no one to talk to who am I going to look up to who am I going to look up to for advice or if I need someone nobody I still growing up I'm still a kid this is way too much for me. My parents just got done yelling at me they don't know that sometimes their words hurt. "You are the oldest its your job to be responsible why d you not like you little sister its cause you're jealous". And you know what they're right I am jealous I want to be loved like my little sister is, I want my parents to take care of me like that I want to be treated cause honestly I am so scared and I don't grow up you don't know how much I wish for somebody to understand and I just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on. They don't know that one day their words are just going to push me to edge and I might end it all I just want somebody to love me and protect me like they do to her. I'm the guinea pig for my parents. If they screw up something with me. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I was not the oldest child. Things I can thank my 3 younger siblings for, I love embarrassing my little sister. I wanted to be a psychologist so I could study what the fuck is wrong with me. I still think about what happened in the past because I haven't forgotten. After crying about it, it feels like it never happened. Next day, I feel like I didn't even cry. That is was all just a dream.