AN: Hey :) This is my first attempt at romantic comedy. This story's so much different from all of the others I'm currently working on, so please-pretty please-don't judge too harshly. I don't mind if you have some negative comments, just don't be too mean to me haha. I'm also not sure whether or not to actually continue this story. It'll take some work, that's for sure. If anyone wants to see more, please let me know :)
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptap. TAP!
I typed angrily away on my keyboard. What the hell am I doing here? I thought dismally to myself. This is the suckiest job I've ever had. You know you just wanna quit, or maybe do something uber retarded to get yourself fired. Hmmm. I don't know what I could do that wouldn't make me want to disown myself though…
I stared pensively at my computer screen for a long moment, and then sighed heavily. Nope, nothing coming to me. I leaned back in my swivel chair. I'd always loved swivel chairs. They were always so amusing, especially when I was constantly trying to make myself hurl from spinning in them non-stop. I was always doing it during work hours, just to kill time and to procrastinate. I supposed I could try to raise my depressed mood by doing just that, but that day I wasn't really feeling it.
I bit my lip and decided to take a swig of my hot chocolate. That ought to cheer me up. I sipped at it. It was cold and nasty and made me wrinkle my nose. Nope. Not even crappy chocolate can make this day better. Surprise, surprise. I huffed dejectedly and practically threw the mug back down on my desk. I winced as I saw it splatter all over everything. All well, things can't get much worse. My eyes widened and I glanced around myself. Holy schnikies, did I just jinx myself? Oh, God, I hope not. I don't think I can survive if this day got even worse.
I slouched down in my chair. I hope no one notices me. I hope no one remembers…
I realized it was not to be, because I saw a certain curly-haired freak coming my way with a devious smile on her face. I closed my eyes in resignation. Oh, dear God, please just end me quickly and painlessly. I reconsidered that. Okay, you can make it extremely painful and send me to hell if you just get me out of here now.
I peeked out of one eye. There were no fiery flames enveloping my body, no naked red men with pitchforks dancing about me, and my aunt wasn't grinning maliciously down at me. I guessed my prayers were not going to be answered, then. I glared up at the ceiling. Jesus Christ, Lord. I'll just remember that. Next time you need someone to free the slaves, don't come looking my way. I grimaced. Okay, yeah, too harsh. Hmmm… well… you… umm… don't expect me to be giving money to the Church any time soon. I nodded. Yep, that's it. Not that I ever gave money to the Church in the first place…
I was interrupted from further delving into God's punishment by a certain someone clearing her throat next to me. I jumped nearly sky-high and quickly looked towards the sound.
"So, are you having a conversation with yourself in your head again?" Miss Perfectly-formed Corkscrews asked.
"Pfft." I waved a hand casually in the air. "Of course not. Why would I be talking to myself? What could I possibly say to myself?" I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "I suppose I could have been plotting a way to escape from the crazy lady who is currently talking to me, but, then, I've already put so much thought into it before, so I would have nothing new to add to it at the time in question." I innocently looked up at the woman.
Her face was blank for a moment, and then she broke out laughing. "Oh, Jesus, Epiphany, you always know how to crack me up." She glanced at the mess on my desk. "Were you drinking cocoa again?" She shook her head sadly before I could answer. "Seriously, don't you know cocoa's for kids? Why can't you drink coffee like a normal person?"
"'Cause I'm not a normal person," I muttered under my breath. I sent what I hoped to be a dazzling smile her way. "Oh, I just hate coffee. Don't you remember? It smells horrible and tastes disgusting. Plus, if I drink it, it'll make my spasms even worse."
She looked uncomfortable. Good. The she-devil deserves it. "Oh, yeah, forgot." She laughed nervously. After clearing her throat yet again, she said, "So, I bet you don't know what day today is!"
I groaned inwardly and pinched the bridge of my nose. You weren't supposed to know, either. How the hell did you even find out!? Whatever, not even going to ask. Not going to open another can of worms.
"Hmmm, would you believe it's Christmas?" I guessed sarcastically.
Her puzzled gaze almost made my face crack into a smirk. Almost, but not quite. I was the master of the poker face.
"Why would even consider it being Christmas? It's the middle of the summer!"
I allowed myself to smirk then. "It would mean that I wouldn't have to spend another minute in this hellhole today. Please, don't squelch a girl's hopes and dreams so quickly next time." I turned my back on her and began cleaning up the chocolate splatters, hoping she would take the hint and leave.
"Oh, okay." She stood there awkwardly for a minute before deciding that I needed to be reminded what day it was. "Epiphany, it's your birthday! Happy Birthday!" she squealed, drawing out 'birthday' much longer than I would have thought humanly possible.
I flinched and clapped my hands over my ears. When it appeared she wasn't going to shut up anytime soon, I jumped out of my chair and hugged her tightly. I wasn't overly affectionate or anything like that. The goal was to squeeze all of the air out of her lungs. She couldn't keep screeching if there was no air to back it up.
I stepped back while she caught her breath. I told her, in my girliest voice, "OMG, Lisa, like, thank you, like, so much, for, like, remembering my birthday!" I clapped my hands together and jumped up and down.
"I don't talk like that." She played with one of her blonde curls while she pouted at me.
I quit jumping. "Of course you don't, sweetheart." I patted her on the head.
"Why are you in such a grouchy mood, anyway?" she asked after a moment. "It's your birthday. We have to go out and celebrate!"
I shook my head. "No thanks, you can celebrate without me."
"Oh, come on. How am I supposed to celebrate without the Birthday Girl there?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. Go out and buy a mannequin or an inflatable doll. I'm sure you have one of those lying around so you might be able to save money. Write my name on it. Take it out to dinner at some bar. With enough shots, it might actually look like me. Who knows, maybe you'll even get lucky. Use your imagination." I winked at her and sat back down in my chair.
She frowned down at me. "Aw, don't be like that. An inflatable doll can't crack jokes on me like you can. It wouldn't be the same. We'll go out after work. And don't even think about sneaking away. I'll hunt you down." She wagged her finger at me threateningly before going back to her cubicle.
I leaned back in my chair, staring out into space. Wow, you sure took care of that, I thought to myself. Now, to figure out how to get out of it without making life at work, and possibly outside of work, a living hell…